• Any and all textual works can be decried as "lacking exigence", no matter their content.

• Make vague references to "the canon". Do not explain what canon you're talking about.

• Employ words like "ethic (singular)", "schema", "polity". It doesn't matter if you use them correctly, just use them.

• Pick a noun or an adjective to use as a verb. Just give it your own definition and let the audience figure it out.

• Use obtuse definitions of philosophical frameworks, like "it's about bodies moving through space". Do not elaborate or make it easier to tell what the fuck that's supposed to mean.

• If someone is making a good argument that you don't like, say it's "reinforcing teleological norms" and refuse to engage with it any more.

• And, of course, the classic: Anything you don't like is "deeply unserious".

~~thank u for coming to my ted talk~~