This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/convenientmother on 2023-10-05 13:52:19.
My brother “Enzo” passed away eight years ago. When he died, his widow, “Carla” fell into a deep depression and became an alcoholic. It took over her life, she lost her job, her house, and she wasn’t able to look after their son, “Charlie”, who was 2. Carla didn’t have any family around to help and was looking at a lot of financial problems as a result of her alcoholism. She reached out to my parents and asked if they could take Charlie because she couldn’t manage. My dad was suffering from a lot of health problems and my mother was caring for him so they suggested me, even though I was pregnant at the time. My husband and I said yes immediately.
After Charlie came to live with us, Carla made very little effort with him. I gave her a pass on being in contact because she was going through a lot, but even when we would fly her out to visit us she would be very uninterested in Charlie. She would spend little time with him, and had a very short fuse with him. Charlie was a shy kid, he wasn’t affectionate or comfortable with her and she hated that. She would start off wanting to bond with him but the minute he wouldn’t cuddle her or would cry when she picked him up and she would hand him back to me and ignore him for the rest of her trip and treat our home like a resort. After a visit where she yelled at him for not calling her “mum”, none of us brought up visits again. My husband I adopted Charlie when he was 5.
For 4 years after the adoption we heard almost nothing from Carla, except calls every few months and birthday cards for Charlie. Then, late last year we received papers from her saying she intended to Sue to overturn the adoption. She didn’t want any contact with us, only through lawyers, but it was a stressful time. It went on for a few months until eventually proceedings concluded before ever getting to court. Our lawyer said reading between the lines it seemed like Carla couldn’t afford to keep fighting it and she would never have won. Again, we didn’t hear anything from her.
About a week ago, Carla gets in contact directly. We get on a zoom call and I was shocked by the difference in her. She looks a lot healthier, she has a job, and a house (knew this from documents she submitted for the legal case), and a fiancé. She said she wants Charlie to come to the wedding. She wants visitation with him. I said not until Charlie is 12, at which point he will be welcome to establish a relationship with her on his terms if he so wishes, with our full support.
Obviously she thinks I’m the AH. She says 12 is an arbitrary age and it gives him another two years to think she doesn’t care about him. I think that in a couple of years he will more emotionally equipped to process his own feelings and understand the measures we will need to put in place given that Carla has proven to be litigious, if he wants to see her. People I’ve mentioned this to are split. AITA?