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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/Majestic_Teach_6677 on 2026-02-19 21:11:42+00:00.

“What’s in the box?” human crewman Jeff asked excitedly.

“I don’t know,” Cargo Master Min’chai answered honestly.

“But are we sure the contents are legal?” Jeff followed up quickly and overly hopefully.

“It passed all previous inspections, and still has the official seal,” Min’chai grumbled at the human.

“That doesn’t mean…” the human started to object, so Min’chai quickly cut him off.

“No," the now clearly irritated Cargo Master responded. "It means that as long as the seal is intact and not tampered with, we don’t have to inspect it, and we are not responsible if the contents don’t match the manifest. Also, don’t you humans have a saying, curiosity killed the cat?”

“Sure, but satisfaction brought ‘em back,” Jeff retorted quickly.

“I know you humans are new to the galaxy and want to see everything, but that doesn’t mean we have to open every single cargo crate so you can see what’s inside,” Min’chai stated flatly as he turned one of his three eyestalks to glare directly at Jeff.

“True, but that last crate had all those crazy blinking light thingies,” Jeff said with a bright look on his face. “Who knows what’s in this crate?”

“Those were Nal’thraxian sex toys, and what you called salad forks were the… umm… physical stimulators. They need visual stimulation as well as physical," Min’chai responded with a shake of his eyestalk. He hoped the movement would mimic the shaking head of a disappointed human parent. “I thought the fact that they were made of flexible synthetic rubber would have given you a clue they weren’t for food.”

“Yeah, that was strange,” Jeff said thoughtfully. “Definitely wouldn’t have worked well for spaghetti but you never know. Some sapients might have delicate teeth that would be harmed by metal utensils.”

Min’chai decided not to respond as the human was clearly not going to be reasonable today. He simply waved a tentacle to the loader to bring up the next crate. The manifest declared random foodstuffs from Albera Prime, and his eyestalks drooped. His new human crew would likely want to examine everything to see if it would make the list of “things to try”. With luck the seal would be intact and…

Damn.

The seals weren’t just broken; they were mangled and the sides of the crate damaged as if someone had scraped one side against a wall. Clearly the recipient of impact damage due to negligent handling, it would need to be unpacked and checked before loading into the cargo bay. Jeff would have an unexpected and necessary excuse to indulge his curiosity.

While curiosity made humans a bit frustrating, it was the concept of “we’ll try anything once” that made them truly infuriating at times. Tell a human something is food, and they will want to eat it - sometimes before anyone scans to check if it is compatible with human biology. At times, it made the officers wonder if they had adult crew members or if they had toddlers who wouldn’t stop putting random things into their mouths.

“Jeff, full unpacking of this crate and inspection,” Min’chai called out which resulted in far too much glee from the human. “And take extra precautions - this is marked as foodstuffs and may be delicate.”

“Yes, Cargo Master!” Jeff called out as he popped the top on the crate and looked inside. 

If they were lucky, the packages would be sealed in plain wrappers so the human’s imagination wouldn’t be spurred. Stars forgive them if something actually broke open because Jeff would likely ask to try to eat whatever it was, which would greatly complicate the cargo claim. Was it really broken and insurance should pay, or did the human “accidentally” damage the packaging to try the contents, thus insurance would deny the claim and dump the costs on the ship?

'Insurance trying to weasel out of a claim is a universal constant and keeps getting worse,' Min'chai thought to himself, frustrated that he would even need to consider how insurance might view things. He simply turned his attention back to his dataslate and was relieved to see they were nearing the end of the loading process. Only six more crates after this one.

“Min’chai,” Jeff called out in a small voice filled with wonder. “I need your help.”

‘Well, crap,’ the Cargo Master thought to himself as he looked up from his dataslate and turned all his eyestalks to stare at the ceiling for a moment. ‘Something interesting probably broke open, and now I’ll have to explain why you can’t try to eat it.'

“What’s this thing?” Jeff said with his eyes gleaming.

Min’chai slowly turned one eyestalk to the human who was holding something up. He then blinked with that eyestalk and whipped his other two around so all three eyestalks stared at the human in bewilderment. 

Jeff was holding up a lizard with six insect-like legs. The body of the lizard was about four inches wide and about a foot long before ending in a short stubby tail no more than three inches long. The head of the lizard was slightly triangular with one large eye in the forehead and two small eyes located on the sides, the center being the creature's primary visual receptor and the smaller eyes simply used to detect motion and assist with depth perception. 

“What are you doing?” Min’chai yelled out with concern. “Those things can be dangerous! They’re stupid and will try to eat anything. Put it down!”

“Okay,” Jeff said slowly while lowering the lizard a little bit. “But what is it?”

“It’s a Chanka lizard, a delicacy food animal of the Yavarins. Quite rare and obscenely expensive in this part of the galaxy,” the Cargo Master answered quickly before the credit coin dropped in his brain. “Wait... that thing is alive? We aren’t allowed to transport live cargo. We’ll have to seize it.”

“Does that mean we can keep it?” Jeff asked with a shockingly bright expression on his face.

“That isn’t what seize means. We can’t transport it and…” Min’chai looked down at the manifest for the extended info on this particular shipment. “Oh, by the stars. We’re the third ship to handle this cargo, so it’s already beyond the point of origin. And Chanka lizards aren't from Albera Prime which means the paperwork is false, and the previous ship has already left the system so we can't return it to them. I’ll inform the station dockmaster, but I can almost guarantee they’ll just ask us to dispose of the thing.”

Jeff looked even more excited. “So, we can keep it!”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying!” Min’chai responded gruffly. “We need to get rid of it. Perhaps if we’re lucky, there’s a Yavarin on the station who will be happy to get a free expensive meal from home. If not, we’ll have to euthanize and dispose of it.”

“But it’s a living being!” Jeff objected.

‘Let’s not get into a debate over what species eat meat and go straight for logic to dissuade this line of thought,’ Min’chai thought to himself. He pondered the various options and went for the most obvious. They weren’t equipped to care for such a thing.

“Do you know how to care for it?” he asked the human.

“Well, the crate it was packed in has some food and water,” Jeff said as he gently put the lizard back into the crate. “That’s a start!”

‘So much for logic,’ Min’chai thought to himself.

—-----

Two Terran weeks later…

—-----

“Jeff’s going to be late for work again,” Supervisor Guak informed Min’chai.

“Oh? Why?” Min’chai asked with clear irritation.

“He bumped his head when waking up and stopped off in medbay for pain meds,” Guak explained. "That's the third time in the past ten days."

“I still can’t believe he gave up half his bunk space to create an enclosure for that damn Chanka lizard,” Min’chai grumbled. “Barely enough space to slide into the bunk with that stupid lizard living above the bed.”

“At least the lizard didn’t bite him again,” Guak responded with a wave of his tentacle that indicated their agreement with Min’chai at being annoyed with the human. “You’d think he’d learn not to try to hand feed an animal with poor depth perception and the need to rent a brain cell to do anything more than bask on a rock.”

“He claims that hand feeding the creature will encourage… bonding,” Min’chai explained with skepticism. “He’s also ordered a custom leash to try…”

“Walkies? Yeah, I heard that one. The only bonding he’ll get from that thing is if it decides his arm is something it can mate with,” Guak said with a snort. “I’ve been told that in the wild they try to mate with warm rocks or sticks.”

“I’ve heard that as well,” Min’chai said with a sigh. “When I tried to explain to Jeff that Chanka lizards are like overgrown Terran cockroaches with less intelligence, do you know what he said?”

“I have a feeling the answer is going to make me crave an intoxicant,” Guak said with a groan.

“He said that many humans keep colonies of cockroaches as pets,” Min’chai barked out with clear exasperation. “And that they make good pets!”

“Explain to me again why we hired him?” Guak asked.

“He wants to see the galaxy, so he works for less than half of standard rates,” Min’chai answered. “That was the initial selling point, and it turns out that humans are 30% more efficient than standard crewmembers when they aren’t distracted. My contact at Intergalactic Hauling says much the same. Humans will still be a bargain to hire once they stop being excited to see the greater galaxy and insist on standard rates.”

“Well, the cost picture with our humans might change if Vlad gets his way,” Guak grumbled.

“Oh?” Min’chai inquired with concern.

“Since you let Jeff have a pet, Vlad w...

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