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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-11-02 04:04:43+00:00.
I must say trying to raid a castle, while half conscious, to rescue your ‘wife’ will definitely be something I’ll mention at dinner parties. Though I would like to warn you now, this story is being written just a few hours (I think it's only been a hours) after the events that took place.
I'm so tired I am writing this with my eyes mostly closed. However, I know that when I do fall asleep I will remember absolutely nothing. So here is a story essentially told through a man’s drunken stupor. There will be far more spelling and grammatical mistakes, I’m sorry but unfortunately not in the right mind to fix them.
“Wake up, Theseus!” My friend yelled directly into my ear, I was so tired it only barely woke me up, it was mostly the spit. I think some hit my brain.
“What happened? Who died?” I asked and barely opened my eyes. I tried to flail around but couldn’t move my arms, or anything else. I saw the glimpse of my band of a dozen scoundrels, hoodlums, ex special forces, martial artists, all my closest friends, and the type of people that caused children to scream when they walked by.
“Nobody, dear God man. That tranquilizer dart you got shot with really messed you up.” She said.
“Oh, yeah, forgot about that.” I giggled softly and started to go back to sleep.
“Get up! C’mon you’re the brains, how do we rescue Scout?” She shook me.
“Oh Jesus Hillbilly Christ, things must be going bad if I’m the brains.” I opened one eye at her. She did not have the patience to come up with a reply that wasn’t an insult. “Okay what are we dealing with?” I yawned. She grabbed the back of my neck and we both peeked over a wall. A few dozen people with guns stood guard in front of a giant castle gate.
“We could just leave Scout.” I said.
“Hell no, she’s just started wrestling and she’s not terrible, so she has to live. Also, I got a hundred Coin saying that you two will eventually really get married one day, and I’m not letting either of you die until I get paid. So what is the plan?” She shook me.
“First of all, you’re gonna lose that bet. Second, we are going to have to light the big guy on fire.” I pointed to our resident big guy, who was a nine and a half foot (2.89 meter) tall Grunta. Big, green, and built even more like an orc than they normally are. Like a grizzly bear ate the world's third strongest man.
“What?” He asked.
After a bit of planning, a big cloak, a stolen wheelbarrow, burny liquid stuff, and the promise of lots of free drinks in return we were soon wheeling up to the front of the castle gate. “I am death, chaos in flesh, a mere servant of my Human master. We leave no survivors.” My tall orc friend bellowed. As the rest of my crew of miscreants surrounded him and walked menacingly to the shaking guards. I hoped they would have snapped their fingers like villains in a musical, but they didn’t.
“Now?” My other friend asked.
“Not yet.” I said on their back and wiggled a single finger, behind the wheelbarrow.
“Run before us! You shall all burn in all the Hells” My friendly Orc friend's deep voice carried through the air like thunder that was just a bit too close to your house.
“Now.” I said, the sound of a lighter clicked, the big green guy was now: the big green guy on fire. Radical. I heard gasps and screams but more importantly no gunshots as the guards bravely ran away. I felt the pleasant toasty heat of the fire and wanted marshmallows. Soon there was only one guard left.
I looked up at my six foot tall Caelum friend, the lady who was yelling at me in the beginning, and noticed how easily she was dragging me along with one hand. “You know, I’ve always appreciated muscular women.” I said to her. She sighed, then laughed.
“Boy, those must be really strong tranquilizer darts.” She patted my head, my friends and I stood in front of the lone guard. He threw the gate key before I could even tell the big guy to tear his arms off. Smart fella. I heard the sounds of keys jingling as I rested my head on my friend's buff shoulder and threw my arm around her waist. Soon the gate unlocked.
“Now what?” She asked.
“Oh, five more minutes.” I snuggled into her arms more.
“No. We’re rescuing Scout, our friend. We all even went to your fake wedding.” My tired friend finally lost her patience and any attempt to make me look composed or competent. She picked me up like a sack of potatoes and got me into a bridal carry.
“Thank you.” I said and pulled out my peacemaker.
She looked at my gun in horror, instead of the usual amusement. “Woah, do you really think it’s safe to shoot your gun? I know they’re just stun rounds but you just woke-”
Before she could finish a guard came rushing into the hallway, I fanned the hammer and shot him without needing to aim. He got hit by the taser round and started to forcefully break dance on the ground while he swore in pain.
“Less talking my mighty steed, we must find my stupid wife. Everyone split up, don’t get shot.” I pointed with my gun like it was a sword and I was a knight in rusty armor.
“Isn’t that what Human’s call horses?” She asked me, as she ran like a horse.
“No.” I replied and snuggled up to her. She ran around the maze that was the poor excuse for a castle. Not enough guys with swords, just four and a half more swords and it would have been good. She ran, guards turned blind corners, they were met with my taser rounds, I drooled on her shoulders a few times, reloaded my gun much more, and we finally reached a dead end.
More guards started to file into the hallway. I fired into the crowd as she dove for cover behind an old suit of armor. Thankfully, it wasn’t that old. Rounds ricocheted off the armor and walls. In between the bursts of gunfire I heard the guards slowly close in on us.
“What do we do? We’re pinned down!” She yelled over the shots.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Oh, hey, would you look at that? I got this.” I could finally feel my legs. I grabbed a sword off the knight to use as a cane. A revolver in one hand and a sword in the other, talk about a good day.
“Parlay!” I yelled behind cover. The shooting stopped for some reason. I walked out of my cover, with a look of unfounded confidence so strong everyone mistook it for competence. “All six of you, do you really think you’d be able to beat me?”
They looked at each other in confusion and nodded. I shot all six of them when they were distracted. “Well, for future reference don’t let me talk- woah~” I stumbled and was caught by my friend. “So much for being able to feel my legs.” I hung onto her again. We looked back at the dead end. She picked me up in the bridal carry again.
Where a giant door stood, and if it had eyes I’m sure it would have stared at us in the disappointed way a Mother does after you’ve lost a fight. “Alright, I’m sure you can pick that lock.” My friend said.
“Yeah, but I can’t feel my fingers too, so…” I trailed off and almost went back to dreamland.
“Hey!” She yelled into my ear again. We both heard giant footsteps behind us, she whipped us around, my gun pointed at whoever it was. It was our friend that we just set on fire.
“Hey bro.” I lowered my gun.
“Door?” He pointed. We both nodded, he walked over, smacked it, the door made a horrible grunt, the hinges flew off, and it fell to the ground like a log in the woods.
“Took you long enough.” Scout said and jingled her handcuffs. Scout stopped for a second and laughed at me being carried.
“Hello my soon to be ex-wife.” I replied.
I don’t remember much after that, just glimpses, mostly lots of running, a food cart, possibly another sword fight, at least two felonies, a famous painting, and definitely not in that order. I’m gonna go to sleep now, and I’m probably going to be arrested in the morning.
Author’s Note: I’m almost as sleepy as Theseus. Goodnight.
Vaguely important second note: This isn’t a series, though it could be debated. It’s an idiotic writing challenge I made up one night and keep almost failing. Writing a one shot everyday for thirty days. I write these like an episodic T.V. show, the two main characters are the same, sometimes there are two part episodes but it’s meant to be enjoyed on its own. The fact it can be read in order is a bonus afterthought. Context is overrated anyways.
Thanks for reading. :}
27/30 Days