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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-11-04 04:45:13+00:00.

Theseus has the infuriating and supernatural ability to justify anything he wants to, given two uninterrupted minutes and several jokes. Including convincing me not to shoot him. 

“Thirty days.” he told me as I pressed that gun to his stupid hat wearing head. “Give me thirty days, and give me thirty near impossible tasks. As long as it isn’t a crime, though even if it was, I’m sure I could outsmart you and find a loophole. I’ll do it, whatever you need, I’ll find a way to do it. If I do, you all leave me the Hell alone. If not, if I fail at any step, perhaps I really will have terrible last words.”

I still remember exactly what he said. But I still don’t know when in these twenty-nine days did I stop wanting to shoot him, when he started to become likable, when I started giving him more and more possible tasks, and above all else I don’t remember when we became friends. Theseus sometimes lets me write my side of the story when he gets tired. I think it’s fitting, the second last story will be mine, and he’ll have the last story, and probably the last laugh. 

So, I’m gonna do something Theseus almost never does, I’m going to start from the beginning for once. First of all, I don’t think the man actually sleeps. I’ve never woken up before him and even when I tried to annoy him and show up at his house so early it was practically in the middle of the night, he was up, usually asking what took so long. 

He always cooks us breakfast though, love a good Human breakfast now. What he almost never tells you is how one of my thirty impossible tasks starts, he just skips to the part where everything goes wrong. I come to his house, eat his food and tell him my ridiculous plan. He insults me, I insult him better and we start. 

My cousin Elizabeth got herself kidnapped again. It happens to the best of us. The kidnappers wanted ransom, my family was not in the mood, and I had a Human friend who enjoys trouble and is good with a gun. Though Theseus of course had trepidations because he’s annoying. 

“Wait, as in your really hot cousin Elizabeth?” He asked dumbly. 

“No, her twin that looks like you.” I rolled my eyes.

“Talk about sexy.” Theseus raised his eyebrows disgustingly. 

“You’re insufferable, are you ready?” I loaded my gun.

“No, where's the fun in that? Let's go.” Theseus ran out of the house. 

We made our way to some mansion downtown. Along with someone following us we both chose to ignore. Some criminals probably backed by some idiot we're holding her there, for quite frankly too many zeros. If you are reading this, I love you Elizabeth, but let’s be honest, nobody is worth that much. 

We both hid behind a building and watched the guards patrol around. It was at this point our stalker finally made herself known. “Stop right there!” She appeared from a bush and tripped over a rock. Theseus caught her before she met the ground. 

“I’ve been following you too! What do you intend on doing with my Elizabeth?” She pointed and pushed herself off him. 

“Scout, who is this random sassy woman?” Theseus asked. 

“I really don’t know.” I replied and tried to see if I recognized her. 

“I’m Astrid! Elizabeth’s childhood friend, long lost love.” Astrid said, her courage deflated after each word. There was a long silence. She stood in front of us and twiddled her thumbs. The long silence continued. 

“I like her.” Theseus smiled at me.

“You like everyone that isn’t trying to kill you.” I shook my head. “What do we do with her?” 

“Well first and foremost, does Elizabeth also know you’re her long lost love?” Theseus asked slowly like a concerned father. 

“Yes!” Astrid pulled out a necklace from her shirt. It was a bronze locket with a picture of the two of them together, still teenagers, the two looked at each other smitten enough it would last till they were both gray. 

“Alright, let’s go save the princess.” Theseus unholstered his gun. 

“Elizabeth isn’t a princess.” Astrid explained. 

“Don’t question him, it’s just from a stupid movie. Let him do all the fighting and work, we'll stick behind him.” I pulled out my gun. Astrid took a step back from us.

“Don’t worry, they only shoot taser rounds. The worst thing that will happen to the guards is the embarrassment and soreness the next day. Can’t tell you which is worse though.” Theseus explained like a proud five year old’s drawing of the family pet, with a complete lack of irony or sarcasm that you couldn’t help but believe him.

We stormed the mansion. I’ve learnt that once it starts off easy: the guards were completely unprepared and spent most of their shift running and screaming, opposed to shooting and fighting. The moment you realize what you thought was normally life threatening was actually easy, it becomes life threatening. That’s how the universe operates for some reason. 

We made it to the interior of the mansion that reminded me of my creepy but loveable grandmother’s home. It was at this point the guards went from comedy characters to horror villains. In a sudden wave of competence, we were now running room to room, ducking gunfire and in mortal peril I was getting far too use to. It was at this point I’m sure Theseus would actually start his telling of this adventure. 

“This is all your fault!” He screamed at me over the gunfire. We ran through another opulent hallway. 

“How! It’s your fault for letting Astrid tag along, if we left her outside we would be doing so much better!” I pointed at her and reloaded my gun. 

“Your family could have paid the ransom in the first place, and we wouldn’t have to rescue your hot cousin!” He said as the guard burst out of a room, he shot the guard, barely needed to look, the guard swore, and flopped on the ground.

“Don’t call my true love ‘hot’! Also, why are you even mentioning Elizabeth’s beauty to your wife?! You cheating scoundrel!” Astrid yelled behind us, completely out of breath and dragging her tail on the ground slightly. 

“Soon to be ex-wife. It was supposed to be a fake wedding in the first place. Long story, I’ll tell you at dinner.” Theseus said kindly and picked up Astrid in a bridal carry. Astrid yelped but still hung onto him. “Sorry about this, but you really are quite a slow runner. If it makes you feel any better, a few days ago one of my friends had to carry me in one of these too. I was quite sleepy at the time.” Theseus was able to easily talk and run with her in his arms. 

“Boy or girl?” Astrid asked, already swept up in his stupidity. 

“Girl, a six foot tall Caelum, carried me like I was her five foot tall Human son.” Theseus laughed. 

“Yeah, Caelums are hot, love muscular women.” Astrid said with more academic appreciation than lust.  

“Yeah, me too, not weak girls like Scout.” Theseus laughed and pointed at me. 

“Shut up himbo.” I said as I shot another couple guards with a taser round, I noticed the two were stationed in front of a door. “Oh, I think she’s in here!” I ran over to the door. Thankfully, Theseus taught me the proper technique to kick down a door, I did it perfectly, and it still hurt my knee. 

I burst in and saw Elizabeth handcuffed to a chair. Theseus with Astrid in tow stumbled into the room. Astrid slammed the door shut still in his arms. She jumped off of him the moment she locked eyes with Elizabeth who I was in the process of picking her handcuffs. 

“Elizabeth!” Astrid cried out and rushed to her side.

“Astrid!” Elizabeth tried to jump from the chair but was met by a sudden stop. She looked down at me picking her handcuffs. The two were about to share a long overdue kiss.

“Hey Astrid, do me a favor and kiss her later I need help boarding up this room!” Theseus scrambled to add more furniture to an overgrowing pile in front of the door. Astrid looked conflicted for a moment but was reassured by a small nod and smile from Elizabeth. She ran over to the door and started helping Theseus.

“How long will it take you to get me out of this cuffs-” Elizabeth was about to finish her sentence before a distinctive click interrupted her. I pulled them off her. 

“I have a pretty good teacher.” I looked over at Theseus at the perfect moment. Just as the doors burst open as dozens of guards with guns came storming in, I dropped my gun and raised my hands unenthusiastically. Astrid and Elizabeth looked at me with total defeat in their eyes. 

“Hold on! I just have a quick question.” Theseus said with his arms straight up. The guards all turned and pointed their guns at his face. “Well first things first, who's in charge?” He looked at each one of the guards, again asking them genuinely. 

“I am.” Several people said simultaneously. 

“Oh, well, among the people here who are in charge, who is least in charge?” Theseus looked around confused. 

“I am.” One man said slightly depressed. 

“Well good sir, you do realize what it means if just the three of us hooligans came to rescue Elizabeth.” Theseus said.

“You’re all idiots?” He asked.

“Yes, but other than that. Elizabeth’s family didn't even pay to have a special forces squad come to rescue her. Just three idiots.” Theseus gestured to all of us. There was a long pause of mutual confusion. “You aren’t getting the money, and quite frankly wouldn’t killing us be a lot of work? Hiding the bodies, avoiding the cops, swearing all of you to secrecy, I mean at least one of you would statistically tell the cops something.” 

“Huh.” The ‘leader’ scratched his head, the other guards looked around. 

“I mean, we all shot at ea...

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