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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Radiant_Season_100 on 2023-09-19 15:49:07.

I (39f) have been married to Adam (43m) for 5 years now. Adam has two living children with his late wife Bex. Thea (15) and Jace (13). When Adam and I first met Bex had passed away 11 months before. We met through friends and did not date for several months. I met the kids as a friend during that time and when our relationship turned romantic they were told by Adam and we involved them in how we progressed.

Adam and I spoke about my role prior to going too far. He said the kids were worried I would try to be their mom or that I would be more involved than him, because their friends said stepmoms take over. We reassured them that would not happen and I take the role of backup but not primary parent. My husband takes the role of bad guy. I can be good guy. But we keep communication open.

The kids asked if they could say I was their dad's girlfriend/wife instead of stepmom and I was perfectly fine with that. I told them they could call me anything they wanted as long as it wasn't Miss Jones or ma'am lol. I'm fully comfortable being dad's wife because I get to have a good relationship with the kids that is genuine and they know I love them and I know they love me, even without the more parental titles.

Ever since I gave birth to my two boys 3 years and 18 months ago, my ILs have been bothered by the dad's wife title and have raised concerns. Adam spoke to them and told them we were all good with it. But they didn't listen and recently said to Thea and Jace that I am their mom or if they must, their stepmom. But I am the mom they have now. Since they did not listen to Adam I decided to correct them and I said actually, I'm their dad's wife and it doesn't offend or hurt my feelings in any way and I told them they have two awesome grandkids and should consider respecting them more and hearing them out.

My ILs were not impressed with me lol. AITA?