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Cooking Up Contingency Plans
(i.imgur.com)
Since my polymorph meme has only garnered three downvotes so far I thought I'd offer a bit more controversial take, and see if I can manage to stir the pot a bit with this one.
Having DMed too much. Nope.
This is easily a rule as intended type of thing. If you hit someone else. Sure fine, this is actually awesome and very creative and totally in the spirit of the game.
If you're just trying to break the game. Nope. RPGs aren't about trying to pull apart the systems in place for a group of friends to have fun. Not at our table anyway.
Even the damage dealt thing is silly. Is argue you cant deal damage to something that is fully damaged.
You can't "hit someone else"* because of the stipulations in contingency. RAI I'm sure they don't want you sucking the life from your left buttcheek to close up the mortal wound in your gut, but based on what they wrote, I haven't found a solid contradiction to this plan in the rules-as-written.
Also you can deal damage to something that is fully damaged. There's even a specific rule for "Damage at 0 Hit Points." under the Death Saving Throws section.
That still doesn't address vampiric touches life restoration RAI. Heck even RAW the spell says damage to others.
This is still a no go lol.