If you've read this, and you're upset, it's on you. Go outside and fucking try.

ive been at this stage for a decade, im in my 30s. Pretty sure im going to die by suicide before i'm 36. Well see. Dont really want to try dating anymore, the juice doesn't seem worth the squeeze, and i'm quickly finding out there isn't anything else on this planet worth living for except not destroying my moms heart. When she goes I have no clue what happens to me, everything keeping me alive right now is hopping she doesn't live a life of seeing my lifeless corpse with a bullet through my head, and some weird innate survival mode that keeps me sobbing at night wondering whatever happened to me, I used to think i was living a normal life at one point, but then unemployment happened and here I am, wondering what is the point of my life and I'm literally failing to justify my existence and dreaming of how i can kill myself without anyone finding out. i literally forced myself to be 300+ lbs to be as ugly as i thought i was, but over the past year i thought if i just lose the weight ill find the hope. im 160 now, but i still daydream of how i will kill myself. Its too hard, and maybe im just a cry baby bitch, but there's a lot in my life that makes me want to give up trying.

yeah dude some of us are already in our way out, you hit the nail on the head. I wish everything you said was something i had the skills to handle, but i'm really worried my late self diagnosed autism and adhd are crippling me more than i thought it was. For years my life hasn't gotten easier, just harder and more difficult each day to think i'll survive long enough for a full life.

i am very aware every problem in my life is my own fault. i don't want to fix any of them anymore, i just want something to kill me. therapy isn't an option for me, i have treated therapists like shit every time i go and do everything i can to make them reject me as a patient. I self sabotage like no one else. I hate me and my life and try to force myself into a state where suicide is my only option, and i am not fighting it.

there is nothing in life guarunteeing another human wants me. i am making sure of that, and there's nothing stopping me.