For normal transactions, it’s too slow and expensive, but for crime, that’s not a problem.

I'm no lover of Bitcoin, but this is just false. Using the Lightning Network (basically a Layer 2 application on top), transactions are near instant and cost only pennies.

Using the Ethereum network and L2s, which has an energy expenditure less than that of your dishwasher, you can move money instantly and for basically fee. There's a reason big corporations like Visa and countless others are heavily investing in and building on Ethereum: it's faster and cheaper than legacy tradfi rails. Also, it's a pretty good way to get aid to Gaza and other war-ravaged countries, pay for privacy-respecting email and VPNs, etc.

primary use case is crime, money laundering, drugs, assassination, ransomware

In fact, crypto has moved on from 2009-era use cases: https://ethereumadoption.com/usecases/