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What Does It Mean to Be Demiromantic?
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this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2023
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As someone who's aro, one is too many.
In all seriousness, I agree with you. Seems mostly vague and a lot is pretty common for "alloromantic" people (is that the right term? I haven't paid much attention to any of that lately, so I'm probably out of the loop). But I could be missing it because I don't relate much and now probably sound like one of those people who says "demisexual is how most people are" and most who fit into that category can pretty much immediately say, "no, not really".
I think the biggest example in there that seems to be more "concrete" than the others is the bit about only ever having romantic feelings for friends or people you're otherwise close with.
That one makes sense to me as a "predictor" of what might be "demiromantic". Not drawn to people for any reason other than friendship, and then feeling like something more, whereas other people might be drawn to someone else purely for romantic reasons.
I've actually sometimes wondered about this label before but never really found a way to define or apply it in the simple way that I can with demisexuality.
Romance seems a bit more nebulous than sexuality. Like, physiologically speaking. Certain things happen with sexual attraction. I guess when it comes to brain chemicals, things happen with romantic attraction as well, but I'm not certain they're as easy to identify as boing and sploosh.
Reading these kinds of descriptions always make me wonder if non-demi-romantic people exist outside of fairy tales. With demisexuality, I can totally imagine someone being sexually attracted to someone else without caring romantically or otherwise about them (as such people visibly exist), but I can't imagine anyone being romantically attracted to someone who they don't know. Unlike with other lgbtq labels where I can look around and see that lots of people are actually the way I can't imagine being, there isn't an 'other' I can contrast with in the case of demiromanticity. I don't even know what you call people who aren't demiromantic?
Kinda inclined to agree with the other guy that said
. The only non-demiromantic person I can think of is Johnny Bravo and he's not a real person. (afaik?)
It definitely seems to be a category that isn't something that's actively measured for typically. Like, people can identify having no interest in sex pretty easily because it's a notable divergence from typical behavior, but romance is hard to see anyway, and an aromantic or demi-romsntic relationship still probably looks pretty similar to a lot of other relationships from the outside. Especially in the case if marriages that aren't entered into due to love, but due to things like shared parenthood, financial security, or just habit.
Because it's not immediately obvious whether or not this term would apply to what most would consider 'typical' relationships, it's a little harder to pin down what proportion of the population qualifies. It may be much closer to the norm than we'd assume, especially considering it seems to have been identified from a space that's examining the possibilities of human variety in relationships rather than attention being brought to it because of its accompanying struggle against some taboo or assumption.
Other people noticed that I was queer looong before I really had the words to make sense of any of that. To me I was just me, but to them I was this weird little aberration, and they were sure to let me know. Part of the identity and understanding that developed around those attributes were in opposition to this oppressive social force that insisted on a specific standard that I would never meet.
I honestly largely identify with a sort of demi-romantic perspective, and certainly with a demi-sexual one. Falling for people I already feel an emotional connection with it's certainly familiar. I feel the social pressure or expectation to prioritize sex and relationships from time to time, but I don't really feel the pressure of an impetus for romance in the same way.
Not to say that that invalidates it at all, but it does make me wonder if it's maybe a little closer to the baseline than some of those other factors we might explore.