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Grandma's marriage advice
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this post was submitted on 19 Oct 2023
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The secret account is not for hiding money during a divorce. It is for fleeing or paying for expenses while going through the divorce.
It is common for one spouse, or the other, to empty all accounts in the lead up to the divorce. It does not matter how right you are when you cannot buy your kids food.
This is advice from an 85 year old. She has seen soon shit.
A couple thousand in an "oh shit" account is rational.
This is not appreciated though if money is tight.
A neat detail here is that there's no rule here that the account needs to be literally secret. You can tell your spouse you have a private account and you'll put a couple hundred in out of your paycheck. A spouse in a healthy relationship should reply "sure, I'll do the same." It's nice to have for holidays and secret presents too.
Oddly/interestingly, the concept of a dowry in Islam is to ensure the wife has access to some sort of funding in case the marriage ends
It doesn't even need to be a secret account, def see it being a hella good litmus test, too; check whether someone's "I love you" means "no matter what, right now I want the best for you" or "I want to own you"
guys like that are... just no
So, I grew up in an abusive home and sometimes advise people trying to get out of bad situations.
The "secret" part actually isn't because someone's just naturally up to no good. There's actually a pragmatic, "we're in a survival situation now and this is how you survive" reason.
Keeping the bug-out account secret is because when shit gets bad, like, bad enough to need to get out ASAP with the shirt on your back, other people even knowing you have the escape money can cause them to weaponize that knowledge on you to manipulate you. Like, "You give me that $500 you have, or I'll kill your cat."
Or they can try to log into your account to see stuff. Like, if you did successfully move out, they can try to log in and see if your address changed, and what it was changed to, so they can stalk you.
Family members know things like past addresses, social security numbers, mother's maiden name, so if you don't fudge those questions and such and they're aware you have a bank account at so-and-so bank, they can sometimes get past security measures by pretending to be you since they know your intimate information already.
Keeping the entire bank account secret is one more layer of defense so they don't know to start trying to get into it, and don't know to weaponize their knowledge of it on you.
lemmy users are a sausagefest and completely full of shit. THIS IS REASONABLE ADVICE FOR PEOPLE WHO GET INTO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS; I was talking about ppl who know the signs of abusers. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS, YOU DUMBFUCKS.