Dear Investors to Reddit's upcoming IPO

We have been making some exciting changes to ready the company for our public offering. Please read on for the exciting details.

First, we want to reassure investors that we've worked hard since June, 2023 to alienate our most active users, who have been cluttering Reddit with non-profitable, straightforward discussion and help for years, and ensure that users cannot access our platform with reliable, convenient smartphone apps.

And we know it's not enough to merely insult the people who have donated substantial parts of their lives to make our platform valuable; we're also planning for the future. As you may have recently heard, we're introducing a system to directly pay users who reliably produce the most attention-grabbing clickbait content. We are confident this will ensure that if those long-time users ever feel like returning, they will only find a hellscape of low-effort, reheated viral content and memes, accompanied by consistent, reliable comment sections of karma-farming bots and users.

But there's more! We today announce that search engine users eventually will not be able to locate anything on the site, consistent with the existing experience for current on-site Reddit users. We know that a curated, managed experience is what most reliably leads to happy investors, so rest assured, we will be slowly cutting off all avenues for users to direct their own experience on Reddit. Yay!

As the IPO day nears, remember: when we are finished only the worst content will be available by an audience who can't find us. Our core audience will be the users who remain trapped, Clockwork Orange-style, in an endless cycle of stimulation triggers structured to maximize ad viewing, in order to ensure our investors capture the maximum proportion of the site's rapidly diminishing value. In other words, get ready to maximize ARPU, investors!

With these changes, invest with confidence. With geniuses like us at the helm, you can be sure line goes up.