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Missing out on something
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this post was submitted on 20 Nov 2023
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Surprisingly, I've found the most fulfillment from raising and caring for my three-year-old daughter. I always feel immense pride when I'm tidying up the house and come abroad a pile of drawings or an arrangement not only of her toys, but whatever things she's found of mine (ie; the Peewee Herman action figure I keep beside my PC). But as fulfilling as it is, children are also inadvertently vampires and drain you of nearly everything you have. So I have to take pleasure in other things as well, like reading fiction, playing games with my wife, and spending time in nature. What I really need is a good mushroom trip through the forest, but it's been several years since I've been comfortable enough to step away from responsibility and parenthood to do something like that, even though it's a wonderful tool to bring one's self back to earth and get your brain firing again.
Highly recommend trying that if you're in the same mental cycle as OP. Definitely don't opt for children if your goal is fulfillment, though. You may gain something huge, but you're also signing off on the other side of your life. It's certainly not a good fit for everyone. You'd think this obvious advice, but a lot of people do just that and wind up miserable and resentful, and their kids in turn grow up with less love and respect than they could otherwise have.
My brother told me to have kids. He said raising his daughter was the best thing he's ever done. I don't disagree, she's awesome.
I don't find it surprising that being a parent is super rewarding if you do it well. I can't imagine being a parent who raises a shitstain who does something terrible and having to live with that.
I'm coming up on 40 years old and 14 years with my wife. We're pretty honest and open with people when they ask why we don't have and don't want kids. We have a nice house, good careers, and could easily afford it, but we just chose not to. The really scary thing is that I've had several friends candidly tell me they wish they never had kids. They love their kids more than anything, but they regret having them. I think our position makes it easier for people to confide in us and share those feelings, but I find that situation dreadful. Also, I realize that feelings change over time so they may feel differently now or in the future.
I have two daughters 7yrs and 7mths. No one should ever feel bad for not having kids. Especially if they don't want them.
Your friends are probably just venting (hopefully), so you are hearing the worst of it. Personally, I could never imagine my life without my kids and even though that 7mth old was screaming for a few hours today I wouldn't swap this life for a child free one. It's just different paths and you questioning it probably means you are a good person. Introspection is hard.
My brains a bit fried from the screaming so hopefully this makes sense.
As someone who's currently struggling with this decision, it's good to hear that you made a choice not to have kids, and don't regret it 14 years on.
I probably have the means to raise a child, but I'm not sure if I want to sacrifice the things I see my friends sacrificing to raise a child well (not to mention the world sucks and all that).
The thing I'm most worried about is regretting my choice either way when I get older (ie having a child and regretting it, or not having a child and regretting that).
Our oldest (7) entered public school last year and my expectations for other parents lowered to a point that I never thought possible. I was worried she wouldn't adjust well or would shut down, but nope the teachers gush to us about her constantly. I'm not patting myself on the back at all because it's 90% my daughter being awesome and somehow having high emotional intelligence at her age. How proud I am is leaking out.
Shit parents do create shit kids though. The saying is good parents often create good kids but bad parents almost always make bad kids. For example the douche parents at my kid's school created the kid that steals from the teacher constantly and is in the "trouble room" every day.
Sometimes good parents have terrible kids, too. Sociopaths are just born sometimes and not made.
The way we describe having a kid is that it's the best/worst thing you'll ever do.
I mean there is a chance you can do everything well and still end up with a shitstain of a human when having kids. Sociopaths and Narcissists sometimes just happen.