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Offering solutions is annoying
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 28 Nov 2023
953 points (94.9% liked)
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Concurrently, constantly telling a rational problem solver problems and not letting them offer solutions ALSO takes a mental toll on the listener.
It's bidirectional. It probably will result in compassion fatigue.
The problem is 9 times out of 10, your problem solving won't help because they've already thought of the fix or you don't have enough of the nuance involved to offer a viable solution. So to insist on offering, means that your partner now has to balance your ego and how to tell you "yeah I know" or why your idea won't work.
Top the rational thinker, the problem is "I need to vent my emotions in a healthy manner" and the rational solution is "listen" and if the problem transitions from "I need to vent" to "I need help" then you can work on a solution together.
The core problem, as always, is communication.
If you want to vent, or gain some compassion and care, and you're talking about your problems to a problem solver - say it.
Don't say "I have problem A and I don't need solutions". Say "I know what to do with this, but it's very frustrating and I need your support". Yes, just like that. Admit, with words, that you want them to care for you. That's it.
If you're a problem solver, and you know the other person is often willing to just vent, or if you're not completely sure your advice is wanted, ask it.
Don't say "Just do B, problem solved". Say "I might have some ideas on how to help you. Do you want my advice or should I just be there for you?". And then if they want it - go for it! Don't expect them to be ignorant of simple solutions; most likely they already thought them over, and either dismissed them for reasons not obvious to you from the first glance, or they already made it part of their plan.
Talk such things through, it will do wonders. For both of you.
I completely agree that you need to communicate. But that is outside the issue posed by the previous poster who said that it's too emotionally taxing to just listen when you want to problem solve. Their comment implies that the conversation has been had, they know their partner just needs to vent, but being the listener their partner needs will cause "compassion fatigue"
So I attempted to rephrase it so that the "rational problem solver" could satisfy their "need to problem solve in contradiction to what their partner needs" by presenting it in a way that listening, is in fact the solution, to the problem at hand.
Fair, but let's be honest, most of the time a partner may not want to hear about a solution because they first want compassion and understanding. Be willing to listen, and your partner will talk about a solution when they are ready.
I can't speak to "most of the time" as I only have experience with my relationships. In my current one, problem solving and empathy both are used to great results.
ya, I think the person b4 you is jumping to conclusions a bit. What matters is what works for the couple, not some generalized assumption about their dynamic. The meme could have been in jest and if we want to give OP the benefit of the doubt here then it probably is