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this post was submitted on 22 Feb 2024
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Back when the Internet was still just a tiny little baby I met a girl online that was extremely cool and legit attractive (no catfish I swear). She lived in Houston, still does actually, I still stalk her sometimes -- and I seriously came pretty close to moving down there to be with her for real, but it just kinda faded away before I got around to taking action.
I know it's dumb but I honestly believe in alternate universes that split off when certain decisions are made, and I believe there's a universe where I moved down there and had a whole bunch of little Texan children with her. They would have dark hair like her and big eyes like her and pointy noses like me, and they would play in the playground across the street while she and I sat on the front porch and drank domestic beer with some underground record on the turntable, cranked up loud so we could hear it through the open windows.
However, this is the first I've heard that it's humid in Houston. I thought it was like Arizona but with more Cadillacs and cowboy hats. That alternate universe in which I married [name redacted] just went from being mystic and idyllic to being horrific. And I know you didn't mean to do that. I know sometimes we hurt people by accident. But you destroyed something beautiful today, and I thought you should know.
lol. This is great. I remember someone referring to it as "a boiling swamp" and that has always stuck with me. I'm not sure where you are now, but if it's the NE/Mid Atlantic, I would often describe it as "you know those two weeks of August that are just miserably hot and humid? Yeah, well it's that from May through October." I don't even get how people existed down there before AC. Jan/Feb are beautiful tho. Cool and dry.
But I do remember one day I was sitting in the garage, on a lawn chair, drinking a Shiner Bock. I was in my underwear and watching my kids, my younger one in just a diaper, and they were playing in the puddles right out in front of garage. And I was like "shit, I've gone full Texan." lol