we've been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter's premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we've been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I've never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I've tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I'm talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she'll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can't tell if she's scared of me or if she just doesn't care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I'm trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I'm not sure what to try next, I'd really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I've genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I've been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I'm kind of at a loss.
Couldn’t agree more. I spent years trying to form the relationship I desire with my closest family members. Then I looked at their lives and realized that they simply don’t have relationships like that. So I dialed down my expectations, which is sad to me, but it’s helped foster more enjoyment at the times I do see/talk to them.
The most challenging times are when I hear these people speak about how “family is soooo important.” But yet they can’t make time, commit to plans, or even have open, honest communication. Hell, even just responding to texts is a stretch for most.
I know it’s virtue signaling now. It’s stuff they say to coworkers or friends. It does not mean they are actually interested in fostering a close relationship.
Ah yes…. Buut faaaamily. I’ve heard that one many times. I come from a terrible awful abusive family, so the only times it’s ever said is when you refuse to take more abuse from them.
I think the worst one my mother ever uttered was “I was born to be a mother. That’s what I was meant to do in this world”. Oh. Yeah? Your one and only daughter begs to differ. A lot.