This is my cat, Max. His dad was a feral maine coon and his mum was a lazy barn cat. He is simultaneously weirdly crafty and the most head-empty animal you could meet.
He yaps a lot which is normal, he likes annoying the birds at our window. But also he will not stop eating hair? I don't exactly leave random strands of hair everywhere; my wife and I have shoulder length & extremely long hair respectively, but we always put stray strands in the bin.
Idk where he even finds it, but he eats hair. He loves to eat hair. He sits by the couch or our carpeted stairs and he chomps at the air, trying to grab a spare strand and eat it. He chomps like mad all day at random places. Occasionally I catch him dragging his ass, because he has a turd hanging from his butthole by a long strand of hair 
Why on earth does he do this? How do I stop him? Why is my dog so dumb??
The face of a guy who jumped up on your bed at midnight and dragged his ass around on the quilt with a turd attached, requiring you and your wife to wash the bedspread in the bathtub by hand:
When the cat moves so fast he'd assumed the crouching position mid air to fly across the bed before you had time to even react to what was happening lmao
Skidding to a finish