This is a satirical tech story. For readers who prefer the text version, it’s provided below.
The crab has awakened. Prima Nocta is imposed on all unsafe languages.
Fixes: All memory safety issues
Co-authored-by: Valentina Bitcoinita <val.php.lambo@cryptofemboys.xyz>
Co-authored-by: Esperanza Rustacean <esperanza.blazingly.fast@caracas.rs>
Co-authored-by: Sir Borrow Checkington <sir.borrow.checkington@vatican.va>
Tested-at: The Ketamine Bar <qa@post.capitalist.space>
Pure blackout after that. I woke up two days later in my apartment.
The Reckoning
Our Linux patch had not only been rejected but had apparently been the final
straw for Linus Torvalds, who announced in a profanity-laden email that he was
removing all Rust code from the kernel.
“I’ve had it,” his email read. “At least C developers know when they’re
drunk.”
Phoronix was in uproar about the “Ketamine Kernel Incident.” My GitHub profile
had become a cautionary tale.
After soberly checking my earnings, I realized my $100 investment resulted in
a profit of just $400 before fees and taxes. Not enough to quit my job hunt.
In retrospect, the whole experience reminded me of my last job: Good
intentions, moral compromises, and spectacular burnout.
But the real shock came when I opened my wardrobe that evening, looking for
clean clothes to wear to my job interview in a couple of hours.
There was a collection of striped pink programmer socks. Dozens of them, like
some sort of Rust swag. Where had they come from?
But hey, at least I got pizza, and the socks were surprisingly comfortable.
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