The dilemma

I grew up with loving parents and had a happy childhood, but am beginning to realise that a persistently low sense of self-esteem may now be hampering my life.

Growing up, I had a fractious relationship with my older brother, who I think resented me for being the academically gifted child of the family. Constant rejection and ridicule by him left me feeling frustrated at times. In my last few years at school I felt bullied by a group that I tried (and failed) to become a part of. I didn’t even like them. They constantly made fun of me under the guise of “banter”.

I’m now a postgraduate student and have studied at top universities, but am troubled that my life choices are conditioned by a need to prove myself, possibly stemming from a deep-rooted sense of insecurity. At school, I based my self-worth on academic success. At university, I developed an obsession with the gym and an eating disorder. I felt that if I had a perfect physique, I would be more popular.

I care excessively about what impression I’m making and can’t bear the thought of displeasing people. How can I stop caring what other people think?

Philippa’s answer

You are living your life by externally referencing. This means your actions are guided by what you imagine other people think of you. Your challenge is to become more internally referenced, which means you can make choices guided by the experience of how things feel to you. Go with what feels good, not with what you think would look good to others.

Older children often feel displaced by a younger one and instead of berating their parents for producing another child, they take out their frustration on their younger sibling. The roles of victim and persecutor become habits and the youngest can feel that if only they could get it right for their big brother everything would be fine, but they never can. When we are children, the relationships we have become templates for our subsequent relationships as teenagers and adults.

You describe your relationship with your brother as one of rejection and ridicule. He represented what being “in” looked like, and you felt “out” and were desperate to be accepted so you could be “in”. You sought similar dynamics when at school. This is what our psyches do with unfinished business – we unconsciously seek out a similar dynamic in the world that we experienced at home to try to finish that unfinished business – . It’s as if we tell ourselves, this time I’ll get them to accept me. But what happens is the same pattern repeats itself, in your case ridicule and rejection. We crave control over these dysfunctional relationships, which is impossible.

Eating disorders often develop because, unlike relationships, what goes into your body is something you can apply complete control over. Realistically we know that the perfect gym body doesn’t make us more popular. We see people every day with all sorts of body shapes who are comfortable in their own skin and happily take their acceptability for granted. They feel comfortable without having to emphasise that they went to “top” universities or that they have the perfect physique. I think you know all this, but I’m spelling it out anyway to help you to separate from what may be a toxic belief system that holds you back.

Become interested in your feelings and when you recognise that you want to impress, or that you feel left out, congratulate yourself for spotting the feeling and not acting on it. Tell yourself, this is the old big brother dynamic rearing its head and it belongs in the past, not the present. It takes practice. You were impressed by your big brother, by the banter group at school and the trouble is you want others to be impressed by you in the same way. Let go of this. You don’t need to impress anyone. You are good enough exactly as you are. We are not necessarily accepted by people because we impress them and, in fact, if we try too hard to do that, we are more likely to be rejected. You don’t have to say “top” university, you can be proud of what you have achieved, but without being competitive. That would be bringing in that old dynamic of sibling rivalry once more.

We do care about what people think about us. We want friendly colleagues and close friends – it matters. People will want to be around you because they feel seen by you and you can get on each other’s wavelengths, not because you are impressive. So let go of impressing and think more about relating. Worthiness is not about being a top academic, it is about being a caring, curious human being and your work is something you do – it isn’t you. There’s far more to you than that.

Be who you really are, rather than who you think you ought to be, Mr Perfect. The former is real and the latter is fake – and people pick up on that. Let go of trying to control how others see you, enjoy the give and take of relationships and leave the past in the past.