Masturbate

I like putting vaseline on my lips overnight (it's best to apply it on damp lips)

I use it to search for things that you can't see.

I was going to use it to lubricate keyboard switches but it turns out that it's bad for plastics.

I use it as anti-seize for RF connectors. It allows cables to connect to antennas without getting stuck, even if left like that for years in maritime environments.

EDIT: Just make sure the vasseline is neutral and not (even slightly) acidic. Otherwise it'll cause corrosion.

Creating silicone dice molds for resin casting. The vaseline acts as a mold release

The ointment for my overnight dry eyes is half petroleum jelly half mineral oil. I can and have used Vaseline (which is almost entirely petroleum jelly) in a pinch.

I had an old Japanese truck, and when I replaced the oil pump you were supposed to pack the spaces around the gears of the new pump so it would pump oil. It was how you "primed" the oil pump.

I use it on my instruments. Greasing the cork connectors on my clarinet and lubricating the tuning slide on my trumpet.

cracked skin on my soles

I use it to coat my car battery terminals.

For evaluation talks with my employees ofcourse...

I use it after cleaning the impeller on my aquarium filters. They naturally collect goop around the magnet bit of the impeller which makes them quiet, but eventually there will be too much goop and they stop spinning or make a horrible racket. If you clean it off all the way it will buzz and rattle for a while. A big blob of vaseline will quiet it down until the goop builds back up.

It's great for keeping rust off tools. Just the slightest whiff of vaseline will keep rust away for years. I tend to use a spray can of vaseline for that though, not a tub.

exzema and "slugging", ie cover feet in foot cream (or any other body part/cream type), cover that in vaseline and wear socks for a couple hours or overnight.

We used it to lubricate seals on a pool pump.

Chafe Hotspot while running.

Eczema, where your typical lotion just won't cut it.