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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Angry_Grandad on 2023-10-04 07:06:19.
My 20 year old daughter lives with me (m47). She has a boyfriend Gary (20m) who currently lives with his own parents. She lost her job over COVID and has felt to sad since then to look for a new one. I’m not sure if Gary has ever worked but he doesn’t now, mostly he just sits around my house playing X-Box and eating my food. I’m not Gary’s biggest fan, but my daughter loves him so I tolerate him and have always been polite to him.
About a month ago, she went missing for a little over 3 days. While she does go out a fair bit without telling me, this was a lot longer than usual. I rang her mother and messaged Gary and any of her friends I could think of, and no one had seen her. Eventually Gary responded with a picture of a baby and ‘Say hello to your grandson!’ She had never even told my ex-wife or I that she was pregnant (for context, she’s a bigger girl and had put on a couple of extra kilos over the last couple of months. While it seems obvious now in retrospect, at the time it just seemed like normal weight gain).
She and Gary bought the baby back to our house some time the next day while I was at work. When I got home, I asked her why she wouldn’t tell me something like this, and she said it’s because she wanted Gary to move in with us, and she knew if she’d asked before the baby was born I would have said no and that she and Gary need to get themselves sorted, both get jobs, and find their own place to live before the baby comes (she’s probably not wrong). But if she waited until he was born then I’d have to say yes to Gary moving in because what kind of monster would keep their grandson from living with their father?
I was so mad at her reason for hiding it that I yelled at her, saying that it was an incredibly manipulative thing for her to do, and I was too angry at the moment to give her an answer about Gary. I told her I needed time to process and think, and asked her not to talk to me for a little while.
She rang her mother in tears. My ex then rang me to ask how I could be so cold, and tell me that I was ruining what should be an exciting and magical time for her, my daughter, Gary and myself. She said I’d look back on this in years and feel terrible that I spent the first days of my firstborn grandchild’s life making everyone upset by being angry at my daughter and her boyfriend and stalling their plans to live together with the baby.
I feel like I’m justified in being angry about them intentionally trying to manipulate me, but everyone around me seems to think I don’t have a valid reason for being bothered in the first place, and that I need to get over it, move on and let them live together. AITA?