This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/noobvs_aeternvm on 2025-12-28 16:24:56+00:00.

-This… feels wrong.

-You’re training to be a vampire slayer. Here’s a vampire, so…

-This is not what I was expecting.

-What were you expecting?

-Hum… a vicious killer?

-Right. Apprentice, vicious killer; vicious killer, apprentice.

-This is a vicious killer?

-How else would it get to this state?

-What one thing’s got to do with the other?

-You know how the food chain gets thinner at the top? More grass than bunnies, more bunnies than snakes, more snakes than eagles…?

-Yes, you need a lot of plants for each herbivore, many herbivores for each predator.

-Well, that too. But also there’s a lot of stuff that’s hard to wash off your system, the higher you are in the food chain the more toxins you accumulate.

-I don’t think I’m following.

-Humans are at the top of the food chain and these things feed on humans, for centuries.

-What does this have to do with it sounding like Darth Vader trying to breathe through a wet paper straw?

-The early industrial revolution was powered by coal, let’s say he got a lot of “thick” blood.

-That much?

-This and the asbestos. Back in the day the pipes were coated with it.

-Asbestos turns you into a rusty washing machine?

-You mean the shivers? Nah, both Romans and Chinese went big on mercury, it was the radium of ancient times.

-Radium?

-Yep, was the 20th century's AI, everything was radium infused, that’s why the glow.

-At least the pale skin matches the image I had in my head.

-Funnily enough this is a recent phenomenon. Once lead got into paint and fuel, the vampires started experiencing kidney failure, which led to widespread albinism.

-Master, no offense, but at this point I’m more inclined to put this poor bastard into a wheelchair and gently stroll into the Sun.

-Why would you do that?

-It obviously can’t walk without its feet. Why doesn’t it have feet, by the way?

-Diabetes.

-Right, we’re in America. So, can you help me bring it into the Sun, master?

-What do you think this will accomplish?

-Don’t they vaporize or something under sunlight? You know, creatures of the night?

-They have no problem with sunlight, at least they didn’t until we decided every woman under 50 had to be on birth control and skincare was another word for chemical warfare. Now, they peel like a snake if left under the Sun.

-Is there any point in slaying vampires by now? This feels like beating a guy in a wheelchair.

-Trust me, padawan, it won’t even notice.

-It won’t?

-We went big into anti-depressants since the early 2000s, his mind has left this world decades ago.

-Oh! Ma! Gawd! That’s it, we’re out of here.

-Where do you think you’re going with this creature, young one?

-In search of an organic farm run by a reclusive couple of vegan lesbians. At this point, this thing deserves at least one last decent meal.

___

Tks for reading. More human mercy here.