Of course he is. He's in IT!

and emotional intelligence

Thank you for telling me I'm unfit.

say “the bar is in hell.”

This reads like a joke or an exaggeration, but it's really there.

You're right in that one interaction is not going to fix an asshole, but perhaps if there were actual efforts being made in society to keep men like that in check, we'd see their prevalence decrease. As is, they're allowed to exist nearly completely unchecked (and often thrive, in fact), and so I feel the need to be one of the few people to "check" them.

Anyone else coming up to me who's making it clear they're just trying to fuck me can eat a dick for all I care. Do that in a place where it's appropriate, not when I'm out having fun with friends, or god forbid literally on a date with another woman. Want to flirt with me anyway? Well you'll have much better luck doing it in a way that isn't sexualizing me. Compliment how I did my hair that day, how my outfit comes together, or something I did that you feel is commendable (and don't give off that "I really wanna fuck you so I'm gonna compliment you until you say you like me back" body language while doing it; that's not much better). Or y'know, just be friendly and polite and start a normal conversation with me and get to know me. You'll get a nice response with warmth and friendliness (unless I'm in a bad mood or in a rush, but in that case it's really more of a "sorry, I don't have time to talk right now" kinda thing). If I can tell you're flirting, I'll politely let you down by saying I'm not interested in men. Call my ass big and allude to how much that turns you on and you'll get a stone cold bitch who wants nothing to do with you.

Is it treating you like a sexual object to strike up a conversation? If they're objectifying you, that's one thing. Are they literally coming up to you and saying "Hey, wanna hook up?" Or do you consider it sexualization every time a man says hi?

No, of course striking up a normal conversation is fine, I'm not gonna be mad at literally anyone for doing that; gender aside. Here's a non-exhaustive list of some behaviors I have a problem with: coming up to me while clearly unable to keep your eyes off my body, using some shitty sexualizing pick-up line, saying something like "you're hot" or "damn girl, you've got it going", making comments solely about my inherited physical appearance (i.e. "nice ass"), alluding to how horny my body is making you, that kind of stuff. If someone comes up to me and gives me a genuine compliment (i.e. I love the way you did your hair, that outfit comes together really well, you did a really great job on [X thing they witnessed me do]), I'm not gonna go out of my way to check their ego.

Dating functions are one thing, but arguably only a small portion of dating activity takes place at those or begins from an interaction at one. And dating apps are notoriously toxic. The thing about genuine love is that it doesn't happen when you mean it to. It's unrealistic to expect to find it at those type of events. If it happens at all, it's more likely to emerge organically. A chance encounter that turns into a coffee that turns into dinner that turns into three years and counting.

Yeah, and if someone comes up to me and actually tries to get to know me as a real, genuine human being, then that's perfectly fine. If they make it clear they're interested in me, then I'll let them down gently, but getting to know someone in and of itself is not necessarily flirting (and I prefer not to imagine that anyone who strikes up a random conversation with me is in it for sex). Flirting, by definition, is acting in a way that shows you have sexual interest in the other person. To be honest, I'm not very comfortable in the idea that someone who hasn't even asked my name has a sexual interest in me, but I'm not the type to engage in one night stands, either. I much prefer someone actually makes an effort to learn what I'm like before they express that interest.

Maybe I don't quite get it, because I don't understand flirting. I wouldn't know how to do it if I set an intention to. I don't really think about interactions as flirting. If I did I would just get nervous and awkward, and unable to think of anything to say. But retrospectively, there may have been times when I was trying to be friendly and outgoing that people thought I was flirting. I'm not really sure what counts as what. So should I have rbf all the time to avoid confusion?> If I'm interested in someone romantically, my first instinct isn't to "flirt," whatever it means. It's more like "Can I learn her name? What can I learn about her personality? I wonder what she likes? Will she talk to me for long enough to develop a connection? How can I get to know her without sounding nosy?" In fact, when I really like someone I get so shy that she probably thinks I'm being standoffish.

You are not the problem, I promise. I think there's a fundamental misunderstanding here of what kind of flirting I'm talking about, and how exactly it's upsetting. Let me provide an anecdote: I'm shopping for my weekly groceries, trying to just make my way through the store and check out. I'm approached by a guy who clearly can't keep his eyes off of me who makes some dirty joke about the contents of my cart. "You're hot as fuck, you know that?". That's the kind of shit that ruins my day. I'm just out there trying to buy a fucking loaf of bread, not trying to catch a one night stand with some guy who thinks of me as nothing more than a means to satisfy his obvious desires.

And besides, how does one get consent to flirt? Do you literally say, "Hi, can I flirt with you?" I don't know much about socializing, but I'm pretty sure that's not how most people would do it, and it would come off as painfully awkward and cringe for everyone involved. What exactly are the logistics for requesting clearance to exchange lighthearted pleasantries in order to gauge whether someone might be interested in continuing the conversation? These things don't come intuitively to me.

Start a conversation. Make a genuine compliment, or express lighthearted interest. See if it's reciprocated. Reciprocation is the key there. Flirting is very different for lesbians, so I don't think I'm the girl to ask for advice here, as I'll never reciprocate flirting with a man anyway. For me, as a lesbian? Telling if there is mutual interest can often be done through eye contact and body language alone. Regardless, I'd throw out a light compliment about something I genuinely like about her (that she had agency in choosing, as that's much more flattering than gawking about someone's physical appearance), and see what kind of response I get. It's an easy way to test the waters. If her tone, body language, eye contact, and response are playful, I know I can keep going. It's fine to casually compliment someone's appearance if they express mutual interest, but do so in a respectful way (i.e. no "wow, you have a nice rack"). I also don't flirt purely for the sake of flirting. I interlace it into conversation, as if I'm interested in someone, I actually want to get to know her before continuing.