This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/poststakhanovist on 2026-03-26 17:59:52+00:00.
Not on our watch
UNAPAL Operations Log - 16/09/2791
WARNING: Comet GL464-2787 trajectory intersecting GL464D on 27/12/2791 with 98% confidence!
Preparing stealth launch of light impactor...
Light impactor successfully deployed, target tracking initiated.
Trtlzik, Lead Astronomer at the Grand Observatory
"Come here to see, young girl!"
Zrtlik cheerfully hopped forward, two pairs of eyes wide open in curiosity.
"I thought we couldn't see the comet anymore?"
"But now we can see what remains of it! Take a look through the telescope!"
Flying stars stretched bright yellow filaments, dipping into the horizon.
"It's like, a rain of light in the sky! That's amazing! Thank you aunt Trtlzik!"
"You see, the comet was headed straight for us, but it shattered a few days ago; now its fragments are burning in the sky!"
"But why? Why did it shatter?"
Trtlzik pondered it for a moment. "That's a question we have yet to answer, young girl... The Great Weaver works in mysterious ways!"
UNAPAL Operations Log - 26/04/2905
WARNING: Comet GL464-2905 intersecting GL464D on 15/05/2905 with 99% confidence!
WARNING: Unavailable time frame for stealth launch!
WARNING: Deploying emergency heavy impactor!
Target tracking initiated, please double check collision parameters.
Zrzilrz, Graduate Apprentice at the Grand Observatory
Zrzilrz hastily skittered into his overseer's study.
"Your attention madam, I found something peculiar when tracking the inbound comet!"
"Don't get your web in a bunch, young man, I told you this comet is likely to shatter from the heat of the sun before reaching us! No need to panic yet."
"About that... I think we're about to find the real cause behind the disintegration of the previous one, take a look at this light on the photographs, apparently moving towards it."
"Are you sure that's not an artifact of the sun's glare?"
"I checked the angles, it would make no sense to look like that. We'll know for sure if the comet shatters... tomorrow!"
"That would be a sensational discovery. By the Great Weaver... what would that even mean, a cosmic intervention?"
Zrzilrz confidently strode into the cavernous telescope room.
"Zrzilrz, you still look impossibly smug a week after your prediction."
"Actually, it's not just that now - field specialists have gathered remnants of the comet raining on our hemisphere, and found something very artificial looking, take a look."
"That's a big chunk... shaped like a shell fragment? This needs to be analyzed through a spectrometer quickly! Am I imagining things or the [UNAPAL] pattern on it looks like... writing symbols?"
"You are not."
Hakim Springbloom, UNAPAL headquarters
Hakim tried to mask his mischevious intent, casually announcing the historic news.
"Hey Abdul, it looks like one of our charge species found out about us, surveillance data shows their media is abuzz with speculation since the latest comet interception."
"Oh damn... wait, which one?"
Hakim stepped forward and deployed the holographic display of his smartphone.
"This one!"
"ARGH! Dude, you know I'm arachnophobic!"
Hakim cackled heartily for half a minute, until Abdul composed himself.
"How long have you waited to do that... anyways, did you tell Shiki about this?"
"Yeah she's aware!"
"What did she tell you?"
"Don't mess it up you goobers!"
"She just loves ancient lingo. Alright, guess I have a speech to prepare."
Rizlrz, Consort of the Prospective Matriarch and Astronaut of Project Unravel
Conflicting emotions swarmed Rizlrz's brain as the deadline for the final checklist drew near. His mission was historic in so many ways - first male astronaut, first person to escape the Cradle's orbit, and hopefully the first to gather evidence of civilization existing outside of the Cradle. He was so proud, inspiring and empowering men to take their share of glory in domains previously dominated by women, yet being pushed to volunteer for such a risky mission, navigating and exploring an asteroid belt, felt awfully analogous to the cannibalistic traditions of antiquity. He nervously checked fuel levels, they would allow the transfer burn to proceed - and decided to contact mission control, perhaps for the last time.
"Project Unravel capsule to mission control, standing by for final checklist."
"Project Unravel capsule, do you hear this? Can you understand me?"
"Yes mission control, I hear you loud and clear."
"We are not mission control."
Rizlrz's sensitive outer layer of hair stood straight, making him feel oppressed in his space suit.
"Who are you then?"
"I am [Abdul Cohen] of the United Nations Agency for the Protection of Alien Life, we decided to contact you before you could embark on a dangerous mission to the asteroid belt that would result in contacting us anyway."
Rizlrz stood speechless for a while. Then he blurted out the first question that came to his mind.
"Did you do it, did you shatter the comets?"
"We did, we took the liberty to install a semi-automated asteroid impactor factory hidden in the inner asteroid belt, 300 years ago; it was operating covertly until circumstances revealed its work to you."
Despite himself, Rizlrz asked, "Why? Why go through all that trouble?"
"To be honest, this was the cheapest and least controversial option that we could agree on. After internal politics spoiled the uplift attempt of blind sentients from the under-ice oceans of Europa, we decided to avoid contact with planet-bound alien species, long story short - our agency was created and probes dispatched to life-bearing worlds in the vicinity of our solar system."
"Are you not in the asteroid belt?"
"Oh no , I'm happily sat in an office on Earth, we can communicate using uuuh unshareable technology. For further questions , our ambassador [Shiki Levasseur] is authorized to provide you with any information that is safe to share."
"I see. But with respect , you told me how , not why."
"It is our agency's mission. What we say to an unfeeling universe attempting to destroy civilizations with cosmic disasters - not on our watch!"