I'm falling apart. Back on my bullshit. Can you blame me? I might be on the verge of becoming homeless again and my life partner just makes a fuss when I bring it up, however I do that. It's always the manner that I approach him that he criticizes and demands perfection in.
He asked me sincerely when we were still homeless to kill him. I was fucking up with Benadryl then, too, stealing it even because I thought I was going to die on that mountain. Then one day he says he talked with his dad and then we started getting money and we got inside in like two weeks. It's bullshit! He's fucking with my head intentionally, and it's breaking me down.
The cult was like this. Or was it Love School, that totes secret government reconditioning program that rewired my dopaminergic pathways so video games were no longer fun, so I wrote more and more and now we're here, at this level of thumbmancy, and still I can't support myself.
Get a job everyone bitches at me about. Ok. I just headbutted a huge hole in the wall, how long do you think I would last with a job? Get something using my writing skills? Ok. I've been trying. I never get even a reply back. Clearly I'm doing something wrong. I have the most poor judgment and I don't know what normal even is now, so how do I make someone actually go beyond my abysmal resume?
Keep posting I say. Get stoned God says. I keep posting because surely there's someone who CAN see me for what I am. People need to be told what to think. There ain't nothing like me, the plumbus of people. Is that beneficial to me or society? I mean, I see what purpose I was made for. Gotta go back to college to do that.
Can't ever make forward progress as everything SEEMS to be working against me, controlling me. Have to become more independent and autonomous. I'm so tired. I'm never good enough. I jump through God's hoops, and the asshole keeps raising the bar. I can't relax. I have to bust my ass, either writing or wordsmithing, which are two different skills. And it's never good enough.
Thanks dad. I confronted my negligent, narcissistic father and he goes on to try to shit in my soul by throwing that he learned my grandma died in a manner as one might use a dagger. Hasn't replied to my texts this morning. Prolly fuming and taking it out on everyone around him. Or maybe not! Maybe the man who broke me is just prejudiced against his own son.
I'm AUTOMATICALLY crazy and dismissed and ignored for weeks on end because I have the audacity to bring up that we live in a police state and that's why things are the way they are. But no, I don't have Trump Derangement Syndrome. I think the character he portrays to intentionally be portrayed that way in the media is an utter dog shit example of a human being, but I'm also aware he's a cop, so he's expected to be a piece of shit, for trust-related reasons.
And if you don't get that, speak into the mic.
