A few years ago, I met a man online. I was 19 then, and he was 32. It was my first romantic experience and mostly my last. I don't know how to explain that feeling... I woke up in the middle of the night several times to check his messages. We could talk about literally everything under the world. It was incredible. I thought he was the kindest and most gentle person I'd ever seen in my entire life. I didn't even see his face, although he really wanted to show it to me, but for some reason I wanted to hold off on it, even though he had seen my photo. But I could imagine what he looked like based on how he described himself to me and I heard his voice, and I'm sure that even if he really were as unattractive as he considered himself, I would love him no matter what. He really gave the impression of a man who would accept me for who I was and would never leave me. I don't think I've ever felt happier than I did then....

But then I ruined everything. I won't tell you how you can irrevocably ruin a relationship with someone over the internet, but I did it. And since then, I've been completely broken and plunged even deeper into this relentless cycle of suffering and self-hatred. I still sometimes cry at night because of it. During this time, I tried to meet other people, but I never felt anything like this again. Maybe because there are no other men like him, or because my condition is so shitty...

I can't stop thinking that if I could do it all over again, I would marry him, we would take care of his beautiful plants together, have five huge dogs, I would cook all his favorite food, I would be the best wife and mother in the world to his children, just like we dreamed of together, and so much more.... I understand that it may be damn stupid to suffer because of a person I've never even met, but I don't know how to get rid of it. Am I stupid or crazy? My life sucks so bad.

Judging from the downvotes, this appears to have offended some people. But I don't care. You live and breathe politics. Anytime you bring politics into any community, you are contaminating it with a disease of thought. That thought is tribal-thinking and you may be familiar with it. If you're not, try having another tiresome go-nowhere debate with someone with a different political bias than you and you might understand why that isn't welcomed in a lot of communities who wish to never have politics come in their direction.

Politics bring nothing but arguments, division, in-fighting and much more. We don't need more of that.

I'm a former Independent who has grown frustratingly tired about the political landscape of where my country has been, has gone and currently is. I have stomached a lot of bullshit over the years, since about my teenage years when I decided to feel like an adult and get involved into understanding politics and later got to vote in them.

I've voiced numerous opinions over the same years about where I stood on issues, I've voiced counter-opinions and even surgically analyzed those same stances to bring out a more evened perspective about a subject at large.

And all that getting politically involved has gotten me, is nothing but a chaotic cycle of stress, I'm bordering up on cynicism and it has not improved my life in anyway. Especially since I continue to see a society that is mostly all mouth and no action when things mattered the most. I've seen society decide to act after the fact that they've been fucked over, at a point of being too late.

I've engaged in too many arguments that amounted to nothing but for someone to feel holier than thou over and gain brownie points just for representing their stance or just being the loudest.

I have lost friends over political bullshit. I'm tired of being tugged here to support this and yanked there to support that. I'm fed up with the browbeating.

I'm just so fucking tired of this society and this world that ultimately...doesn't even know what it truly wants. Out of anything. Out of anyone. At the end of the day, people preach their choirs, but there is next to no progression afterwards.

I'm tired of my hobbies and passions devolve into political turmoil. I get a sickening feeling in my mind the moment someone feels they have to drag in current events or make yet the billionth comment about how they think Trump sucks. I get it. We get it. But I don't care anymore so check your political bullshit at the door.

Because I'm done.

Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.

It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.

I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.

I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.

That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.

Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.

I got bullied a lot. The only clique that didn’t bully me, was them. They were very ride or die people. They always made me laugh, my first ever crush was on one of them, but I never told him. Then, years after school, I’d get random people from that subculture helping me. A bunch of them talked me out of suicide. I didn’t even know them, but that’s what they did. And now that subculture’s just…gone. I know those people still exist, obviously, but every time I think about it, or watch old videos involving people of that subculture, I feel a wave of warmth followed by emptiness. I never got to thank some of them for making my teenage years my golden years. I felt safe opening up to them emotionally. Otherwise, I was a closed book. My family are very "get on with it" "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" people.

I forgot to put my age, but I’m a woman, and 30.

Me: [Describes my assignment this term. It concerns a current supreme court case.]

Him: Wow, they're teaching you real ideas! That's something. That's how you make something of yourself in your field. What do you think about that?

Me: Uh? Regarding my brief or something else? My brief was just assigned. I haven't started researching it yet.

Him: No, that they're teaching you real ideas. Do you have an opinion on that?

Me: um, no? I like the assignment. It seems interesting.

Him: That's not good. You should have a take on that. If people don't believe in what you're saying, you won't be worth anything. You need to have a take and be able to argue for it, because that's what your field is paid to do.

Me: Well, no, the law applies to you whether you believe in it or not-

Him: No, it doesn't! Those systems were set up by globalists and Trump destroyed all of that. It's all worthless now. You need to convince people to believe in good ideas that make society better.

Like unless I'm on a fucking gaming computer or browsing a free-Internet site like Lemmy, every fucking website feels like the first time I tried to browse the Internet on my flip phone in sixth grade when it was slower than fucking molasses and everything was broken.

Like no, corpo assholes, you actually don't need to know where I live so I can browse a local restaurant's menu. Restaurant's not even open, so you can't sell me anything even if I wanted to buy! And you actually don't need to serve me 69 bajillion gambling advertisements or whatever fucking awful slop their pushing on consumers these days so I can see the grainy picture of a menu that a customer uploaded.

And it's not like I can even fucking buy a better device anymore because stupid fucking AI vaporware providers are buying up all the fucking computer parts. Like I wanted to upgrade my shit this year but I guess that's not happening. And all this shit, all this destroying local ecosystems and ruining the power grid and making workers' rights even more fucking precarious, all that bullshit, so we can... make shitty uninspired slop faster? Generate CSAM at rapid clip? Actively make the internet even more fucking unusable and make it even harder for real users to use small websites?

I just hate what the world, the mainstream internet in particular, has become (not that it was good when I was younger, the Internet always sucked but it wasn't as efficient at sucking as it is now). I'm not a fucking Luddite but can we please just light these stupid fucking billionaires and their stupid fucking Epstein class government on fire already?

I've worked in a supermarket for most of my adulthood. I can confirm that nobody likes the self checkouts. Least of all the staff. We're supposed to be in eight places at once, monitoring for compliance, preventing shrinkage, helping with the exceptions. But the people using the checkouts haven't been trained to, they're customers, they don't know what they're doing, so they're going to compound it by making mistakes too.

When I started out, you had to be specifically till-trained to operate a checkout. Now they throw people on self checkout duty with no training and say "figure it out". Customers hate it. We hate it. Store management had the bright idea of putting someone on "receipt checking" duty which went down about as well as you'd expect.

I said just put them on a till.

They laughed and said I "don't get it".

What is it?!

I just had a meeting with HR. So for context, the past year or so has been kinda rough at work with anxiety, depression, and ADHD meds that no longer seem to work quite as well as they had been for the previous 20 years. So when stress got the better of me, I made some stupid mistakes, and made a snarky comment or two on Teams. I've actually been feeling burned out off and on for several years, but I do still get some satisfaction from coding, even after 13 years at the same company with glowing performance reviews.

Anyway, today I was given a choice: Take a severance package and leave, or stay with a performance improvement plan. Honestly not sure what I want. I feel like all I needed was was some time to recover from a particularly stressful project. I could've been fine. But instead I get an ultimatum and two fucking days to decide.

I've saved a decent amount of money over the years, so it might not be the worst thing for me to cash out and let someone else deal with the bullshit I'd be leaving behind. I would love to work part time and focus on my game dev project(s). On the other hand, health insurance is fucking expensive, and I'm going to miss being able to donate "a few thousand dollars" to my church's food pantry without needing to worry about myself at all.

I've always been underweight, my entire life. Even as a teenager. I've not been able to get above 125, and at the moment, I'm at 103. My BMI is 14.8. I know I need to eat at least double the calories, but I get nauseous if I eat too much. I'm also lactose intolerant and allergic to tree nuts, so it makes it hard to supplement with protein shakes. I tried the fairlife protein shakes but I think my digestive tract doesn't agree with monkfruit.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling weak all of the time, and having no energy. It feels like my bones themselves hurt. I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks where we're going to discuss testing my thyroid, but I'm feeling like I'm damaging my body beyond repair at the age of 29. I already broke my leg once. I have an implant from it, and the surgeon was very concerned about my weight and that I might have osteoporosis.

This is mostly a ramble. I'm gunna go eat spoonfuls of peanut butter and try to make myself feel better for awhile. If you have any tips, please advise. Thank you.

I'm getting quite strained from the sentiment I'm gathering from people who possess a level of cynicism to where, they believe all Americans deserve what's happening and been happening. I don't agree with that.

There are 75 million Americans, who tried, really tried to get out there and prevent what was to come. We just didn't expect to be outnumbered by two million more people. But I think it's unfair to say that those 75 million americans who tried to prevent the floodgates from opening, deserve this. Because they don't.

There are other countries out in the world right now, who have just as bad leadership if not worse. Should we just assume the people there deserve it? No. Because there are probably people who are likely against their corrupt leaders. America is no different in that field.

We will try again come mid-terms, provided there are mid-terms. Hopefully the 77 million americans who did in fact vote for trump, have gotten enough of a wake-up call, that maybe their poor judgment and poorer decision making wasn't as good as they thought. Because it is they that have damned us to this mess and we know it, we've seen it.

But don't get this idea in your head that every American endorse the idea that we like what we have.

I sold my S&P 500 ETF's back in 2016 after the election. I honestly thought the US economy was no longer a good long-term investment (I guess here 10 years later I was objectively wrong), but mostly because I didn't like the direction the country was heading. Most people here saw his first term as a kind of satirical buffonery, kind of like a circus animal, that papers covered the same way you'd cover a kooky reality TV show. Everyone would kind of tune in (Or try to tune out), to find out what he'd do next.

I don't know if I fully realized it at the time, but clearly he was surrounded by "handlers" during that first term, a few buffers here and there to prevent the ship from going completely off the rails. I remember many said at the time, coming up on Biden's election, that we'd finally have an adult back in the white house and everything would go back to normal. This, I didn't believe. To me, Trump is a symptom more than the disease itself, which lies with a subset of people (Not only americans I might add), who have a very particular view of the world.

There are many Trumps out there, and we see people like him come to power in many places. I'm reminded of Europe a hundred years ago, where people struggled. Nations with huge debts, political leaders who seemed to accomplish nothing, and pointless in-fighting between congressional members while the real people - workers - struggled with inflation, fear, and economic and cultural divide. It seems like a certain political environment starts brewing in these circumstances: People look back to how great they used to be.

And Germany, for instance, was an absolute powerhouse during the 17-1800's, completely dominating all culture, science, and military in Europe. Even today we talk of Bach and Beethoven, we read Nietzsche and Kant, and so on. It's not particularly odd that Germany wanted to return to such a time after the shadow of the first war, and practically felt cheated out of it since Hegel had all but promised that it was Germany's time on the global stage. "Make Germany Great Again".

And in Italy the sentiment mirrored it, as were true across the world, where select people found themselves sympathizing with the same sentiments. It is not a uniquely German, Italian, or American phenomenon - it seems to be rooted in the psychological makeup of human beings. When we struggle, and when times are hard, we become desperate. Political opinions drift toward these extremes, because the more desperate you are, the more change you want. And few people are more desperate than the young, already ideologically inclined, who walk the streets unable to find jobs due to economy, while forced to take care of family.

They start to rightly observe that their votes don't seem to make much of a difference, that no matter what political message they send - nothing seems to change. The elite seems to laugh at them from tall buildings, regarding them as lazy, poor, and unintelligent. And therefore their votes and views grows more extreme, as the only people who seem to hear them, are the types who are mostly demagogues. I think all people who vote for demagogues have one thing in common: They are completely disillusioned with the existing system, and want someone to throw a wrench in it. It is no coincidence that Trump's grassroots campaign picked up momentum on 4chan.

I'm not a conservative myself. But when I read Edmund Burke's critique of the french revolution, I think he has a point in his critique of revolutions. Not only are governing bodies organically evolved and difficult to artificially devise in a power vacuum, when they are toppled everything also becomes extremely unpredictable. You may topple the tyrant king, but soon you have an even worse evil conqueror on your hands, because the underlying forces establishing the hierarchy are still in place.

I suppose the more marginalized, pressured, and disfranchised you are - the more absurd a reformist position is. "Do we really hope to change this heap of shit from the inside? Slowly? Are you kidding?". But whatever is needed, does need to come at least somewhat organically because the underlying forces are still there. So if Trump is the symptom, then what is the disease?

Israelis aren't going anywhere

It doesn't matter how much you hate them. It really doesn't matter.

I repeat again. They are millions of Israelis. They aren't going anywhere.

I'm stunned when people say "Israel doesn't exist" or "Soon, Israel will be destroyed"

This is a childish level of denial.

Palestinians aren't going anywhere

It doesn't matter how much you hate them. It doesn't matter. They are millions of Palestinians. And they aren't going anywhere.

I'm stunned when people say "Palestine isn't actually real" or "They are a fake people"

Absolutely childish level of denial

Pro-Israeli fanatics are actually encouraging the Israelis to believe this non-sense that Palestinians will be crushed.

The same way, Pro-Palestine fanatics actually encourage Palestinians to believe that Israel will be destroyed with more efforts.

This is just non-sense.

1. Israelis aren't going anywhere. Whether you like it or not..

2. Palestinians aren't going anywhere. Whether you like it or not.

Two very simple truths. Yet some people are in denial about that.

I recently accepted a position at a mid sized company after finally getting interviews following a year of searching. I have been trying to leave my current job at a larger company because I am burned out and do not respect the leadership. I dislike it so much that I gave my manager my notice right away. He is a good manager and I wanted to make the transition smooth. But I did this before the background check cleared.

If it is just a criminal check, there will be no problem. But now I am worried it is more than that. When I applied, I listed my education as a BS. But actually I only have some college. I joined my current company with only one credit left to graduate. They even mailed the signed diploma. I know it was a mistake not to finish. Now I am afraid they might contact my school and take back the offer. Even though the job posting says or equivalent experience, and I have worked here twice as long as I was in school.

So I messaged my boss after hours to withdraw my verbal resignation. I have not heard back yet.

I am really scared I have made a big mistake. I know they cannot take away my experience. But the tech industry is in bad shape now. It could take months to get another interview, even if I apply every day like my life depends on it, because it does.

If they do not let me take back my resignation and the new company cancels the offer, I will likely lose severance and maybe unemployment too. Since it will look like I quit. The only hope is that HR has not been told yet according to my manager. But it is embarrassing. I wish I had waited until the check passed.

I do not know what I will do if I end up without a job. I have nowhere to go. My savings will last about four months. I would not harm my self as I have family, but this did make the disturbing visual cross my mind and it is hard to forget. I have never gone from so happy to so sad in less than 24 hours.

I'm fucking stunned at the number of people who claim to be "Progressive" but sincerely believe protests in Iran are a vast Mossad operation that should be put down.

Intelligence Agencies don't operate like that. Mossad agents don't go around distributing bags of money to thousands of protesters in 40 different cities.

Ali Khamenei's regime has committed human rights abuses and crimes against humanity since 1989, including killing thousands of protesters, rape, ethnic persecution, torture, systematic political repression.

If you get arrested in Iran, this is what they do to you:

On 11 July 2003, nineteen days after she was arrested, Kazemi died in Iranian custody in Baghiyyatollah al-Azam Military Hospital.

Shahram Azam, a former staff physician in Iran's Defence Ministry, released a statement saying that he examined Kazemi in hospital four days after her arrest and found obvious signs of torture, including:

Evidence of a very brutal rape

A skull fracture, two broken fingers, missing fingernails, a crushed big toe, and a broken nose.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zahra_Kazemi

Just because Iran opposes Israel doesn't make it a good government:

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-62793573

https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/iran-executes-2-gay-men-sodomy-charges-rights-group-says-rcna14540

Saddam Hussein was a murderous psycho who also opposed Israel.

Hafez El Assad was a butcher who screamed "Syria stands against Israel"

I'm genuinely horrified at the number of people who think Iran's regime is right to shoot protesters because "they are paid by the Mossad". Or those who say "it's a Western conspiracy theory, they aren't killing anyone"

I know a woman who kept quoting Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International reports about Gaza for months.

But now, strangely, she thinks Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International are no longer credible sources:

https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2026/01/iran-massacre-of-protesters-demands-global-diplomatic-action-to-signal-an-end-to-impunity/

https://www.hrw.org/news/2026/01/12/irans-internet-blackout-concealing-atrocities

Fucking tankies.

Sorry for the rant

I always tell my dad, “Wealthy people tend to date wealthy people; a girl from a multi-millionaire family isn’t going to date the pizza guy.” My dad says, “No, that’s not true. What if she really likes him, or what if NO guy from an upper-class family wants to date her?” And another really stupid line of reasoning is, “Why would a guy from an upper-class family care about a woman’s background if he’s the one who wants to ‘take care’ and ‘provide’ for her?”

This is really stupid for a few reasons. Let’s start with the most stupid argument.

“What if no guy/girl from an upper-class family wants to date her/him?”

Again, this is stupid and nonsensical; it would be like telling a middle-class person, “What if literally NO middle-class person wants to date you?” This is stupid because it’s unrealistic.

People tend to socialise with who they are around and date who they socialise with…

Middle-class people will mostly likely date someone from a middle-class background because that’s who they socialise with.

In that same vein, people from wealthy families move in higher social circles. I doubt they could have the opportunity to meet people from a different social class anymore without getting out of their comfort zone.

Very rich people live in a different bubble.

They go to different schools, different restaurants, live in different areas… They don’t use the same transport, buy in the same stores or sleep in the same hotels as the lower and middle classes. They also have their own social clubs and their own universities, which are exclusive.

They only meet lower-class people in a professional setting: as servers, employees or workers. But rarely in a social setting.

The idea that the boy from the slums marries the princess or the king of the country comes into a coffee shop and marries the barista – that’s not really how it works.

People usually gravitate and socialise towards the thing that they are

Am I saying it’s impossible for some 22-year-old guy who works at a coffee shop to date some 32-year-old millionaire influencer? No, it’s not “impossible”, and I’m sure it has happened before, BUT IT’S RARE! Or if this 32-year-old influencer came from a modest background and doesn’t really care about money like that, but even then If she did date some middle-class 22-year-old, that 22-year-old would probably be very goal-orientated and hard-working and be in college getting a degree to get a job that pays a lot of money. Basically he would have to have big goals and aspirations.

Even if you are a super wealthy upper-class person who came from a poor or middle-class background, your lifestyle for the most part changes, and the people in your social circle will also be wealthy.

I'm bipolar, but I have never, ever had a manic episode while sober. Each manic episode was caused either by cannabis use or cannabis withdrawal. From my doctor's point of view, I've seemed like I just have vanilla bipolar disorder, but that's because they never knew just how much pot I smoked. I was never completely honest with my doctors. I told them I smoked pot, but I never told them I smoked as much as I actually did.

I'm sober now, though. Been sober from everything except caffeine and nicotine since December 16th of last year.

Based on the research I've done (as well as just plain common sense), it seems like folks like me don't need the same medication regiment as typical bipolars as long as they stay sober. If there's one thing I have felt since 2009, it's that I have been overmedicated. Wanna know how overmedicated? In June of last year, I stopped taking my lithium because I wanted to be able to feel emotions again. During that time, I started remembering things about myself. I remembered that I've always been fascinated by langauge. I had completely forgotten that, even though I majored in linguistics in college. I have been so low functioning because of meds that I haven't had a job since January 2015.

I'll stay on my meds for now, but I sure don't want to.

"WhY DiDn't bARacK ObAmA FiX tHe Us HeAlThcAre SyStEM?"

Motherfuckers. Go read some actual books.

He had to fight a harsh, brutal and bitter political battle to get the freaking US Congress to pass some small improvement. He had to literally beg Senators.

It's really not as easy as you make it sound.

"WhY dIdN't He ReGulAte WalL StReET?"

He did. It's called the Dodd-Frank Act.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodd%E2%80%93Frank_Wall_Street_Reform_and_Consumer_Protection_Act

"WhY dIdN'T He WanT tO TaX tHe RiCh?"

Actually he did. All the budgets he proposed wanted to increase taxes on the rich. After he lost the midterms, he never had a majority. The US Congress rejected most of his budgets.

Internally, the US President has a lot less power than you think

He either says "fake news", when the news comes up, that Trump is not racist, that Trump is racist but he doesn't care because he hates the Arabs and "illegal" Latinos too, and thinks that it was people like Renee Good's fault for getting shot. Not only that, but he constantly misgenders me even when I'm genderfluid and use he/;him sometimes too and thinks transgender and nonbinary people don't exist. Just wanted to share that.

Yet I'm still kind of attached to him...

So I used to be friends with this woman, Jaiden (25F), who saw my followers and began talking to my sister (15F). She then began to be friends with her friend (15M).

Her beliefs are: "“I hope I can become the biggest online celebrity of all time, a truly legendary all-star never seen

before.

And I want to be the best at every field out there. And be so beautiful people of all genders and

orientations would be head over heels for me And I want to be so beloved that I would be showered in free gifts and tributes daily. Even

from people who just met me.”

“I want to be the best at everything.

And also make 24 movies a year, two 200-song albums a week, 4 giant videos a day, and a thousand projects and shows at once. While drawing 32 drawings a day and being the world's greatest beacon of hope. And animate perfectly while being the best at every sport and every game. And releasing a thousand projects every month.

And knowing everything about everything. And being the greatest hero to all LGBTQ+ people and the greatest person to ever live, that I even surpass God Himself."

My sister Lena's friend copy and pasted these messages and sent them to Lena, and Lena sent them to me asking for advice. My advice to her is to block her and for her friend to, but I also feel bad for her and whenever they block her, she sends people to beg them to please unblock her.

She also comes from an abusive family, says all her friends abandon her and hate her, and has PTSD and BPD along with autism and ADHD.

About last month I venting to my friends just about life and things and I made the mistake of admitting that I needed money for a good therapist and they were like "do you really need one though?" and I had to explain that I'm am a person who deals with schizophrenia and I need help with dealing with seeing/hearing things and coping with my condition.

I remember how they all when silent. I don't usually talk about my mental health problems as it's personal but as it came up and they asked me so I just told them straight. They just asked some questions at first like "how long have you had it" and "if I'm hearing things rn" etc etc before I changed the subject to something else. Looking back I really regret doing so because in the following weeks they would text me less, ignore me on the ground chat, invite me to less gatherings and not respond to me when I message them. Don't get me wrong they don't completely ghost me but they don't talk/hang out with me as much as they used to. In past month I've met them like three times even though I used to meet them weekly.

Honestly, I'm more disappointed then anything else. Not just with them but with society as a whole. I hate how we all pride ourselves with being mental health positive but when it comes to the non wholesome mental health issues like schizophrenia, NPD, compulsive lying, ASPD then it's a completely different story. I love my friend group but I hate how they all dumped me especially when it's the number one thing I'm most self conscious about. We were supposed to be open with each other but now they've all left me just because I told them about one of my personal problems.

Don't get me wrong I still love my friends but I just need them to understand that none of us are perfect and I'm just a normal person who has some problems like everyone else. It doesn't make me a dangerous person. Schizophrenia isn't something that can be cured it's just a part of me I have to live with. I just need some help with dealing with the voices and seeing faces on things. That's all. I'm not a danger to no one in any way. I'm planning on confronting them about this soon and just telling them all this. I don't know know how I'll go about it but I just need to make them understand because I really like what we have.

Tomorrow maybe Greenland is attacked or Iran, and the orange abomination still sits on his throne.

I want to dive into the deepest darkness and torch the place so they know what light looks like.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Whatever you do, please do not engage with this politically. This is just venting. It's precisely because I don't believe that any of these things are good moves that I at least want to vent them. FUCK.

But what can we do

My wife drank herself to death the night of her 29th birthday, 2011. We'd been together for 10 years, and I had been trying to force her into getting help for her alcoholism for the previous 4. 2 months before she died, I told her she had to go back to her mom's place. I told her "I can't watch you destroy yourself any more."

Her death destroyed my career in the Navy. I lost my deployable status on submarines because I needed antidepressants, I couldn't focus, my performance slipped even though I had landed a cushy shore rotation job, and a year after she died I decided not to reenlist.

From then, I've failed at everything I've attempted, gradually becoming less and less able to leave the house. I've lost so many jobs because I'd wake up in the morning and just couldn't go anymore. The VA just tries to load me up with medications, even though I've been begging for trauma therapy for 12 years.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Just trying to lance the boil a bit, I guess.

So my (formerly agnostic, now atheist) friend (Christian) is very Christian and obsesses over it. Her only friends besides me are Christian and all they talk about is the Bible, Jesus, and God. She also tries to "convert" people. She tried to convert me by asking what my relationship with God as like, if I read the Bible, etc. and tried to get me to apologize to God for being agnostic and not Christian "for Christianity is the only true religion and He will come soon".

She constantly talks about it like I said and constantly tries to get me to convert every time we talk.

I just wanted to talk about this a bit. Get it out of my brain and onto paper so to speak.

I'm away from home as I often am. Never with the same crew, though sometimes there are familiar faces. My career attracts the more "rugged" or close-minded types. I won't say bigoted because that isn't often true. Just... If it isn't sports, drinking at bars or stereotypically "manly" it's grounds for nitpicking. There's also a meritocratic rank structure and matching uniforms. I'll let you all deduce what that means on your own.

Anyway, we all made our introductions, talked about the work ahead and went our separate ways. I've had great experiences with tabletop gaming at various locations and stages in my career. I was introduced to D&D by a long time friend and regularly play with a group of people from work.

So... I figured I'd make the offer to the group in our text group. I told them if anyone was interested ever, that I brought a bunch of D&D stuff with me as well as some Warhammer 40K stuff and would love to play. We're here for 8.5 months after all. Might as well play some games.

Immediately I'm met with rude comments by the most senior member of the group (who is not present) that he can't wait to meet me to bully me for being a nerd. I joke that I'll save him a spot at the table and another person chimes in that it's going to be a pretty empty table.

Not many others chimed in. A few laughing emojis were shared and so on. Whatever.

I'm not completely disheartened but it's certainly a kick in the nuts to make an offer for friendship or be open with people who are just as far away from home as you are and be met with that treatment.

I know in time as others get to know me more they'll open up or want to join in. I've met more nerds and geeks in this line of work than I have outside of it.

I'm also telling myself they're just afraid of things they don't know. I won't disparage their hobbies so I'll praise my own:

A few times a month I get to sit around a table with some of my closest friends, family and sometimes new faces. I get to create a world with them where we can be free from the endless news cycle, algorithms shoving consumption in our faces and we can be happy together even for just a couple of hours.

Sometimes I sit down at a little desk that I built myself and glue little army men together while my wife sits and crochets next to me and we talk about how our days went. My dog nestled at my feet and cats watching me diligently.

I hunt, I fish, I play rugby, I work on my motorcycles, I powerlift and go shooting. But sometimes its nice to just sit down and enjoy the company of my friends free from social expectations, have a drink, smoke some pot and have a few laughs. I'll be missing that for nearly a year.

I'm happy to enjoy the things I enjoy. I don't need other people to validate my enjoyment but it would be nice to have people be kind about it so I don't have to be made to feel so alone.

I think that's the feeling I'm trying to get out in this post that's getting so long now. It was such an isolating feeling. It didn't have to be. But people who are uncomfortable with what they might see if they looked inside themselves for a moment projected those insecurities on me and isolated me for some cheap laughs. Over a decade in this line of work and I've never been met with such revilement. I've gamed with some tough and outwardly "scary" motherfuckers. I've never been bullied before. I'm in my 30s ffs.

Thanks for reading.

thats it. i may take a break unless im too addicted to social media, then ill be back. my life sucks, my depressions back, and i just want to disappear.

i hate this. the thoughts are too loud. i deserve this.

yes, i know im an attention seeking piece of shit, i actually will take a break for my mental health tho. and i am suicidal.