Tequila, some ice

The most water-like thing I am allowed by your very contrived rules. Maybe water with two slices of cucumber.

In that case I'd have h2o too

The only thing that is more water than water, Cors light. But now, really I'd prefer to drink my own piss, since coincidentally enough, Cors Light is also one of the few liquid that is more piss than piss.

Coke zero, baby, yeehaw.

Spezi.

Vanilla milkshakes.

Milk tea

Milk

And no "water with a twist of lemon/slice of cucumber" goofs. Water isn't allowed.

No sugar, no proteins?

Tap water has minerals.

Lemonsoda

Irn bru

P I S S

Tea. There's a lot of room for variation anyway.

Unsweetened ice tea.

I would say milk, but I'd die pretty fast because I just cannot drink enough milk in a day to count for all the water I need, and the excess calcium/whatever would probably be very bad for me.

Maybe there's a type of non-caffeinated tea that gets the job done? Does that count as being cute?

People need water, this is not going to go well.

SoBe Citrus Energy. Sadly it's important to find anymore. Nobody seems to distribute it anywhere near northern IL or southern WI anymore.