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I came across this issue on my own discord server, the system kinda encourages you towards those higher security levels without really being especially clear about what it will do to the user experience.

One thing I would clear up though:

I think both sides in the OP are correct here.

Yes, the server admin sets the security level that triggers those requirements.

But it's also true that the server/admins do not get your phone number, that private information is only kept within discord's verification system. It is not sent to the server admins.

I mean, I sort of get why the developers say it's Discord's policy even if it's a bit misleading.

Game developers don't really want to moderate their own discord server and simply want to use the strictest automated filtering system available and this just happens to include phone number linking. The operators of the servers themselves do not have access to these phone numbers and they are only stored by discord directly to prevent spam.

I would personally prefer games to not have their communities tied to discord, akin to how forums were big deal for games back in the day, but even then they do need some kind of automated way to filter out all the crap. This is a problem with moderating any community, including a lemmy/kbin/mastodon, and I don't blame them for simply picking the strictest option to ease the burden on the 1 or 2 people who are charged with managing these servers (especially if they are unpaid or volunteers, which is a whole other can of worms that shouldn't happen...)

it sucks, and it is absolutely necessary for some communities. i work for a small game company and we have one or two people that have gone to extreme lengths to contribute hate and saltiness to everyone there. im talking dozens of alt accounts made over the course of years. discord provides the tools for these verification paths. its a choice on behalf of the discord managers to enforce the different levels of verification, but it is absolutely discord that stores and verifies that data. we've tried other methods before, like alt identifier bots, and ive been in communities that do personal ID verification, and neither of those are trustworthy. discord is doing their best, and the kinds of people that complain about these things either are ignorant of the challenges such communities face, or are themselves the problem.

Discord has 5 levels of user verification.

None.(none)
Verified email. (Low)
Verified email + more than 5 minutes old account. (Medium)
Verified email + >5 mins old account + member of server for more than 10 mins. (High)
Verified email + >5 mins old account + server member >10 mins + verified phone number. (Highest)

Server admins can set the level. Some server sizes or types (community severs etc.) have a discord-mandated minimum level to qualify for the server type.

Normally (Medium) or (High) security is more than enough. Servers that experience raiding or high levels of trolling are recommended to choose (Very High) security as it makes it harder to make multiple accounts and evade bans or brigade a server.

Discord store the number. The server never sees those details.

Servers that ask for ID to ensure you are over age, are doing that in their own, and probably illegally handling that data, without adequate security.

The server sets the security level. Discord does the enforcing. It IS discord asking for the phone number. But only because the server asked Discord to. But the server definately doesn't see your phone number.

I run a game community server, and normally have security set at medium.

If raided, it goes to High.
If persistently trolled by a user or users that are ban evading (has happened only once), I turn it to highest for a bit.

But I turn it back down after a bit.

A bigger server might not get that luxury.
If a server has stupid high security settings, chances are they have active troublemakers.

I'd like to see what they say if you tell them you don't have a phone number.

The times I have run into this verification stuff, it's for servers that want to be for adults only. And so would much rather just give Discord my phone number than a copy of my ID to the server owner, like most of them want to verify I am over 18.

It's not hard to get a toss away phone number you can use for these things or for 2FA stuff. Like a throwaway email.