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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/PrestigiousString676 on 2024-09-06 22:06:52+00:00.
Florida Man: I swear officer I didn’t mean to blind em, I thought it was a traditional invitation, rather than him trying to get a better look.
Yokai police: Sir, even taking that at ass value, their is still the matter of the smiling woman, who mind you is in therapy after your frankly vulgar reply to a three worded question!
Florida Man: She asked for my honest opinion and I told her exactly what I thought of her appearance. She was definitely outa my league, figuring she must be interested in my Floridian charms I used an old pick up line my grandpapi taught me. Looking back I think it’s a little past it’s expiration date, and was probably why Gramgram fed Gramps to the swamp puppies.
Yokai police: What about the Kappa of Naka-gawa river who you sent to Kyushu universities ICU?! After he challenged you to a cordial sumo match to resolve your disagreement, than defeating him soundly, emptying his bowl in the process. After being defeated he requested you refill his bowl, and rather than walking two steps to the public fountain to procure water to refill the bowl as he requested…
You instead RELIEVED YOURSELF into his head-bowl! Causing him to nearly OD due to exposure to multiple unknown substances. He experienced vidid and horrifying hallucinations for nearly a week! Many of the compounds responsible are completely new to science and alchemy!
Florida Man: Now that my good sir was self defense! I was minding my own bees wax, when the biggest darn snapping turtle I ever did see hopped outta the water right in front of me.
He grabbed my fishin pole, knocked over my bait and started talking smack in sushi while pointing at a street sign and then at a wrestling ring.
When I tried to politely ask for my tackle back. (meaning a vulgar tirade of the most creative combination of cursing, coupled with threats of Cajun seasoning, turtle soup and other such dire culinary omens if the fishing pole was not promptly returned.)
he shoved me, pointed at the ring, popped a squat and smirked.
I took that personally, so we got at it, not gonna lie he was a tough som bitch, but ain’t no ninja turtle gonna beat me, Mama ain’t raised no city boi, she raised A FLORIDA MAN!!
Yoki police: oh then we shall not mention the TV Ghost, an international icon, who is refusing to exit a local shrine claming to have seen “true horror” after trying to scare what she called The “US terror”.
Florida Man: This is all a huge misunderstanding, the butt eye guy yes I was a little hasty and the kappoo feller well I thought my faucet would be cleaner than the tap since FL water is a little unreliable.
Now that Ghost lady I am mighty sorry about, popped right out my TV while I was walking around all oonaturall if ya know what I mean ‘wink wink’, anyway she got an eye full of all American made grade A prime BEEF! No offense officer, but poor woman must’ve never seen a man longer than - ( Sound of police radio chatter)
Yokai police:…… HE DID WHAT TO THE CAPYBARAS?!
Florida Man: I’d like a lawyer, preferably one specialized in FL International disputes.