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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-10-30 03:13:11+00:00.
Unfortunately that’s not a euphemism. It was an explosive on a timer in my pocket (oh dear God). Along with a giant stuffed bear stuffed full of things that also go boom.
Now, for the Human saying of the day. Whistling past the graveyard: To act calm, cheerful, and relaxed while you try not to pee yourself. To ignore any upcoming hazards, while hoping for the best. Along with a song I like.
I walked through the carnival and circus. I did my best to saunter instead of jitter violently like a faulty wire. I whistled the song in question, in some vain hope that the absurdity of whistling that tune would help me calm down, it made me laugh, but it was only the nervous kind. I wasn’t on beat because my heart was drumming too fast.
The issue other than the bombs was that the carnival’s stands, tents, and other stalls made it a maze. Thankfully all of the children, parents, pets, snacks, and other important items were already evacuated, not that I knew that at the time. The trick was to loudly yell out “Bomb!”. Please don’t do that, I don’t want to get sued. Scout split up from me to meet the bomb squad outside, and I slowly made my way to her. Lest I bump something on the bear or my pocket too hard or scare anyone at the carnival.
An Alien clown, who happened to be one of the people who planted the bombs appeared from nowhere. “Oh crap.” I dropped to the ground and drew my peacemaker. I fired a shot at him. A stun round hit him in the chest, he flopped on the ground and swore while tased. I got up and ran frantically in what hindsight was probably just one big circle. Still not noticing how empty the carnival was.
I carefully but still hastily took the bomb out of my pocket and stared at the timer.
2:00
“What!” I yelled, and I heard sounds of what I thought was the bomb squad somewhere near me. I started to sprint over to them, explosive still in hand. More people disguised as circus performers descended upon me and drew their guns. I looked around for cover but there was none near me.
I put the stuffed bear in front of me. They swore in panic and didn’t immediately shoot me. I popped up behind the bear and shot three of them. I tried to think of a quip.
1:48
I changed my mind. I heard more sounds ahead of me. I ducked behind a stall for cover. More hooligans with guns rushed past me. I held my breath and thanked the bomb for not beeping like the movies and reloaded. I heard one of the people make their way towards me.
Until they turned back around.
1:31
I rolled away from the stall and continued my sprint. Until I saw the same people who just walked past me in front of me somehow. We stared at each other surprised. One clown pointed their gun at me.
I threw the bear at them. They yelled and tossed it to their friends like hot potato. I fired more taser shots at them. Careful not to accidentally shoot the bear. After I got all six of them I picked the boom bear from the ground.
0:58
“Oh crap!” I yelled at the bomb like it would do something. Until I heard more sounds around me. I was surrounded. I quickly reloaded. I looked around for anything that could save me, apart from more stuffed animals and food there was nothing else. “Wait a minute.” I said.
0:42
I ran over to all the other giant stuffed bears and threw them around haphazardly around me. “Get your stuffed bears with bombs here! Come one! Come all! For bears with freaking bombs inside of them!” I yelled.
Each time I threw one I heard more swears and panicked voices. One group stood right in front of me, once I threw a decoy bear they dove for cover and yelped.
0:24
I turned a corner and was met by a dozen more people with guns. “Wait! Don’t shoot him, that's Theseus.” Scout stood in front of the cops and more importantly the bomb squad. I ran over to them and threw the stuffed bear at them. Along with the bomb in my pocket. The two men in bomb suits caught them in the air effortlessly.
0:05
One man clicked some hidden button on the bomb with the timer.
0:04
Another reached inside the bear's butt.
0:03
I heard a distinctive click in the bear's butt. I waited to blow up.
0:00
We didn’t blow up. I finally started to breathe normally and laid on the grass. Scout sat next to me on the ground, also with wide eyes and sweaty hair. We both laughed at each other in relief.
“Wait.” Scout laughed even harder. “Why didn’t you just leave the bomb somewhere and let it blow up?” Scout asked me. I thought about it for a second, about how I didn’t see anyone else at the carnival other than the people who planted the bombs. Everyone must have already evacuated. I just carried a bomb around for no reason.
“Oh, Goddamn it!”
Author’s Note: Another quick one shot because I almost took a nap through my deadline.
Vaguely important second note: This isn’t a series, though it could be debated. It’s an idiotic writing challenge I made up one night and keep almost failing. Writing a one shot everyday for thirty days. I write these like an episodic T.V. show, the two main characters are the same, sometimes there are two part episodes but it’s meant to be enjoyed on its own. The fact it can be read in order is a bonus afterthought. Context is overrated anyways.
Thanks for reading. :}
24/30 Days