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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/LukeWasNotHere on 2024-10-31 03:41:53+00:00.
I am sorry to say this whole thing is technically a pun, if that sort of thing causes you to fly into a rage or kill innocent bystanders, you’ve been warned. If you still want to read this, I suggest locking yourself in a closet while doing so. Anyway, we got kidnapped again. Honestly I still have no idea who between Scout and I has gotten some black bag thrown over their head more.
Yet, everyone is still scared of me. One of these days people are gonna learn that while I may be Human, I’m still incompetent. When they do find out, chances are I’m already dead. In the meantime I will continue to abuse criminals and mercenaries warped view of my competence.
I was fiddling with my handcuffs, while I was in a shipping container. “Are we at sea yet?” I yelled and partially deafened myself.
“Shut up Theseus.” Scout said beside me.
Eventually, with enough fiddling, canoodling and other lockpicking synonyms, that I would get into lots of trouble explaining on the internet, I removed my handcuffs.
“Why are you so good at that? Who hurt you?” Scout asked and shook her head.
“Locks only keep honest people out, and that goes for your locks too. Remember what I told you about-” I got interrupted.
“Keeping pressure on this part, I know. I’ll get it if you just give me enough time, you himbo.” Scout said, thankfully focused more on the lock than pissing me off. She was actually a prodigy at the locks I taught her how to bypass so far. Don’t tell her I said that.
I dusted myself off and crept over to the door. Slowly it creaked open and I didn’t see anyone. I fully walked out of my shipping container. I looked out the nearest window and technically I was on a ship. The space kind. One of the larger ones used for cargo, we were still firmly on the ground thankfully. I looked around and noticed how empty the cargo bay was and took note it would take at least a day for them to fill it up.
I heard footsteps and quickly went back to my prison. I put on the handcuffs loosely and sat at the chair beside Scout. I whispered to her. “On a cargo ship, but we won’t go off planet for at least a day. We can totally escape before then.”
I heard a gasp as the door opened. “Kiss? Oh, please kiss.” Scout and I looked over. She was probably the most stereotypical Caelum woman I’ve ever seen, six feet tall, black hair, sunset orange skin, bigger arms than mine, with white irises and pupils, and the rest of her eyes a menacing deep black. She had the same features and stance of a crossbow. Along with a giant scar across her face. For some reason though, when she caught sight of us she started to look like a puppy.
“No.” Scout and I shook our heads in unison.
“Aw~” She started to melt. “Wow, I knew it was cute when you too talked at the same time, but I could have never imagined.” She held her hands together and almost started to float to us. “You need to say married.” She begged more than demanded. “I’m Penelope by the way.” The tall, muscular woman who just kidnapped us said sweetly.
“Are you sure?” I looked at her scar that I was extremely jealous of, and her giant arms. Scout started to tug at her handcuffs with much more purpose but still tried to stay quiet. Penelope let out a high laugh.
“Wow, I have to tell you Theseus I am such a huge fan. I’ve actually been reading your series since the beginning.” Penelope leaned in far too close, then put on another set of handcuffs on me. She also made sure to close the ones I just picked, she held onto my wrist, and didn’t let go. She really must have read it from the beginning.
“It’s not a series.” I said, still not sure why that was the first thing on my mind. I glanced back at Scout, still not out of her cuffs.
“Oh, you even said the line. This is so great, but seriously. You can’t get divorced.” Penelope shook her head.
“Why not? It was a fake wedding.” Scout asked painfully.
“Because you too are perfect for each other.” Penelope blushed and smiled.
“Did you say you started reading from the beginning? Like you even paid enough attention to not let me stay unsupervised in handcuffs.” I looked down at her hands and said.
“Yes.” She smiled back extremely proud.
Scout and I took a long pause. We looked at her insultingly.
“Just because you threatened to shoot Theseus in the face when you first met, Scout doesn’t mean anything now. You two fought together, you even gave Scout her own gun, Theseus. Your chemistry is off the charts. I mean you literally call him ‘himbo’ Scout.” Penelope started to bounce up and down.
“Yeah because he’s an idiot.” Scout replied matter-of-factly. I nodded in agreement.
“Oh so you just conveniently forgot that it also means he’s hot and dumb?” Penelope gave a victorious look and swayed side to side.
“Are you forgetting that he’s so stupid it would cancel out any attractiveness he has?” Scout pointed at me.
“So you admit he’s hot!” Penelope pointed.
Scout glanced at me. “Eh.” She shrugged.
“Good enough for me.” Penelope smiled back.
I looked at Scout and started another eyebrow-only conversation. “Get out of the handcuffs already! This woman is clearly deranged.”
“I’m trying, you himb- idiot.” Scout said with a raised eyebrow and eye roll.
“Oh, are you two having one of your eyebrow conversations again? This is what I mean.” Penelope’s manic energy finally stopped. She started to speak softly and less from her fanaticism and more from her heart.
“You too saved each other so many times. Theseus, we both know you could have escaped Scout a hundred times already. But, you stayed with her, still helped her. Risked your life so many times, willingly, for her. Do you really think that in all these days, so close to each other that you haven’t caught just a little bit of something more with her?” Penelope asked my heart more than my brain. I never thought about it like that.
“Scout, you’re right, you had a gun pointed at his head. He dishonored your family, humiliated your brother. Why didn’t you shoot him? Or at least kick his ass. Why did you let him talk his way out? Why did you listen? Why are you sitting right next to him?” Penelope asked Scout’s brain more than her heart. Scout eyebrows furrowed, and her head tilted.
“You know there’s a reason why. Why enemies to lovers is so popular, why so many people think you're dating. Because even while you complain and insult each other you still care about each other, save each other from mercenaries and criminals. Theseus’ average, worldly and strong but not refined or scholarly. Scout’s rich, proper and educated, but doesn’t know the world and can’t punch.” Penelope spoke more to herself than us.
“People are so fake nowadays, always showing off their love so loudly in a way that can’t be true that often, that obvious. But you two, it’s quiet, private, you even hide it from yourselves, because it’s so obvious, so true you don’t have to say it out loud. It’s so refreshing, to have people who love each other pretend not to, instead of the opposite we see so often. You two are the same in the few ways that matter, but different in all the ways that complete each other.” Penelope chuckled to herself, and had a satisfied smile.
I thought about what she said more closely. Scout was for once out of words, and just sat there.
We stared back at each other.
We both knew she was right.
Scout leaned in towards me.
I leaned towards her just as much.
Penelope was too shocked to speak.
We kissed.
Psych!
Scout finally got out of those damn cuffs.
She punched Penelope right in her crazy face. Once Penelope let go of my hands, before she even hit the floor I was out of both handcuffs. I was messing with them when she was blabbering on.
Scout stood over Penelope’s half conscious body. “Goddamn only children. All that stuff makes us more like brother and sister! You kidnapping psycho! Do people not have siblings they hate but still have to love?! What in the Hells are people smoking? Is there something in the water supply?” She yelled.
“I’m an only child.” I said.
Scout laughed. “No wonder why you’re so annoying. Himbo.”
Author’s Note: I have made a giant pun (maniacal laughter).
Vaguely important second note: This isn’t a series, though it could be debated. It’s an idiotic writing challenge I made up one night and keep almost failing. Writing a one shot everyday for thirty days. I write these like an episodic T.V. show, the two main characters are the same, sometimes there are two part episodes but it’s meant to be enjoyed on its own. The fact it can be read in order is a bonus afterthought. Context is overrated anyways.
Thanks for reading. :}
25/30 Days