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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/ScheduleExtension819 on 2023-09-17 22:15:53.

My Husband and I had our first foster child placed with us four months ago. A 10 year old girl, it has been a lot of work but we're making a lot of progress with her and finally have her in a position where she feels safe and is willing to begin opening up with us.

Her therapist has suggested that we have her involved in activities with other children to help broaden her socialisation which we have been doing but an opportunity closer to home is coming up, My niece is having her 9th Birthday in a week and my sister has rented out an indoor play area for it. I reached out to my Sister asking if I could bring my Foster Daughter with me to the party so she could play and spend time with the other kids. I even offered to cover the extra cost of her food if money was a concern and if it had been somewhere that it was a price per child i'd have paid her entry fee too.

My sister wasn't into the idea at all, saying she wasn't comfortable with it as who knows what "Issues" my foster daughter could have and what if she caused any trouble on the day? and even if she didn't cause any trouble there was the fact this is my niece's day and what if the other parents and children were curious about who this new child was and began to ask a lot of questions. I was rather angry and shocked at this and how heartless she was being, she's met my Foster Daughter and it's not like she has ever caused any trouble before and it's just a horrible way to view a child.

I asked her what the hell was wrong with her and that if anyone was curious she could just say that it was a girl her sister was taking care of, there is no need to go into further detail. She told me that she isn't comfortable with it all the same and isn't going to change her mind. I was angry but not about to argue further on this matter and told her if that was how she felt it was her decision but I wouldn't be going either then as it's not right for me to go to a children's party while my foster daughter sits at home left out as what kind of message is that?

I told her i'd call my Niece on the day of her birthday and of course send a gift round but that i'd just tell her I was too busy to attend, my Sister is angry with me over this as i've never missed a single birthday for my Niece and i'm very close to her. She feels that this will really upset her daughter and she doesn't get why I can't just not tell my foster daughter where i'm going.

I honestly am conflicted over this and feel horrible that it will upset my niece but I don't want to lie as we're trying to build a foundation of trust and respect with our foster daughter. Is it wrong of me to not even do a flyby visit to say hello?

Edit: I should clarify that while my niece's friends are going it is also relatives and children within the family attending.