Going to go through the troubleshooting guide on iFixit on the remote chance that I can salvage this thing...

Thanks to @sloppy_diffuser@sh.itjust.works and @limerod@reddthat.com. The GrapheneOS page recommends getting at least a "7," but I can probably sell some more plasma and the rest of my Precious Moments™ figurines to get a more expensive model. The 5a5g did indeed have a headphone jack, but I guess anything newer than that doesn't have one. Which means, I guess, earbuds/bluetooth (what Mrs. zdhzm2pgp calls "ear cigarettes")? I've never had these for anything; how well do they work? I was sort of under the impression that the sound quality was not great, but that was also a long time ago.

Pixel 8A should be a good upgrade for you. It also supports grapheneOS so you should be up and running in no time.

Could be the battery. My 5a5g died after 3 years and it was the battery. I couldn't get it to boot that I could tell even while charging. Didn't try calling it though to see if it rings.

Sounds odd, but have had similar issues with a Nest cam. Main powered doorbell camera resets when someone rings it until I replaced the battery.

Can't remember if the 5a5g had a headphone jack (using 7 pro now), but you can kiss that goodbye. Fingerprint reader is in the screen now instead of the rear, but otherwise its been functionally similar.

The 8 line has extended support. If you care about security updates I'd check https://endoflife.date/pixel and pick what's affordable. (a) models are at the lowest end, followed by the regular 8/9, then pro models for the best hardware.

Graphene also recently added some options like:

• Cap charging to 80% to extend battery life.
• Fingerprint reader + 4-6 digit pin. My normal pin is long so I'm happy with this change as forcing my biometrics won't unlock it alone. Capped at 5 attempts.
• Kill switch pin. If forced to give up a pin it will factory wipe the phone.