It's pretty much a ritual of mine to be and stay hammered most of my travel day.

Chug most of a half pint of liquor in the parking garage, double of Johnnie Walker Black for pretty much every hour I'm in the airport, order some mini bottles (or carry on my own) on the plane, sleep until my destination, and then do whatever it is I'm doing that day.

But then, I handle my alcohol extremely well (and have the red hair gene that makes you less susceptible to its effect and process it more quickly). So I don't really get in trouble.

You mean modern Christianity?

Why have a child so they can grow up to fight in the water wars or die of famine during ecological collapse?

Nah this is perfect

This is how you get people to start rooting their TVs

Every time I look at Matt Gaetz, all I can see is if Butthead (from Beavis and Butthead) were a real person and grew up rich.

I'm just trying to pay for housing with my meager allotment of 80 hash browns per week

My wife has an iPad and one of the things I hate the most is that you can't install adblock extensions into Firefox on it like you can on Android. Which is a thing that has made using the browser on the phone wayyyy more enjoyable.

Prior to collapsing, Rome achieved a sustained population in excess of a million people.

This did not occur again anywhere else until the mid 1800s.

I say it all the time: He isn't actually a person, he has no real human emotions. He's just a sucking black hole of narcissism, and lashes out at his enemies accordingly.

"Please pay this monthly access fee to maintain access to your account."

The secret ingredient is commun~~al~~ism.