I’m not a native English speaker.

Neither am I, but I've yet to meet someone enjoying depression to the point of getting a "high" out of it.

Time may be linear, but life and learning is not. I'm 49, and was diagnosed with adhd at 47 -- let me tell you, that put my past in perspective. I, too, have had many, many more failures than I'd like, and have had my battles with my inner demons. I'm still around, and want to provide as much compassion as I needed then. So I'm very glad to hear back from you, total stranger.

Be proud of your core identity. Have faith that things will work out. They may not be perfect, but in life there is zero guarantee of things being "fair" so be greatful for what little you feel that you do have going for you. I'm cheering for you.