being in america, it's apparent that there are a large number of people (especially in red states) for whom part of the strategy is to accuse everyone else of cheating, all the time, no matter what.

I'm not saying they're all the same, but 100% of the Vanlandingham's I have met in Texas have been rotten to the core. Real sociopaths. Smiling and friendly all while planting a knife in your back. And yes there's more than one example in my weird little anecdote. They eat their own children! (figuratively)

How do you even cheat with a goat?

Poisoning the opposition goats, I think

Steroids, perhaps? Do they judge how hard a goat can headbutt things? I don’t friggin’ know. Never mind.