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submitted 9 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by kescusay@lemmy.world to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

We've been getting some weird posts lately that... Well, they're not making me think it's gotta be an Onion headline, that's for sure.

So just a little refresher. Posts should be:

  1. Links to news stories from…
  2. …credible sources, with…
  3. …their original headlines, that…
  4. …would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

If it's not Onion-y, it doesn't belong here. Bizarre, horrific, and violent news can be here if the headline reads like something out of The Onion, but if it doesn't, it's going away. And if there's too much non-Onion-like content from an account, that account is going away, too.

If you're not sure whether the real news headline you've found is like The Onion, here's a few sample Onion headlines from today:

  • "Visiting Friend Pleasantly Surprised By City’s Open Hostility Toward Homeless People"
  • "Increasingly Powerful Trans Person Capable Of Using Every Single Bathroom At Once"
  • "Man Feels Like Bystanders Are Arguing For Him To Put Gun Down In Bad Faith"
  • "Wally The Emotional Support Alligator Went To See The Phillies"
  • ‘New York Times’ Issues Apology For Reporting Palestinian Deaths

See? Find headlines from real news outlets that remind you of headlines like those. And just to prove my point: One of them is real.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/17924644

CrowdStrike, the cybersecurity firm that crashed millions of computers with a botched update all over the world last week, is offering its partners a $10 Uber Eats gift card as an apology, according to several peoplewho say they received the gift card, as well as a source who also received one.

On Tuesday, a source told TechCrunch that they received an email from CrowdStrike offering them the gift card because the company recognizes “the additional work that the July 19 incident has caused.” 

“And for that, we send our heartfelt thanks and apologies for the inconvenience,” the email read, according to a screenshot shared by the source. The same email was also posted on X by someone else. “To express our gratitude, your next cup of coffee or late night snack is on us!”

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submitted 18 hours ago* (last edited 18 hours ago) by Aatube@kbin.melroy.org to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

["]His childish nickname for her is 'laughing Kamala' because she feels joy, and joy is something he has never experienced and doesn’t understand. Faced with the reality that he is now running against a vibrant, intelligent, experienced woman who is fully two decades younger than he is, Donald spent Sunday and Monday flailing, trying to find an angle of attack that would stick."

"Donald also hates women (especially strong women) and minorities, so you can see why current Vice President and presidential candidate Kamala Harris terrifies him to the point of incoherence. He says she’s 'crazy.'"

"They’re so desperate and so afraid that they’re floating the idea of suing to force Biden to stay on the ballot," Ms. Trump continued — an idea that is doomed to fail. "We, on the other hand, are more energized than we have ever been, and I believe that we are going to make history this year when we elect our first woman president and saving democracy. Because of the right’s desperation and total lack of decency, we’re going to have to go through hell to get there — slogging through the muck of their racism and misogyny — but we will get there, and I believe the country will change for the better in the process."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_L._Trump:

Mary Lea Trump (born May 3, 1965)[2] is an American psychologist and writer. A niece of former US president Donald Trump, she has been critical of him as well as the rest of the Trump family. Her 2020 book about him and the family, Too Much and Never Enough, sold nearly one million copies on the day of its release. A second book, The Reckoning, followed in 2021.

In September 2020, Mary Trump sued her uncle Donald, aunt Maryanne, and the estate of her late uncle Robert, claiming that they defrauded her of tens of millions of dollars from her interests in her grandfather Fred Trump's real-estate portfolio. In November 2022, the lawsuit was dismissed. In September 2021, Donald Trump sued Mary for at least $100 million for providing The New York Times with financial documents which it used as a source for a 2018 exposé about his wealth and the family's finances.

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submitted 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by kamenlady@lemmy.world to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

SpaceX employees' work is breaking barriers, while this asshat keeps terrorizing them with his utter gross bullshit

Edit: after reading through the article again, some passages stuck out, like:

Apart from aspiring to become the biological father for his Martian colony, Musk has leveraged many of his own businesses to create a civilization on Mars, including Boring Company tunnels to dig under the planet's surface and a Tesla Cybertruck rugged enough to traverse its mountainous landscapes.

So, take it all with a grain of salt.

*Emphasis mine

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I'm not sure if I should be laughing or crying. Probably both.

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cross-posted from: https://lemm.ee/post/37827627

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submitted 22 hours ago by Fontasia@feddit.nl to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/3060096

$10 UBER EATS gift cards. You can't even get a fucking donut for $10 on Uber Eats lmfao.

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Windows 3.1, launched in 1992, is likely not getting any updates. So, when CrowdStrike pushed the faulty update to all its customers, Southwest wasn’t affected (because it didn’t receive an update to begin with).

Aside from Windows 3.1, Southwest also uses Windows 95 for its staff scheduling system.

One X user suggested that the company switch to Windows XP—it’s also no longer updated, and it can run Windows 3.1 applications via compatibility mode.

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submitted 6 days ago by ptz@dubvee.org to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world
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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/25269065

As surely as Donald Trump sought to cash in on his various criminal indictments, so the former president turned Republican presidential nominee began to sell merchandise commemorating his attempted assassination in Pennsylvania last weekend.

In Butler county on Saturday, a rooftop gunman wielding an AR-15-style rifle fired shots at the stage. Trump was wounded in one ear. One rally-goer was killed and two injured. The gunman, who was killed by a sniper, was discovered to have had an explosive device in his car.

Despite such traumatic events, 45Footwear, a company which has sold $399 golden Trump-branded sneakers, swiftly offered a new range of high-tops.

Rather more pricey than unofficial assassination merch churned out in China, the $299 white shoes were emblazoned with the US flag, an image of Trump with fist raised and face bloodied and the words “Fight Fight Fight” – his instant reaction to being shot.

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/17664620

The leader of a neo-Nazi extremist group based in eastern Europe has been charged with plotting to have an associate dress up as Santa Claus and hand out poisoned candy to Jewish children in New York City to sow terror, prosecutors said Tuesday.

Chkhikvishvili, who has various nicknames including Commander Butcher, allegedly leads the Maniac Murder Cult, which prosecutors said is an international extremist group that adheres to a “neo-Nazi accelerationist ideology and promotes violence and violent acts against racial minorities, the Jewish community and other groups it deems ‘undesirables.’ "

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Not The Onion

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We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

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  1. Links to news stories from...
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  3. ...their original headlines, that...
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