Yeah, same. To that end, i feel extremely lonely because i can't express like i supposed to be and have to suppress the feeling. Growing up i was taught not to cry, because men don't cry, so i basically have two expression, smile and resting bitch face. Even when the time i have severe depression and had suicide thought, i still smile while talking with friends back then, which kinda makes me think i'm fine.

While my current friend group is much more open to the concept and woman friend is much easier to talk with, i still find it hard to talk to them because it's just so hard to tell them what is actually wrong, because shit isn't stem from a single issue, it's a long running build up of the size of the mountain, and they seems to can't get that, which then got offered an unsolicited advice that is way off from what i feel. I tried it a few times, i pretty much gave up now.

I also find it hard to try looking for a partner in my current state. The last one, while it isn't toxic, still treat marriage as something the man must uphold, man must do this and have that and have certain income, instead of an equal partner i'm looking for. Looking around and seeing how the world operate around me and what's the average woman looking for, equal partner is just a distance dream. I'm chinese and this is in asia btw.

As for how i cope, my cats is basically my closest best friends, i can do silly face with them, laugh freely, and don't have to hold up my tear in front of them. I also went casual cycling frequently, i find myself much more expressive while on bike and happier, hiking does help too, i feel human when people just randomly greet me and i greet back. I also ignore people with toxic masculinity, a way to tell them their opinions doesn't matter, basically shrugging their words away without causing conflict.