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Parents
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this post was submitted on 10 Apr 2025
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Dear parents, if you're always romping around your house ranting about your convictions, your politics, your religion or your opinions of other people, your kids are NEVER going to be open and honest with you.
If you have ever told your kids "You can tell me the truth" and then proceeded to lose your shit when you heard the truth, your kids are NEVER going to be open and honest with you.
If you do this and you think your kids are just the sweetest, kindest and most obedient and well-behaved kids in the world, you're DEFINITELY going to end up in a home.
And to make it crystal clear - trust doesn't magically reset as soon as a kid hits puberty. If you've been dismissing them and their concerns throughout childhood, they aren't going to suddenly come to you with their problems, no matter how much you tell them they can.
I remember my parents ignoring my complaints as a kid. Then around the age of 12 or so, it was like a switch was flipped. I was being told frequently that I could "come to them with any problem." Cool, just one question - where was this attitude a few years ago, when all my issues were "silly kid stuff" to you? I was basically trained throughout my life to never to bother you with my problems. You can't just undo that by saying a few magic words over and over.
I'm quite convinced that linear-minded parents just project everything they hated about themselves as children onto their own children without even thinking about what the kid is going to remember or not. My earliest memory, like age 3, was my dad getting angry for no reason and pushing my face in the dirt when my mom wasn't looking. It was my first formative memory and still as sharp in my mind as when it happened, because it confused me and made me feel betrayed and forever unsure what was going to happen in the future.
edit: And what happened in the future? A lot more sneaky abuse and psychological torture. Until I finally went no-contact at 35. He eventually died alone from alcohol overdose after having alienated everyone in his entire life or driving them to self destruction. I say again, you reap what you sow.
My mother, now that she is old, frequently asks if I remember random things: people I used to know, places I've been, hobbies I used to enjoy. And when I say yes, her response is, "Oh, but that was so long ago!" or, "But you were just a child then!" I think what she actually wants to know is if I remember all the horrible things she said and did to me. 🙄
My mom's the opposite. I bring up memories to her and she doesn't recall them. She claims not to remember any of the shit she said to me during my formative years, which leads to her now with the "missing missing reasons" whenever my siblings and I don't talk to her.
Mine loves to reminisce, but she also claims to not remember actions that make her look bad, or she claims they never happened and I'm lying because of my "insecurity." But I think her preemptive "oh, but you were a child!" suggests that she actually does remember these things. If she didn't remember her actions, she wouldn't be trying to make me doubt my own memories of them decades after I stopped arguing with her and just distanced myself.
Ugh, that's gotta be so frustrating. At least my mom knows my memory is better than hers - she admits it during neutral and pleasant times, like when sharing old stories. But when it comes to things she said or did that hurt me, she goes from "Yeah, that sounds right," to, "I don't remember that." I don't know if it's a subconscious block, conscious denial, legit memory lapse, or what.
I know the tree remembers what the axe forgot and that my mom has never been one to self-reflect on her actions much, so it could go either way. Which reminds me, she absolutely expected me to master certain skills as a child that she still has barely grasped even today. Skills like anticipating others' emotions, being able to laugh at one's self, recognizing when one is wrong, and so on. Things that she insisted I do, but never set an example of how. She legit has told me, on numerous occasions, "Do as I say, not as I do."
Ohh, don't worry, Ma, I'm way ahead of you. Why do you think your grandkids (my nieces/nephews) ask me to hang out all the time instead of you?
"Do as I say, not as I do," was a common saying in my family, also. It sounds like she wanted you to be an adult while she still felt like a child. I think some parents never grew up.
My dad was borderline abusive when I was young, but as soon as I hit puberty he stopped being like that and started saying "you can come to me about anything"
Is he a better person now? Yeah, probably. Do I trust him more now? Yeah, probably.
Will I ever go to him for help before exhausting literally every other option? Absolutely not
This is one of the things I told myself I would never do, and I've stuck to it. I'm a father of 5, including three daughters. When they started going through puberty, I made it a point to let them know that they can come to me with questions if they wanted to, and that I will never, ever make them feel weird about it. My eldest is 14 now and has held me to that promise.