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this post was submitted on 27 Aug 2023
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Asklemmy
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You mention the culture where you're from -- might I ask what part of the world you're from?
I know this will sound very therapist-y, but why do you think it takes you so long to consider someone a friend? Do you have a very high threshold for what you consider a friend? Are you worried about trusting them?
Regarding the "they're not the person I want to spend my life with, so what's the point" statement: so what if you know you don't want to spend your life with them? Are you enjoying your time with them at that moment? My friend, I worry that you're sabotaging your present in search of your future, but what if you're also sabotaging your future by doing that? We're monkey-brained humans so we're constantly pondering all "what ifs" and that can sometimes distract us from what is right in front of us at the time. We constantly spite good in search of perfection, but there usually isn't such a thing. It'd be like refusing a modest lottery winning because you're waiting for the big jackpot. Work with what you have, my dude!
I can appreciate being gay can greatly reduce the dating pool, too. I'm a bi man but most of my relationships have been het; scouring dating apps for gay men I find the vast majority I do not vibe with at all, and most bi men here are poly with het female partners and are looking for threesomes / group play -- from my experience, anyway. So I can't fully appreciate how difficult it is for you to find someone you connect with (culture where you're from, someone to talk about philosophy and books, etc) but I do have some idea. However, even if they don't check all your boxes, sometimes "good enough" can be good enough.
Ah, don't be so hard on yourself. Most people are not "lookers" anyway. Win them over in other ways!
Rural ass Appalachia. Lol. By culture I was specifically referring to the gay culture here, but the culture writ large is also not one I particularly vibe with. I try my best not to paint with a broad brush, but it's undeniable that there are certain cultural and social elements at play here. The gay culture here is absolutely inundated with meth and "parTying." The larger general culture has an almost... Antagonistic view on anything even remotely academic or intellectual. On top of that, my political views just do not align with the vast majority of the people where I live. And I'm not trying to disparage anyone, I understand there are reasons for all of that, and that education in this region has historically been so poor that they've had to retool a lot of the testing specifically for this region. But I've lived here 10 years, and I've managed to make 3 friends, 2 of which live an hour away, and we meet up in a city that's central to us.
As far as making friends goes, it's not that I don't trust them at first blush or anything, I guess I'm just sort of stuck in my own routine, and it takes quite a lot of time before I can adjust my programming to include another human into that. I have to feel a connection with them to want to include them in my life, and that takes time. On top of that, it's incredibly difficult to find people with shared interests. And I know, I make the perfect the enemy of the good. I do that, and I need to stop.
But lemme tell you about my most recent date. Lol. Met this dude online, talked for 2 weeks. He seemed perfect. Great guy, exactly my type. Smart, funny, into nerdy shit, loves philosophy, he's a writer.
We meet up at a local park, where's there's a busy walking trail. Go on an hour long walk, where he informs me the love of his life is in prison for dealing meth, will be getting out hopefully in 2032. He wants someone who will me in with him, and keep him company, be a companion until his man gets out of prison, at which point the relationship has an expiration date.
The guy before that was also pretty compatible, not exactly everything I wished for, but a good guy, i thought it could be something. We broke up because he was in the closet, which, fine, I understand that. What I couldn't tolerate is how he would go out on the weekends with his cousins to go fagbashing. They'd catfish a guy on Grindr, and then pummel the shit out of him. He was so afraid of his family that he would participate in that. Which is horrible that he had to deal with family like that, but I just couldn't sit by idly. He broke up with me when I reported turned in his cousins.
Tennessee can be a lovely place, but get too far outside of a city, and it turns dark real quick.
haha say no more. I'm from Toronto and have never been to the Appalachians (rural or not), but uh... that area of America is well known. Infamous, even. I'm a bit surprised there's a discernible gay community there at all. There's a lot of "parTying" here too (I see what you did there), not my vibe at all. As someone from outside of America looking in (because we are perpetually bombarded with American culture) it seems like the vast majority of the country is anti-intellectual. Which is of course by design, it's much easier to stage an authoritarian coup if the majority is too dumbed down to think critically and fight it. Plus starve the beast, wedge the class divide further, and you have masses of people fighting each other for crumbs. I suspect your life would be greatly improved if you were able to get the hell out of there (of course that is easier said than done). I can't imagine it's going to get much better there anytime soon.
Wow, imagine waiting 10 years to be with a meth dealer. That man clearly has some serious issues. And the gall to assume that someone would agree to be in a long-term relationship with an expiry date. Plus if things end up going really well, and he doesn't want to wait for his meth-man anymore and just be fully committed to you, you then have a potentially angry ex who just got out of jail, expecting his guy to still be waiting for him. No matter which way that would go it would be absurdly messy.
What in the fuck? If something like that happened here it would be front page news. But the way you describe it, and the fact that it has a colloquial term, makes it seem like it's a common occurrence? That's fucked up to the point that I wouldn't be surprised if you could apply for asylum in Canada because of it.
Okay, with all of that in mind I'd probably also be hesitant to accept and integrate friends into my life, and would have a very difficult time dating.
It's not the most common thing in the world, and to be honest with you, the majority of people around here don't hate the gays anymore (they've moved on to the trans!), but yeah, it happens. It just generally isn't reported as being motivated by their sexual orientation. It's just a random attack, or drug related, or whatever.
Jesus, I'd move to Canada in a heart beat. Sadly, I'm one of those working poor you hear about. No marketable skill that would let me. I know y'all have your own set of problems, but to be somewhere I wouldn't have to worry about healthcare? Dream come true. Feel like marrying a southern neighbo(u)r for a few years? Just long enough to get me in. Lol.
Where's my ring?!
Also, we're all working poor. Wealth has transferred to the hands of a few. Of course some of us have slightly more than others, but from the perspective of those with all the wealth we're all just living on pennies.
I'm sure you have SOME kind of skills that could be marketable if massaged the right way, no?
32, halfway through a bachelor's in creative writing, mainly worked as a security guard (read receptionist), cashier, and inbound call centers. :/
But fr, how does one woo a Canadian for citizenship? Teach me, and I promise I will make the daily offering to Tim Horton and eat the ritual poutine at least once weekly!