No need to get ashamed! Lots of people had bad experiences in chemistry classes at a young age and don't remember much beyond "it was hard, it didn't make sense, and I was really bad at it." So, you're in good company!

This is at least partly because chemistry was traditionally a "weed out" class, meaning it was used to determine whether people "had what it takes" to succeed in the sciences. As a result it was usually taught in a way that made it harder than it needs to be and a lot of people decided not to pursue STEM careers/education because chemistry felt too hard. But lots of times , it felt too hard just because it was taught poorly (on purpose).

Basically, don't be afraid to get back into chemistry! Even though I'm in chemistry education, I don't really have any great book recs for someone starting from scratch, as I'd want to recommend a textbook that's not necessarily easy to work through in your own. However, The Poisoner's Handbook by Deborah Blum and Uncle Tungsten by Oliver Sacks are both really fun to read and relatively accessible. To get more of a well rounded, academic understanding I would highly recommend taking a class at a local college (community college if you're in the US, to keep the cost down, but there are probably similar options in other countries). It would be more work and deadlines, but trying to educate yourself about this stuff can be really hard and intimidating, and if you take a class, you'll be much more likely to stick with it and get something out of it.