I love my partner more than anything else in this world. We generally have a great relationship but, I've been working 60+ hour weeks for a few months and it has started taking a toll on our relationship. I'm on the "high functioning" end of the autism spectrum and I'm also ADHD, so my work schedule has been particularly exhausting with my limited social/executive function batteries. I'm insanely burnt out. My SO is very supportive, mostly.. He's been taking a break from low wage jobs and working primarily at the house, and he just started a new freelance style job that amounts to a gig every few weeks for now. This arrangement has been working well for us, in terms of having things covered, but he wants to work more to bring in more income. He works hard and I see a lot of value in everything he does. No issues there. But, he doesn't leave the house much, so he has an abundance of social energy and is significantly lacking in getting enough socializing/ connection. He talks to his mom everyday and me. We're each other's best friends, lovers, and support system.
The problem we're having now is that I'm so burnt out when I'm home that I just want to melt into the couch and completely turn off. He wants to talk constantly because he's been missing me and has a bunch of pent up social energy. When I explain that I really don't want to talk a lot, he reacts like I'm telling him I don't want to talk to HIM at all, and I don't find anything he says interesting. I've tried to clarify, repeatedly, that I want to be around him, but sit quietly and play a game. It's not about him. I'm just too exhausted to be able to focus on what I'm doing (gaming, reading, whatever), focus on what he's saying, and focus on the video he's watching that is usually what he's talking about. I'm being asked to concentrate on three things at once and stay 100% engaged in small talk with him the whole time.. While I'm completely out of mental energy. I explain that I'm exhausted over and over again, as nicely as possible, only to be met with a negative response every time.
On top of this, he does a few things, constantly, that actually annoy me to no end. His idea of organization is hiding things where no one (including him) would think to look for that thing, in a different spot every time, and he leaves shoes/clothes/boxes/etc in the middle of open floors/walkways. I'm CONSTANTLY look for stuff and tripping/stepping on stuff. My ADHD/Autism is already a constant struggle, and his behaviors multiply those struggles. I'm always exercising patience. I look at those things as quirks of the man that I love. Small prices to pay to live with the love of my life. But, when I'm super burnt out I get very irritable and I'm not as patient.
That stuff, plus him refusing to let me sit in peace has been really getting to me and I finally blew up on him. I was definitely an asshole, but I feel like I was driven to a breaking point and he refuses to hear my perspective. His response has been "just go somewhere else and don't fucking talk to me then". He thinks I don't find him interesting at all and I'm not fostering any romance or connection in the relationship. I'm always trying to be sweet/cuddle and he rejects those attempts 90% of the time. He's threatening to leave me if I don't stop being moody. Basically, he's saying "tough shit, this is how I am, take it or leave it". I feel like I'm not allowed to recover from burn out around him, which sucks because, with how busy my work has been, I also really miss him and want to be around him. Why can't we just relax without all the small talk!?! I'm in between a rock and a hard place and he refuses to budge. I feel like I'm losing him and I don't know what to do.
Aside from these (IMO, totally normal) relationship issues, I genuinely think he's the most beautiful, intelligent, and generally amazing person I know. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My plan is to establish some strong boundaries with my boss. Working 60+ hours a week for months on end is killing my relationship and putting too much strain on my personal life/ responsibilities. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for my relationship with my partner, but his reaction to how much I've been going through, and the way he's threatening to leave me after a few difficult months has me questioning if he feels the same.
On top of all of this, my dog died about a month ago. I had her for 13 years, since she was 6 weeks old. Losing her has been one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I've been extremely emotional. Crying multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, over her. Crying at random bits of world news, songs, parts of shows/movies. I'm a mess, emotionally, which has definitely amplified the burn-out irritability. I'm at the end of my rope, my partner has seemingly ran out of patience with me and I don't know what to do. I really need some external perspectives and thoughtful advice.
I left for a 5 day work trip today and we argued in the car the whole way to the airport. Posting this in between connecting flights, so I may not respond for awhile.
Nobody is actually shitty here but some things seem like they are not going to work long term. It is reasonable to have a need for some quiet time and to unwind from work. It is reasonable to need connection and validation of the relationship. It is reasonable to be upset.
He is not being reasonable about how he interacts with you. He is taking your lack of ability to be social at the level he needs as a rejection of him and in turn rejecting you. This is a lashing out response and it is not appropriate or effective. It will either result in the dissolution of the relationship or it will result in longer term toxic behaviours which will then result in the relationship falling apart.
You need to work a little less. That is basically the conclusion you have come to above and that may take time to enact, but it needs to happen. Neither of you will be happy until then. So your action should probably be to reduce just as you have said.
On your partner's end he needs to build his own supports to take some of the load off you. He has a lot of free time that he could use going to a rock climbing class or something similar. That would give him the social interaction he cannot get from you at the moment. He also needs to work on how he talks to you about needs and his responses. He can't put his self worth entirely in your hands. It is unsafe for his wellbeing and horribly damaging to your relationship. He needs to internally validate his worth and that is a skill, not a trait, he can learn that.
Some of what you describe above sounds like he doesn't really understand ASD/ADHD very well and doesn't get how burnout works. Maybe he could spend some time learning about how to be safe and healthy for himself in a relationship with someone on the spectrum? It is hard to know how he would react to hearing this, but he needs to recognise that a relationship with you is not the same as a relationship with a neurotypical and he needs to take care of himself to be safe in that relationship. It is not worse, but it is different. If he doesn't learn how to manage his needs then they will continue to be unfulfilled and he will have a bad time.
And honestly, the dog situation is just devastating. If my partner lost their companion animal I would expect up to 6 months of very low function. For you to be working in this condition may suggest you are not able to grieve properly and are working to be away from demands, but it could also be it just doesn't affect you in the same way it would affect my partner, we are all different. Take care of yourself and grieve as you need to, maybe spend some time talking to him about it if you feel safe doing so.
Oh, and consider planning out movie night or similar things, make it explicit what you need and book it in. Those expectations in advance can help.
So yeah, NTA, but also, nobody is fully shitty here, his behaviour seems less ideal, both of you can do things to make life better, I think this is salvageable.