I love my partner more than anything else in this world. We generally have a great relationship but, I've been working 60+ hour weeks for a few months and it has started taking a toll on our relationship. I'm on the "high functioning" end of the autism spectrum and I'm also ADHD, so my work schedule has been particularly exhausting with my limited social/executive function batteries. I'm insanely burnt out. My SO is very supportive, mostly.. He's been taking a break from low wage jobs and working primarily at the house, and he just started a new freelance style job that amounts to a gig every few weeks for now. This arrangement has been working well for us, in terms of having things covered, but he wants to work more to bring in more income. He works hard and I see a lot of value in everything he does. No issues there. But, he doesn't leave the house much, so he has an abundance of social energy and is significantly lacking in getting enough socializing/ connection. He talks to his mom everyday and me. We're each other's best friends, lovers, and support system.
The problem we're having now is that I'm so burnt out when I'm home that I just want to melt into the couch and completely turn off. He wants to talk constantly because he's been missing me and has a bunch of pent up social energy. When I explain that I really don't want to talk a lot, he reacts like I'm telling him I don't want to talk to HIM at all, and I don't find anything he says interesting. I've tried to clarify, repeatedly, that I want to be around him, but sit quietly and play a game. It's not about him. I'm just too exhausted to be able to focus on what I'm doing (gaming, reading, whatever), focus on what he's saying, and focus on the video he's watching that is usually what he's talking about. I'm being asked to concentrate on three things at once and stay 100% engaged in small talk with him the whole time.. While I'm completely out of mental energy. I explain that I'm exhausted over and over again, as nicely as possible, only to be met with a negative response every time.
On top of this, he does a few things, constantly, that actually annoy me to no end. His idea of organization is hiding things where no one (including him) would think to look for that thing, in a different spot every time, and he leaves shoes/clothes/boxes/etc in the middle of open floors/walkways. I'm CONSTANTLY look for stuff and tripping/stepping on stuff. My ADHD/Autism is already a constant struggle, and his behaviors multiply those struggles. I'm always exercising patience. I look at those things as quirks of the man that I love. Small prices to pay to live with the love of my life. But, when I'm super burnt out I get very irritable and I'm not as patient.
That stuff, plus him refusing to let me sit in peace has been really getting to me and I finally blew up on him. I was definitely an asshole, but I feel like I was driven to a breaking point and he refuses to hear my perspective. His response has been "just go somewhere else and don't fucking talk to me then". He thinks I don't find him interesting at all and I'm not fostering any romance or connection in the relationship. I'm always trying to be sweet/cuddle and he rejects those attempts 90% of the time. He's threatening to leave me if I don't stop being moody. Basically, he's saying "tough shit, this is how I am, take it or leave it". I feel like I'm not allowed to recover from burn out around him, which sucks because, with how busy my work has been, I also really miss him and want to be around him. Why can't we just relax without all the small talk!?! I'm in between a rock and a hard place and he refuses to budge. I feel like I'm losing him and I don't know what to do.
Aside from these (IMO, totally normal) relationship issues, I genuinely think he's the most beautiful, intelligent, and generally amazing person I know. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My plan is to establish some strong boundaries with my boss. Working 60+ hours a week for months on end is killing my relationship and putting too much strain on my personal life/ responsibilities. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for my relationship with my partner, but his reaction to how much I've been going through, and the way he's threatening to leave me after a few difficult months has me questioning if he feels the same.
On top of all of this, my dog died about a month ago. I had her for 13 years, since she was 6 weeks old. Losing her has been one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. I've been extremely emotional. Crying multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, over her. Crying at random bits of world news, songs, parts of shows/movies. I'm a mess, emotionally, which has definitely amplified the burn-out irritability. I'm at the end of my rope, my partner has seemingly ran out of patience with me and I don't know what to do. I really need some external perspectives and thoughtful advice.
I left for a 5 day work trip today and we argued in the car the whole way to the airport. Posting this in between connecting flights, so I may not respond for awhile.
I'm a dummy and know nothing about anything, but it sounds like for your partners sake, maybe you are working too much. I think your feelings are valid and are handling the situation really well, but I think his feelings about your work/life balance are valid too.
If you have the option, maybe hit the brakes on work a bit. If you can't, or would lose your job, I suppose it is what it is and you guys just need to tough it out for a while. I get a lot of people don't have the luxury to just stop working as much. The 5 day work trip after what sounds like a few months of relationship tension caused by overworking probably sting. I think I would feel hurt by that.
I also think your partner threating to leave you is a little alarming. It sounds like they need a temperature check on how they feel about the relationship outside of the work issue. It could just be heightened emotions, or there could be something else underlying. Better to talk it out than let it fester.
The above is just my thoughts. Again, I'm just a stranger on the internet without clear context and perspective. I suppose my advice is to reflect on if you need to work as much as you do. If so, maybe your partner need sto reflect on the circumstances in which you are forced to work 60 hour weeks.
It's a tough spot to be in. Maybe you guys can set a soft target of when to expect a return to normalcy, whatever that may mean for you both.
Best of luck and sorry about your doggy. I hope things work out.