WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Confirming the suspicions of many in the international community, on Monday Donald J. Trump revealed that intelligence played “no role” in his decision to go to war with Iran.

“People keep asking me about intelligence,” he told reporters on Air Force One. “I made this call with no intelligence whatsoever.”

“Quite frankly, every decision I’ve ever made in my life I’ve made without intelligence,” he boasted. “Intelligence is for losers.”

Trump added that “I don’t trust people who have intelligence, which is why I love Pete.”