(Milan, Italy) On the heels of the disqualification of Ukrainian athlete Vladyslav Heraskevych for wearing a helmet considered political speech, the International Olympic Committee has released a follow up ruling, saying that Palestinian athletes should also moderate their behavior or face disqualification. On Thusday, Afraa Mohammad, a Palestinian refugee and Olympian, was overheard saying, “I missed lunch for training, I’m starving… I would kill to have anything to eat right now.”

The IOC declared the statement a political message, given the starvation and famine conditions imposed on Gaza by Israel. “Arabic athletes must refrain from hunger, starvation, avoidable illness, forced migration, or genocide,” the statement read, with the threat of possible expulsion as a consequence.

The Israeli delegation applauded the move. “We’ve been muzzled as well,” said Yael Arad, head of Israel’s Olympic Committee. “We asked for our delegation to separate any Palestinians access from food or water, and we were denied immediately. And don’t talk to me about not being able to shoot journalists covering their stories. This is like make-believe in here. They walk right in and then leave. It’s not normal.”

Representatives from the IOC say it’s important for countries to get along at the games. “The Olympics have a long and proud history throughout the years,” said one spokesperson from the IOC. “We remain proud to take massive gifts to select a host country, insist they spend billions in infrastructure, and leave them with huge debts while it all slowly crumbles. Also games and medals.”

Some athletes are against the recent political rulings. Leo Sturbgetter, of the US Livestock Detangling Team, said, “that helmet was pretty cool, they should let all of us put names and faces on our gear. Like my great-uncle Bud Light. Wink.”

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(Knoxville, KY) As viewership numbers come in for the alternative, Turning Point-sponsored halftime show for Superbowl LX, Kid Rock has doubled down on his commitment to combat “woke culture.” The performer announced Tuesday he will be performing the same Olympic events as known LGBTQ American athletes, and against athletes who speak out against violent ICE raids and the murder of Americans. The simultaneous broadcasts will be shown live online.

“I’m a cowboy, and their bull’s gonna get the horns,” he said in a press conference for his first event, a figure skating performance counter to American athlete Amber Glenn. The performer says he will make figure skating look easy.

The response from the public is mixed, with some republicans praising the move, while others complain the singer will die. A growing movement online is calling for members of the US Luge Team - one of the more deadly races historically - to challenge Kid Rock, and excitement is building for his race to ski counter to US Alpine Downhill skier Breezy Johnson.

Some say this discord is worth the distraction. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in western Idaho, said: “there’s a guy who’s live streaming the setup for Kid Rock’s downhill ski run, and he’s placing body bags every 50 feet. Turns out every body part needs a separate bag. No matter what happens, I’m gonna watch.”

The International Olympic Committee states they have no opinion on the matter, as no one has yet offered to bribe them.

As Israeli President Isaac Herzog visits Sydney, the NSW police has decided to make him feel at home by being as violent as possible to anyone with a Palestinian flag.

This comes as footage shows NSW police punching, pushing and grappling protesters, including some who were just praying.

“We would hate for him to feel uncomfortable,” said Chris Minns, “and nothing makes him more uncomfortable than people bringing up the UN directly linking him to genocide or even just the sight of people who believe Palestinians deserve to live.”

Meanwhile Herzog has offered to sign the cops’ pepper spray.

From 2017 but relevant today with bitcoin drop.

The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife of over a decade had been born in Guatemala and crossed the border with her parents as a 3-year-old child, he could just wake up, meet his arrest quota first thing in the morning, and then have the remainder of the day to slack off.