(Washington DC) As Trump makes comments of “armadas sailing beautifully” while threatening Iran, White House watchers are noting a different trend in his speeches, and suspect plagiarism.

On Tuesday, in a speech on banning gun laws, trump said, “I’m letting the days go by, I’m not letting the waters hold me back. We have countries dissolving… countries removing… there’s a country at the bottom of the ocean, Atlantis, I believe, and they have to carry the water on their heads, and it’s very heavy.”

“Well that’s clearly The Talking Heads,” said Ari Shapiro, from NPR in live commentary on the speech. “He’s even flailing around. This is clearly intended to distract from the dire message banning gun laws.”

Not so, said Karoline Leavitt at a press conference later Tuesday evening. “The president is as healthy and clear minded as he has been for years, and will always be the same as he ever was. He is free as a bird now, to lead the American people to victory.” White House Advisor Steven Miller attempted to then quote Jay-Z, but was stopped by every white person present.

Experts are unsure if the erratic behavior is trump being trump, or if this is an intentional distraction by the White House, as more Epstein files are being released. “I mean, 1,000 monkeys with typewriters, right?” said one expert who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “How similar the mind of this president is to a 3-day song writing binge on LSD is something I’m sure future generations will study.”

Not all are worried about the president’s lyric speech. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Alabama, said, “wow, I never thought about how people in Atlantis have all that water over them. That’s deep. That’s… deep. I need to think about this, I’m having a moment.”

David Bryne could not be reached for comment.

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans respond to the state-sanctioned murder of Alex Pretti, DHS now claims that the department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement had authority to have multiple agents tackle, hold down, and shoot an American citizen on belief he owed $4.72 cents in customs for an overseas package. “While Alex Pretti was clearly an American citizen and an ICU nurse for the Veterans Administration, the Federal Government reserves the right to allow armed groups of men in body armor to attack any American they believe owes us money for customs,” the statement read.

“As we cannot find record of the package, ICE apologizes for the error,” the statement ended.

satire

(Minneapolis, MN) As yet another shooting occurs are federal agents attack Americans for protesting, local police are trying to instill calm - while doing nothing about the actions of out-of-state ICE agents attacking their neighbors. One officer, who asked not to be named for supporting government terror policies, says this is just quid pro quo, and police in the US follow the same honor system everywhere. He says in any state, cops will always choose other cops over their neighbors.

“There’s cops… then everyone else,” he said. “Your family is completely exempt, of course. Maybe your favorite sports stars. They teach you that day one. We all have to band together to hold down the little people, or the thin blue line means nothing.”

ICE killings are now the leading cause of homicides in Minneapolis this year. The officer says if the roles were reversed, we’d understand. “If you were a cop, you’d understand you’re special. I have over 9 weeks of specialized training in law enforcement. People buy stickers for their cars to try to keep us from giving tickets. Know that if this were in Texas, cops there would be standing around as well while ICE guys smashed a baton over an old lady’s head. They even wear brown shirts down there… isn’t that great?”

He says unity is what allows this to happen. “It’s comforting this is America… in some countries, they’d be dragging me and my family from our homes for this. But not here. God bless us.”

Not all Americans agree with this view. Leo Stubgetter, a cow detangler in rural Minnesota, said “what’s that guy’s home address, I got some questions.”

Archive link: https://archive.ph/PfNnZ

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans continue to resist oppression from the federal government and troops are being deployed to further undermine basic rights, a surprising number of Canadians are being found among the protesters. Wearing sun hats and carrying towels, these foreigners are standing in the front lines, apparently asking to be arrested.

“Oh we’re here for you guys,” said Mark Shants, a 34 year old Toronto native with his wife. “We drove across yesterday, told them we’d be here one day. Oopsie. Hope we don’t get send to Central America.”

Shants is one of many Canadians who are following a viral video by Canadians who were send to El Salvador, and released immediately after intervention by the Canadian embassy. Their posts from the warm beaches, combined with high air fare due to American invasions and threats to oil-rich countries, have encouraged hundreds of Canadians to cross the boarder with hopes to escape the sub-zero cold.

The US is not amused. On Friday the president said “these Canadian infiltrators will be sent to the most tropical places where nobody understands English.. nobody, they spit if they hear it… and they will be skinned alive by the trend of the agua gang dealers.” Trump spoke while taking a brief hiatus from golfing to do work running the country.

But Shants and others seem willing to brave the president’s wrath if it involves free travel. “Oh, here come the ICE guys, it’s a pleasure meeting you,” said Shants. “I better go turn myself in before they start shooting tear gas, they do that if you’re American.”

Archive link: https://archive.ph/RtThd

(Waxahatchee, TX) A small court ruling is causing big waves in Republican circles, as drones used as weapons are now considered “arms” a citizen may use for protection. The ruling involved the use of quadcopter drones, similar to those seen in Ukraine, to individually kill several legal deer on a small ranch in Texas. Video of the explosions - and shower of deer parts - caused outrage among gun advocates who claim their guns don’t feel as powerful any more.

“Look right here,” said Christian Stropp of Waxahatchee, bringing up the video. “Here, let me slow it down. Okay… wow. Now let’s watch it again. Wow. Okay with a filter and let me add the music… the point is I can’t do anything nearly that cool with a gun. This rifle I have is the same make and model what killed Charlie Kirk [of Turning Point USA]. It used to be really cool. But that drone stuff just makes it look like a BB gun.”

The hunters, who asked their names to be withheld as they are Democrats living in Texas, said they are just keeping up with the times. “My dad used to take me to the gun range as a kid, now I take my son to the drone range. You should see how happy he gets when he drops a pound of flour directly on a MAGA hat. That was his first buck on the day involving the trial.”

Advocates for drone hunting note that they are more similar to a single shot weapon than an assault rifle. Also they note that even those who have poor mobility can use them. “Once you learn the controls, there’s very little you can do to stop them,” said one. “A lot of militia guys get together and act tough and talk about how they can outrun you. Good luck.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbott says he is torn on the issue, in part due to large commercial interest from China to build drone weaponry in the state. He says he stands (metaphorically) with both sides.

Some hunters are also torn on the issue. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Cut and Shoot, Texas, said “I don’t like change, but that deer blowing up is my new phone wallpaper. I just wish a gun could do that.”

Archive link: https://archive.ph/OjxbV