(Knoxville, KY) As viewership numbers come in for the alternative, Turning Point-sponsored halftime show for Superbowl LX, Kid Rock has doubled down on his commitment to combat “woke culture.” The performer announced Tuesday he will be performing the same Olympic events as known LGTB American athletes, and against athletes who speak out against violent ICE raids and the murder of Americans. The simultaneous broadcasts will be shown live online.

“I’m a cowboy, and their bull’s gonna get the horns,” he said in a press conference for his first event, a figure skating performance counter to American athlete Amber Glenn. The performer says he will make figure skating look easy.

The response from the public is mixed, with some republicans praising the move, while others complain the singer will die. A growing movement online is calling for members of the US Luge Team - one of the more deadly races historically - to challenge Kid Rock, and excitement is building for his race to ski counter to US Alpine Downhill skier Breezy Johnson.

Some say this discord is worth the distraction. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in western Idaho, said: “there’s a guy who’s live streaming the setup for Kid Rock’s downhill ski run, and he’s placing body bags every 50 feet. Turns out every body part needs a separate bag. No matter what happens, I’m gonna watch.”

The International Olympic Committee states they have no opinion on the matter, as no one has yet offered to bribe them.

As Israeli President Isaac Herzog visits Sydney, the NSW police has decided to make him feel at home by being as violent as possible to anyone with a Palestinian flag.

This comes as footage shows NSW police punching, pushing and grappling protesters, including some who were just praying.

“We would hate for him to feel uncomfortable,” said Chris Minns, “and nothing makes him more uncomfortable than people bringing up the UN directly linking him to genocide or even just the sight of people who believe Palestinians deserve to live.”

Meanwhile Herzog has offered to sign the cops’ pepper spray.

From 2017 but relevant today with bitcoin drop.

The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife of over a decade had been born in Guatemala and crossed the border with her parents as a 3-year-old child, he could just wake up, meet his arrest quota first thing in the morning, and then have the remainder of the day to slack off.

(Washington DC) As Trump makes comments of “armadas sailing beautifully” while threatening Iran, White House watchers are noting a different trend in his speeches, and suspect plagiarism.

On Tuesday, in a speech on banning gun laws, trump said, “I’m letting the days go by, I’m not letting the waters hold me back. We have countries dissolving… countries removing… there’s a country at the bottom of the ocean, Atlantis, I believe, and they have to carry the water on their heads, and it’s very heavy.”

“Well that’s clearly The Talking Heads,” said Ari Shapiro, from NPR in live commentary on the speech. “He’s even flailing around. This is clearly intended to distract from the dire message banning gun laws.”

Not so, said Karoline Leavitt at a press conference later Tuesday evening. “The president is as healthy and clear minded as he has been for years, and will always be the same as he ever was. He is free as a bird now, to lead the American people to victory.” White House Advisor Steven Miller attempted to then quote Jay-Z, but was stopped by every white person present.

Experts are unsure if the erratic behavior is trump being trump, or if this is an intentional distraction by the White House, as more Epstein files are being released. “I mean, 1,000 monkeys with typewriters, right?” said one expert who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “How similar the mind of this president is to a 3-day song writing binge on LSD is something I’m sure future generations will study.”

Not all are worried about the president’s lyric speech. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Alabama, said, “wow, I never thought about how people in Atlantis have all that water over them. That’s deep. That’s… deep. I need to think about this, I’m having a moment.”

David Bryne could not be reached for comment.