(Washington DC) As ICE raids around the country terrorize citizens and non-citizens alike, House republicans have made a proposal for legislation which would make citizenship in the US a yearly subscription fee. President trump says he will sign the measure once passed.

“We already do it for gym memberships and our golf clubs, and people apparently rent houses… why shouldn’t we also pay yearly for rights like voting, and the greatest passport in the world,” said one republican who asked not to be identified for fear of a primary. Many republicans seem open to the idea, citing how little in taxes poor Americans pay each year. “We pay some of them money in entitlements, and yet they feel they have a right to decide if we’re elected. A yearly fee would help make sure that only the best Americans were voting.”

Democrats decry the measure. They cite birthright citizenship as the anchor issue of 2026, and vow that, once they lose the fight on this issue, subscription citizenship will be the next platform they work against.

Americans are mixed on the measure. While wealthier Americans quietly support the issue, those less fortunate worry how this will change the political landscape. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and recently pardoned felon, said, “I just got back from the Middle East, and over there you definitely want to be one of the ones that can vote. I want to hear how much this yearly fee is, before I make my mind up about it.”

(Washington DC) In a move that would have caused outrage only a year ago, donald trump’s recently merged social media platform Truth Social, and combine nuclear fusion company TAE Technologies, has been awarded a contract to develop “clean social energy” for the United States. The award was granted hours after the merger was announced.

The White House says the grant will provide “a breath of fresh air for people sucking up the coal of twitter,” according to press secretary Karoline Leavitt. White House officials say the project had been proposed years ago, under the first trump administration, but no company “so forward-looking, or so awesome” had yet emerged to claim it. This contradicts Democratic claims that the grant was made up earlier today.

The award will include large bonuses to any shareholders that are leaders of nations, pleasing both trump and several middle east sovereigns. “What a lovely surprise,” trump said in remarks.

The newly merged social platform and fusion research firm says they plan to bring the best of both worlds to the company, and say they are only five years away from both fusion, and telling the truth.

(Washington DC) As the media speculates about tonight’s presidential address, the White House press office flatly denied rumors the announcement will be a sales pitch for Saudi Arabia’s massive housing project in the desert, known as “The Line.” The project, which some call “a folly of man’s hubris,” is a 170 km long city being built in the Saudi desert.

“The president does not need to sell anything,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “The president is a man who creates opportunities for the people of the United States. While I’m not going to comment on the speech, if the president presented a presentation highlighting the wonders of a project like The Line, I know I and my husband would invest quickly before the opportunity vanished.”

Those close to the White House say comments like this only strengthen beliefs the speech will start out sounding official, but devolve into a sales pitch. “He can’t help himself,” said one insider who asked not to be identified due to fear of reprisal. “If they offered him 5% commission, he’d put a model home in place of the East Wing of the White House… wait a minute.”

The Saudi Embassy says any endorsement of their project by trump is encouraged: “he is one of our best presidents, very responsive to the needs of the people he serves. A man like that can always go far in our organization.”

Some say a sales promotion would be welcome, however. Leo Sturbgetter, an American cow detangler - living as a goat-organizer in exile in Riyadh - says, “I mean, would we rather go to war?”

In a few minutes, America will find out.

(Quantico, VA) As the FBI promises every man is on the case and an up to $50,000 reward is offered for the Brown University shooter, Agents are confessing they’re not sure which shooter case is theirs at this point.

“Look, first of all, this is America,” said one Agent who asked to be called Rex to avoid reprisals. “We have mass shootings every week. And every week [Director] Patel says every man is on that new case. And somehow, we all get assigned the case. It’s nuts.”

Patel was selected as FBI Director at the start of trump’s term, and was disparaged for having no law enforcement experience. Now-silent trump supporters touted the choice for his promise to release the Epstein files immediately. This promise is still to be met.

But Patel has zealously parroted the president’s orders, and trump is quick to call for full justice when mass shootings make the media. “We have every man on this case, I saw to it personally,” he said in remarks Tuesday. Rex says he has four other mass shooting he is investigating as well, and there is mass confusion in field offices. “One gun from a mass shooting got mailed to six offices looking for who requested fingerprints. At this point, the shooter would have to be standing in an intersection screaming ‘I did it!’ to be arrested if they’re not the new big case.”

But things might be worse than Rex suspects. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and mass shooter in Wichita, Kansas says he has been in the intersection for four hours now confessing. “I shot 13 people at the Fairfield Inn yesterday! I want to confess! Birds aren’t real, they’re from the moon,” he yelled as he tried to flag down officers. Sturbgetter says he feels for Rex and the other agents, as he wants a shootout more than they do. “It used to be a man could do something bad and go out in a blaze of glory. I’m trying to confess and I’m getting emails asking if I thought about Congress. That’s bad, man.”

As of press time, neither Sturbgetter or the Brown shooter had been arrested.

Emphasizing her ability to meet the film industry’s evolving needs, actress Gal Gadot reportedly assured a casting agent Monday that she was more than capable of playing AI roles.

“I’ve been told for years I bring a certain lifelessness to my characters,” said Gadot, who emphasized that she had been honing her ability to deliver an uncanny performance complete with stilted speech, unnatural arm movements, and a total lack of chemistry with other co-stars for her entire career.

“Honestly, when I heard that studios were starting to cast AI actors, I immediately thought, ‘Gal, it’s your time to shine.’ I genuinely believe no one in this town is better equipped to play a role designed for a non-sentient digital entity than I am, and if you want proof, check out Death On The Nile, Snow White, or Wonder Woman 1984.

I was awful in not just one, but all of those movies.” Gadot added that she was also open to AI voice work, noting that her natural cadence already resembled that of text-to-speech software.

Published: December 12, 2009

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object inhabitting Brian Jensen’s dream Friday night was suddenly struck by the unusually strong smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Jensen, a 32-year-old cable installation technician who had fallen asleep several hours earlier, was reportedly in the middle of a conversation with his former high school biology teacher, Mr. Campbell, at the time of the unexpected disturbance.

“Now Brian, I would love nothing more than to help you mend your relationship with your mother, but I’m afraid…wait, is that smoke?” said the dream version of Campbell, who then he set down his briefcase, took an eggplant out of his jacket pocket, and sniffed at the air suspiciously. “Something’s definitely burning around here.”

Over the next several minutes, Jensen reportedly wandered through the shifting dreamscape, meeting distant cousins, beloved family pets, and automotive pioneer Henry Ford, all of whom appeared visibly concerned with the increasing heat and acridity.

According to dreams sources, the sleeping 32-year-old soon found himself aboard an empty passenger train, where a coughing and gasping German customs officer asked him for his travel documents.

Several times, the man wondered aloud in his thick accent “where all this smoke was coming from,” and while stamping Jensen’s passport, he twice stopped to rub his stinging red eyes.

“Not since the war have I seen smoke like this,” said the German, who sources claimed then slowly melted away to reveal Jensen’s former Pizza Hut coworker Craig Weiss. “Dude, it’s so fucking hot in here. I’m sweating my balls off.”

“Jesus Christ, Brian,” the fast-food employee continued. “Did you let another pizza burn or something?”

This incident aboard the train was followed by a succession of other puzzling events, including the sudden appearance of a dozen exploding thermometers, the arrival of a cigarette-smoking bedside lamp, and what sounded like the muffled echoes of banging and screaming coming from behind a small wooden door.

It was also at this point that a frantic gas stove, running around in circles and crying desperately for someone to put it out, was first seen.

“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe,” shouted folk hero Davy Crockett. “We need to get rid of some of this smoke.”

A motion to immediately open a window to let in some fresh air was approved by a majority of those voting in the dream, among them a group of injured boy scouts, sports commentator Marv Albert, Smokey the Bear, and a locked bedroom window. A doctor who had taken Jensen’s tonsils out when he was 12 opposed the decision, however, calling instead for immediate evacuation.

Although it’s not clear how Jensen wound up in the kitchen of his late uncle Gary’s home, dream sources revealed that a cheerleader from Jensen’s middle school approached him at that time. Dressed in a short pleated skirt, the cheerleader reportedly leaned in close, parted her perfect red lips, and then blasted the 32-year-old in the face with a blaring fire-truck siren.

“Brian, you’re burning up,” the slender, giggling teenage girl said. “You’re burning up!”

Jensen’s romantic efforts were further interrupted when an old woman carrying a tray of candles entered the kitchen and urged him to “please wake up” so he wouldn’t be late for work. Moments later, a flaming roof beam screamed at Jensen to get out of its way as it fell and crashed to the ground.

“What are you still doing here—-they’re all looking for you,” shouted the roof beam, flanked by several other beams all tumbling to the floor. “Nobody can find you!”

At press time, there was an intense smell of rising smoke and slow-roasting pork.

(Sussex) on Monday, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, former Prince and Duke of York, caused mild outcry in a speech to private individuals during a speaking tour. “I’m reminded of a certain poem,” he began his closing remarks, “and I’m paraphrasing of course - but first they came for the pedophiles, and I’m sure we know how that turned out.” A storm of social media followed, and despite claims the statement is being taken out of context, an apology was made, and the tour has been suspended.

While that would typically close the argument, the former prince has found an ally in the White House, with the US president reviving the topic and declaring Mountbatten-Windsor “the best prince that ever lived, even better than Prince at certain things,” which strained already tense relations with the UK. Trump continued, “the US was extremely young when they were with England, and that worked out okay… I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

“The president is only expressing admiration for a dear friend and foreign leader,” said Karoline Leavitt, the US Press Secretary whose husband was 32 when she was born. “The president knows the only real predator in the room is the mainstream media and its underage lies.”

But even republican politicians express alarm at the new comments. One republican congressman, who asked he not be identified as we were within 1,000 feet of a middle school, said “there are some third rail topics you never admit to touching, and underage girls is one of them. We’ve all been to Epstein’s Island… metaphorically. I’m saying metaphorically we’ve all been there. But you can’t say it and be elected.”

The King has not issued a formal response, but those inside British intelligence circles say that several SAS operatives have been withdrawn from training in Bryan, Texas for training near Sussex.

(Washington DC) Friday the trump administration announced that vacancies created Wednesday on the White House Ethics Board would be filled by donors who support the effort to build new East Wing Ballroom. The first 3 people to pledge ten million dollars each will receive the positions. Gift donations are allowed.

The vacancies were opened after trump fired three board members earlier this week, citing disapproval of some of their findings regarding members of his administration. The ousted members are appealing the decision in court.

Members of Washington’s elite say the price of the seats is very reasonable, given the board’s responsibility to review questionable actions of the administration. One republican congressman noted that some bidders may look to re-sell the ethics seat to colleagues currently being reviewed by the board.

The first seat has already been assigned; Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud made the donation in the name of his grandchildren, saying he would allow them to rotate the position every six months. Trump congratulated the new appointees by phone.

Americans are disappointed the seats are being sold to foreign leaders. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Richmond, Virginia, said: “I just wish maybe it could have been a lottery, so I’d have a shot at it. I really like ethics foods, and this would have been a great chance to try some.”

RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock band GWAR, confirmed absolutely horrified sources.

“The band was in the middle of our weekly cocaine-orgy/seafood boil when these ICE chodes stormed the Slave Pit claiming we were illegal aliens and threatening to deport us back to our home planet of Scumdoggia,” said GWAR vocalist Blothar the Berserker. “Obviously, these jerkoffs had no idea who they were messing with. I grabbed one of these ICE guys and ripped his spleen out through his dick while the rest of the band went to work on the other ‘agents.’ Then we used their hollowed-out skulls as toilets because anyone stupid enough to fuck with GWAR has to have shit for brains.”

(St. Kits, Virgin Islands) As questions about war crimes circle Washington, Vice President JD Vance gave follow up remarks regarding his involvement in a September 2 extrajudicial air strike on a suspected drug boat. The Vice President had remarked a top Admiral ordered the strike, and he was not involved.

“I just want to clarify that, while I didn’t order that second strike everyone is talking about, which clears me of any war crimes in the Hague… I totally could have, because I was in charge of that operation.”

“If any of those drug-terrorists threatened me, or my wife, I would second strike them so hard, they wouldn’t know what hit them.”

Controversy has surrounded the strike, which would be a violation of the Geneva Convention, assuming the US had declared war, which it has not. Vance appeared to shift blame at the staff meeting with the president, having earlier said he ordered the strike.

Vance went on to clarify that, had the drug-terrorists personally threatened him, he “would be required to nunchucku them to death,” as he is a hillbilly grand master in the weapon. At that point, he explained, a girl he rescued that looks a lot like Princess Leia would ask him to marry her, which he would decline, due to honor.

The Air Force was not able to verify the nunchuku skills of the Vice President, or explain how the scenario might occur. An Air Force General who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, said “the White House has independent sources of information outside the military, so we can’t speak to this statement.”

(Lynchburg, TN) As sales slump in Canada and abroad following reciprocal tariffs, US alcohol manufacturers have turned to their home market, in a move some say is offensive and out-of-line. Billboards are going up around the country showing an outline of the president’s profile, and the words “He Has Three More Years” prominently displayed in large letters.

“Oh god. Three more years. That can’t be right,” said Allee Celles, a 28-year-old waitress in Delma Washington. “Hasn’t it been three years already? Oh god. I need a drink.” This response is what producers are counting on, as alcohol purchases show sharp increases in areas already sporting the campaign’s billboards.

Some republican lawmakers are calling the ads tasteless, but others are trying to spin this campaign as a positive. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is reported to have said he’ll drink to trump every time he sees the billboards, and Americans should celebrate the administration. Campaign managers say that could be another way to view the message, but are pleased with the results either way, as sales are increased by 20% in some regions.

Another industry is piggy-backing on the message, as therapists and psychologists also see a chance to cash in. One therapist, who requested anonymity for fear of reprisals from Betterhelp, said, “three more years is terrifying, and I’m signing the papers for a beach house based on those three years. Yes, a lot of bad things are happening, but talking through your concerns at $100 per hour can help make things better.”

Regardless of their means of coping, the campaign is helping Americans realize the last ten years of insanity have occurred over ten months, and there are three exciting years remaining.

(Washington DC) Citing presidential privilege, the White House issued a retraction to the pardon of Hunter Biden on Thursday. “We were supposed to pardon a turkey, can you believe that,” said trump in remarks at dinner. “I said I don’t pardon that turkey, we eat it. I rescind the pardon. And I thought, that’s a great idea, so I started rescinding other pardons, too.”

Government scholars note that this is not how presidential privilege works, and that a former president’s pardon cannot be rescinded. Despite that, the Justice Department is ordering Hunter Biden to prison, while lawyers make demands to the Supreme Court to correct the matter. Like most matters with trump’s inappropriate use of power, the lack of precedent is causing confusion.

Surprisingly, a great deal of pushback is coming from inside the trump administration itself, as many are concerned about the value of a pardon they may receive with a change of leadership. But trump dismisses the concerns. “They’re worried another president will cancel their pardons, but it will never happen.” The president declined to clarify what would never happen.

Ordinary Americans are unsure how to handle the announcement. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hope, Arkansas, said, “I just don’t know what to make of this. The president has insulted our allies, wrecked international trade, hurt US business, and castrated the free press. But this might mean I have to see Hunter Biden’s butt again, and I don’t like that.”

Hunter Biden could not be reached for comment, and is presumed to have left to a first world country while the matter is decided.

(Camp Pendleton, CA) As war tensions mount, disturbing pictures have been released of US Marines, sitting around tables and coloring in a map of South America. Pencils on the desks suggest the soldiers may be writing in the names of the countries, as well.

“This is very alarming,” said a Venezuelan diplomat who asked not to be named due to fear of reprisals. “This type of training goes far beyond the US preparations for the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. This suggests a long term plan for occupation, possibly for decades.”

A spokesman for the Marines said it is normal training to teach soldiers about areas in the US sphere of influence, and noted that the soldiers love the crayons. The White House also deflected the issue of the training, saying in a press release on the subject, “you’re just mad your mom never bought you crayons.”

War scholars agree this is not typical Marine doctrine, and feel Venezuela should be worried. Leo Sturbgetter, a double PhD scholar in Military Doctrine and Bovine Dispersion, said: “I would be very alarmed if I were in the leadership in Venezuela. Assuming these troops learn every country and capital in South America, they are less than 2 years from deploying to the region.”