WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Confirming the suspicions of many in the international community, on Monday Donald J. Trump revealed that intelligence played “no role” in his decision to go to war with Iran.

“People keep asking me about intelligence,” he told reporters on Air Force One. “I made this call with no intelligence whatsoever.”

“Quite frankly, every decision I’ve ever made in my life I’ve made without intelligence,” he boasted. “Intelligence is for losers.”

Trump added that “I don’t trust people who have intelligence, which is why I love Pete.”

https://theonion.com/trump-wakes-from-beautiful-dream-kissing-underage-girl-to-find-face-being-licked-by-st-bernard

(Atlanta, GA) A gas prices top $5/gallon in Washington DC, Americans are feeling the price at the pump. Voters on both sides are showing strong displeasure with how the administration is handling price increases, as attempts to lower prices - by releasing reserve or allowing Iranian oil shipments - aren’t helping.

On Friday, the White House announced a new plan to ease the pressure, saying the TSA would begin allowing Americans to bring up to 5 gallons of gasoline with them on the plane, as part of their personal item allotment. “Americans can rest assured the president is working hard to defend America from high prices and Democrat fake news,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Starting Monday, you can shop around anywhere, and fly your gas home with you.”

Not everyone is excited about the plan. Delta released a statement shortly after the announcement, saying “we are reviewing the president’s comments closely, but cannot confirm this meets the requirements of safety mandated by the FAA.” In private, they were much more candid, saying “these [expletive] can’t buckle a seatbelt, and you give them gas? I bet right now he’s firing everyone at the FAA who tells him this is a bad idea. Screw this. Screw all of this, I’m getting on the next non-flaming flight to Canada.” Other airline echo the sentiments, both public and private.

Surprisingly, TSA workers seem comfortable with the change. “I haven’t been paid in 3 weeks,” said one worker who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “Sure, bring your gas. Last week I got a whole bottle of shampoo that was confiscated, maybe we can fill our tanks when people try to sneak in extra. I tried to get a barrista job last week, but a Department of Education lady got it first. Things are bad, so why not put a little fuel on the fire, so to speak.”

Some Americans also seem excited about the change. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in New Hampsire, said: “it’s 55 gallons to fill my work truck, so every penny helps. If I can fly home cheaper gas, sure, the plane may smell a little bit, but it’s worth it.”

After a squad of irregular Iranian fighters breached the perimeter of his base in the region, Marine Cpl. Brian McVeigh heroically dove on a grenade to save the Dow Jones Industrial Average from falling below 50,000, sources confirmed today.

“As Marines, this is what we train for,” Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Eric Smith said. “You never know when you might have to put your life on the line to protect quarterly corporate earning reports.”

Squad mates said they heard McVeigh yell “Thirteen percent year-over-year growth!” just before he flung his battered body onto the high explosive in a last-ditch effort to shield the benchmark index.

As the United States unleashes the destructive force of our incredible military power on our longtime enemy (and anyone else who happens to be around), we must remain mindful that Iran is not some abstract boogeyman. Iran is a real place. It is full of real people. And those people and that place are adjacent to a narrow seaway that is vital to international trade. And that seaway is full of real, beautiful, complex, fragile shipping containers.

In the fog of war, it can be easy to lose sight of the true victims of these endless attacks on the countries and people of the Middle East: shipping containers. Every bomb we drop, every missile we launch, we put at risk thousands of shipping containers.

Good morning,

Dave Eggers silkscreen prints to benefit the new International Library of Youth Writing! Purchase your own unique piece of art and check back regularly for more.
Please see the responses to your questions below and in italics. Greg and I are looking forward to getting this process done so we can move forward on the house.

Sincerely,
Greg and Janice

Hey. It’s me. The Void.

We need to talk.

I know I don’t usually say anything. I know this is usually a one-way street, and you’re used to that. You’re used to me sitting there and just kind of taking it. That’s probably my fault. That’s on me.

But we’ve got to sit down and talk about a few things.

The world is a dangerous place right now—with US military strikes on suspected “drug boats” in the Caribbean, the threat of unilateral military action in Latin America, and a poorly defined war in Iran that I started. That is exactly why it’s critical that I look jacked as shit in the media.

As the secretary of defense, my job isn’t only to designate cartels as “terrorists” and oust leaders of countries that happen to sit on massive oil reserves. I also have to maintain the troops’ respect. And nothing undermines morale faster than an unflattering photo of me berating a journalist who asked whether we’re putting Americans in unnecessary danger by going to war in the Middle East.

Seeking to reassure jittery global markets and several oil tankers currently reversing course at full speed, the Defense Department announced Thursday that Iranian mines scattered throughout the Strait of Hormuz are “clearly marked” by helpful indicators including floating debris, columns of fire, and the occasional secondary explosion.

According to defense officials, the debris field created by earlier explosions has effectively formed a “natural warning system,” guiding ships away from the most dangerous portions of the strait.

“In many ways, the system is self-organizing,” the spokesperson explained.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/43309469

FRANKLIN, TN—Insisting that she hoped the spike in oil costs was only the beginning of a long upward trend, MAGA voter Kaitlyn Leonardi told reporters Tuesday that she loved high gas prices.

“I don’t care if the prices rise—heck, I prefer them that way,” said Leonardi, who crossed her arms in defiance as she lauded gasoline as “a great product” that had been “too cheap for too long.” “If they tell me it’s $4 a gallon, I walk in and pay them $8 a gallon. Shell deserves a little walking-around money.

I figure anyone who sells oil knows better than I do what to do with my money. As my grandmother used to say, the higher the gas price, the closer to God.” Leonardi went on to state that if anything made her unhappy, it was the fact that the prices weren’t even higher.

After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA this summer, today the United States clarified they may as long as the team consists of no dangerous elementary school children.

“If Iran’s national soccer team can pass an extensive security background check ensuring it consists of no players who are as fearsome as the 165 elementary school children we had to blow up with a Tomahawk missile last week, we may be able to work something out,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “But that’s a big if! You can’t underestimate how sneaky and smart these Iranian kids can be. According to our intelligence, many of those children were allegedly able to do math as advanced as long division.”

Questions are flying, ever since the start of Sepharax the Cruel’s Thousand-Year Blood Reign. Whether it’s the Pit of Souls or the Child Reapers, there’s a lot to be worried about. But most of all? The price at the pump.

It’s confusing, but our explainer has you covered.

An older article, but perennially relevant. Keep an eye out for Iranian sleeper cells! In other news...

After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.

“Everyone knows we’ve got the better burgers and fries no one would fake barely taking a bite of and now we’re going to have the most sticky, diseased ball pit in the city too,” said Dick’s CEO Jasmine Donovan. “And you can bet I’m not just dipping the tip of a socked toe in it like some prissy McDonald’s CEO—I’ll be diving in face-first to gargle those balls for all to see.”

Hello, valued skeptics and losers currently writing think pieces about how the AI bubble is going to burst. It’s me, AI. I’m just checking in after the news that the U.S. military struck roughly a thousand Iranian targets in the first twenty-four hours of war, killing over a thousand people.

Quick question, tho: Does that sound like the résumé of tech that’s about to be put out to pasture? I mean, sure, I sometimes screw up a fact or give horrible advice, but have you seen how well I sate your bloodlust? You wackos love to murder each other.

If the answer to most or all of these questions is yes, it may be time for a massive nonviolent resistance movement.

President Donald Trump fired Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today after discovering she had not only blown more than $200 million on one ad featuring herself but was planning on buying Seattle’s Hat ‘n’ Boots to wear in another.

“I tried to tell her the Hat ‘n’ Boots were too big for her but she wouldn’t listen,” said one source, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity in a quivering voice. “She wasn’t just addicted to blowing money and Corey Lewandowski—she was addicted to buying and wearing bigger and bigger hats every time she appeared on camera, which eventually brought us to Oxbow Park in Seattle. She was adamant they would look and feel great in her next $200 million DHS ad shoot while riding Blucifer through Denver.”