(Washington DC) As gas prices continue to increase and the EU announces they are running out of jet fuel, the White House - in apparent attempt to change the conversation from Iran - has begun peppering official statement with references to the Epstein Files. Jeffery Epstein was indicted for human trafficking and pedophilia on his Caribbean island, and was heavily linked with the president before his death.

In a press briefing Wednesday, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt repeatedly brought the topic up in questions. “Yes Stacy, the involvement from China would be concerning… almost as concerning as whether the president was involved in the disappearance of several underage girls. Several.” To another question (regarding troop movements), she answered “that’s an important question about the military rank and file, and speaking of files, we are going to see some pretty important releases from some files soon.”

Members of the press pool say the move is not unexpected. “When my dog vomits all over the rug, he’ll sometimes chew up a shoe and leave it somewhere obvious,” said one reporter who asked to remain anonymous. “This only means they believe they’ll lose less voters to stories about pedophilia versus high gas prices, which is a very American problem.”

Researchers at Stanford have created a new pedo-fuel index to help predict which the administration will push in the coming months. Current findings show republicans would prefer to hear about the president’s pedophilia until gas prices drop close to a dollar a gallon, at which point they prefer to hear about killing foreign citizens.

Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and research fellow at Stanford, says “bear in mind these results are only for republicans, as democrats drive much more fuel efficient vehicles.”

CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts.
TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.

To the unexpected delight of people across the Seattle area, Wednesday afternoon the most precious waterspout tornado adorably tried to scare them while they were in the middle of paying their hard-earned money to a fascist regime run by genocidal pedophiles.

“The Vatican is in desperate need of criminal justice reform. As of today, any criminal can walk into the Vatican, confess to any crime, immediately be forgi...

“These congressmen worked hard to get to the top of a competitive field of notably rape-y politicians. Voters have made their voices heard by choosing the ve...

Before Rory McIlroy could even enjoy his historic Masters championship win for 24 hours, today President Donald Trump upstaged the golf tournament winner’s victory lap with what people are saying is the most perfect golf stroke in history.

“While H&R Block does not endorse the activities of the Great War Pig, we must feed Him.”

“Experts Warn the Falling Birth Rate Could Have Serious Consequences for Men”

In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board.

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am setting aside my aspirations and sense of self-worth to apply for the Global Account Project Management Executive position at Capital Ventures. Despite my disdain for and ethical opposition to generative AI, I’ve asked ChatGPT to write this cover letter to fulfill the requirement outlined in your posting. Unfortunately, it spat out nonsense slop, which I have had to edit heavily. I understand this will be “read” by other AI and not evaluated by a human; accordingly, I am including as many buzzwords as possible so that this letter aligns with the company’s mission to expand global accounts, innovate, and drive stakeholder value.

Look, we all know it’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’re a month into a war that even the most die-hard MAGA loyalists didn’t want, and things have gotten so bad that it finally broke Tucker Carlson. He’s beginning to say things that almost sound sensible.

But just because we’re all a little scared and frustrated doesn’t mean it’s time to take drastic action. As members of Trump’s cabinet, we’re not about to invoke the Twenty-Fifth Amendment just because the president has repeatedly threatened to murder millions of people.

In a completely tragic accident, today a drone using AI to target and take down the nation’s greatest security threat has mistakenly blown up the White House.

“This is classic Negotiating 101 courtesy of the Faceless God himself. Sure, he may have kicked it up a notch from ‘sheer madness’ to ‘abject depravity,’ but...

“The suggestion that one has ‘sat on’ revelations of grave public importance until they could be accompanied by a handsome dust cover, embossed serif typogra...

FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup game if Nuclear war begins in Iran.

“Today’s Republicans don’t tell folksy, long-winded stories to make a wise point to their assembled Cabinet members. They give weird evasive answers to repor...

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/45199177

After getting stuck painfully throbbing up in the air for four straight hours today, the Seattle Department of Transportation admitted they had to call a doctor to get the bridge back down and working normally again.

Fife unveiled their brand-new tourism campaign today after a savvy young city official stumbled upon a revolutionary new slogan, Fife: Last Chance To Pee Before Tacoma Dome Traffic.

(Oslo) As the US continues to make aggressive military moves around the globe, the Nobel Committee - which denied Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize this year, despite his loud insistence he deserved it - has gone a step further in its disapproval of the US President. In a special proclamation Thursday, they announced a special Nobel Prize for Soccer, and awarded the prize to the former US President Barak Obama.

“We recognize the charismatic, black, talented, well-spoken, articulate, black, tall, thin, charming former President of the United States for his advancement of the game of football (soccer), in ways no other recent President could match, with this second Nobel Prize, which is also not a used prize acquired from someone else,” the announcement reads. The special award ceremony is scheduled for June.

While not mentioning the FIFA Peace Prize by name, the Nobel Committee clearly referenced the award, saying this medal would be “slightly bigger” than the award from FIFA to Trump in 2025, and that Pelé’s family would attend the ceremony. The White House had no comment on the award.

The Obama family released a statement saying “Michelle and I appreciate the recognition of our hard work for charities and civic action, and accept on behalf of soccer-loving youths throughout the world.”

Not all Americans feel honored by the award. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and right midfielder in West Texas, said “this is an outrage. Unless FIFA gives trump a FIFA Soccer Prize, this will not stand.”