“In the future, there is such a thing as money. But there’s no such thing as your money. All the money is our money.”

A flock of Canada geese looking to relax and picnic on a local park lawn today said they couldn’t believe how much crap humans left all over the grass.

“I’m reaching out because, well, I’ve got this shipment of 2.1 million barrels of crude oil, and I would LOVE it if I could just squeeze on by and pass throu...

(Washington DC) As gas prices continue to increase and the EU announces they are running out of jet fuel, the White House - in apparent attempt to change the conversation from Iran - has begun peppering official statement with references to the Epstein Files. Jeffery Epstein was indicted for human trafficking and pedophilia on his Caribbean island, and was heavily linked with the president before his death.

In a press briefing Wednesday, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt repeatedly brought the topic up in questions. “Yes Stacy, the involvement from China would be concerning… almost as concerning as whether the president was involved in the disappearance of several underage girls. Several.” To another question (regarding troop movements), she answered “that’s an important question about the military rank and file, and speaking of files, we are going to see some pretty important releases from some files soon.”

Members of the press pool say the move is not unexpected. “When my dog vomits all over the rug, he’ll sometimes chew up a shoe and leave it somewhere obvious,” said one reporter who asked to remain anonymous. “This only means they believe they’ll lose less voters to stories about pedophilia versus high gas prices, which is a very American problem.”

Researchers at Stanford have created a new pedo-fuel index to help predict which the administration will push in the coming months. Current findings show republicans would prefer to hear about the president’s pedophilia until gas prices drop close to a dollar a gallon, at which point they prefer to hear about killing foreign citizens.

Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and research fellow at Stanford, says “bear in mind these results are only for republicans, as democrats drive much more fuel efficient vehicles.”

CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts.
TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.

To the unexpected delight of people across the Seattle area, Wednesday afternoon the most precious waterspout tornado adorably tried to scare them while they were in the middle of paying their hard-earned money to a fascist regime run by genocidal pedophiles.

“The Vatican is in desperate need of criminal justice reform. As of today, any criminal can walk into the Vatican, confess to any crime, immediately be forgi...

“These congressmen worked hard to get to the top of a competitive field of notably rape-y politicians. Voters have made their voices heard by choosing the ve...

Before Rory McIlroy could even enjoy his historic Masters championship win for 24 hours, today President Donald Trump upstaged the golf tournament winner’s victory lap with what people are saying is the most perfect golf stroke in history.

“Experts Warn the Falling Birth Rate Could Have Serious Consequences for Men”

“While H&R Block does not endorse the activities of the Great War Pig, we must feed Him.”

Melania Trump Slams Baseless Reports Linking Her To Wrong Wealthy Pedophile

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-slams-baseless-reports-linking-her-to-wrong-wealthy-pedophile/

In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board.

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am setting aside my aspirations and sense of self-worth to apply for the Global Account Project Management Executive position at Capital Ventures. Despite my disdain for and ethical opposition to generative AI, I’ve asked ChatGPT to write this cover letter to fulfill the requirement outlined in your posting. Unfortunately, it spat out nonsense slop, which I have had to edit heavily. I understand this will be “read” by other AI and not evaluated by a human; accordingly, I am including as many buzzwords as possible so that this letter aligns with the company’s mission to expand global accounts, innovate, and drive stakeholder value.

Look, we all know it’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’re a month into a war that even the most die-hard MAGA loyalists didn’t want, and things have gotten so bad that it finally broke Tucker Carlson. He’s beginning to say things that almost sound sensible.

But just because we’re all a little scared and frustrated doesn’t mean it’s time to take drastic action. As members of Trump’s cabinet, we’re not about to invoke the Twenty-Fifth Amendment just because the president has repeatedly threatened to murder millions of people.

In a completely tragic accident, today a drone using AI to target and take down the nation’s greatest security threat has mistakenly blown up the White House.

“This is classic Negotiating 101 courtesy of the Faceless God himself. Sure, he may have kicked it up a notch from ‘sheer madness’ to ‘abject depravity,’ but...

“The suggestion that one has ‘sat on’ revelations of grave public importance until they could be accompanied by a handsome dust cover, embossed serif typogra...

FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup game if Nuclear war begins in Iran.