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this post was submitted on 13 Jun 2026
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Games
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I'm undercover in a Switch piracy-drug ring. I didn't realize how much danger I was in until I was too deep.
In order to gain their trust I had to speak their language (mostly denouncing post-truth YouTube FUD grifter-haters, some kind of rival gang of theirs it seems). I had to study their operation (buying empty game cases for $70-100? Must be for drug smuggling or money laundering). I had to do things no one should ever have to do (get all 900 korok seeds in both Zelda: BOTW and TOTK). I've gained their trust, at least on a superficial level, but I can't break into the upper-echelon of this empire of addiction. I keep asking them where they're getting the product and they keep stonewalling me with "Best Buy" "Wal-Mart" "Amazon" "Gamestop." I've been feeding this intel to HQ but nothing turns up.
I knew I'd have to take risks, but how will I return to my wife and kids a sick man with a broken dick? Justice never enters sleep mode.
Saw a gruff Wal-Mart worker out in the parking lot during a stakeout. I thought the scorching heat of the pavement was playing tricks on me. He was wearing a Waluigi hat. This must me a covert gang sign. Need to call in some backup to stakeout the cart return. Likely storing drugs and smuggled Switch cartridges inside the handles.
Fuck, I think my cover's blown. Suspect spotted me. "STATE TROOPA HAS LOST ITS SHELL. I REPEAT. STATE TROOPA HAS LOST ITS SHELL. MOVE INTO POSITION FOR OPERATION GROUND POUND."