I've been feeling like I fucking brainwashed my self and honest to god sometimes I feel like I'm just a red version of Nazi. Before you hit me I don't think we're as bad as Nazis but like.....I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we're wrong and we actually are just like jealous of the wealthy and the world is indeed a fair, equitable place where you can become prosperous if you work hard enough.
I think I struggle with these doubts a lot because I went from being sucked into the whole 4chan reactionary thing just from a "contact high" from when I still used that shitty website but it never felt right to me and when I read Estranged Labor I'm like "wait this dude spittin straight facts, more than (((da jooz))) nonsense" and pretty much instantly abandoned my old worldview and felt really lost until I discovered all these fucked up websites and well...now I got a bunch of communist songs in my likes. Sometimes I just feel like I went in the opposite direction, and have to wonder if it's even possible to arrive at an objective "truth" or model of the world, and if a lot of the reasons why Marxism seems intuitively correct to me are largely born out of my own particular experiences, which always feel to me like they can't be all that common. It all just seems so obvious now but I still think: "what if I'm we stretch the truth and make shit up in the same way reactionaries do?"
I don't know. I sometimes feel like I'm not right in the head when I think shit like "damn landlords should be thrown into a pit" or "billionaires aren't human" or "dead cops, dead cops, army of the rich, we'll piss on your grave, won't be your slave!" because of how extreme it is.
I mean I can't really function at work anymore, I just think all this shit is absurd. It always feels like, "are people just dumb or blind? Do they not get it? I got it even before I read theory!" and then I just feel like I'm off in my own unreality where billionaire pedophiles blast off into space during a pandemic and everything really sucks.
I think I'm just going to pick up reefer.
If you picked up communism for the same reason you picked up fascism, of course you just feel like red fash (Or whatever word you wanna use/identify with on the right-hand side). Ideology hopping is inherently reactionary, which is why we encourage people to read theory. Theory plants roots and can help you decide whether or not you actually believe this and why.
Ideology as an identity is just a form of liberalism anyway. It’s one that a bunch of us struggle with, but it’s liberalism nonetheless. Communism is not supposed to be a Good Belief worn like a sports jersey or a way for you to self-actualize. You can use a lot of theory similar to self-help, but it’s certainly not intended for that use.
I’ll say if you’re lacking community, organizing can be a valid and healthy way to gain that, but the point is and will always be to make people’s lives better.
Edit:
You can do both, btw. Taking breaks from politics is fine and having hobbies is fine. Treating politics as a hobby isn’t very productive either. And I say that as someone who loves to sit around and talk politics with people
Edit 2: Just saw at the end that you said you’ve already a bit of theory. Definitely sounds like you need a break from the doomscroll. A lot of that shit is super dehumanizing and kinda promotes simple solutions to complicated conditions. Makes it that much harder thinking about climate change and/or packing infrastructure to organize. But we keep pushing forward to be a very small part of something very big.