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can anyone tell me wtf this is?
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Dude, what kind of beetles do you have around you‽ Where I live, I'm pretty confident there are no biting beetles - at least, none that can do any harm to humans.
You have way more beetles than you think you do, and far more beetles than you believe can bite. If you can find a spider, there are dozens of beetles that it's feeding on, in an over simplified way.
Oh, I know we have tons of beetles. They invade our house every fall. I've never encountered a biting one, though.