For the Dems:

-Biden (the current guy). His administration hasn’t seen any major changes other than the status quo of the decline of our living standards. Notably, there’s no policy page on his campaign site.

-Dean Philips (Suburban Minneapolis representative). Exact same policies as Biden. His whole gimmick is that he’s younger.

-Marianne Williamson (Self-help author). Only challenge from Biden’s left. Despite being the kind of person to say that the battle of Stalingrad was won through love, she’s somehow not the most woo-y candidate to run as a dem so far- we’ll get to the guy who fits that later.

For the GOP:

-Trump (The former guy). His whole campaign is themed around insisting that he was robbed of winning the last election by China/immigrants/Soros/whatever boogeyman a supporter of his has the most specific grudge against. Somehow not the most fascist of the candidates this time around. That would be…

-Ron DeSantis (Governor of Florida). Leads the kind of administration to give governmental protection to gay conversion efforts. Easily the candidate with the loosest mask of sanity, with a notably Batemanesque demeanor. Speaking of Patrick Bateman, the biggest campaign account for him made a video calling him a sigma male for being homophobic, and has retweeted a synthwave edit where his state guard marches in front of a Nazi sonnenrad. He also helped cover up torture at Guantanamo.

-Nikki Haley (Former South Carolina [My state] governor). My mildly abusive mom slept at her dorm when they were in college. Haley’s moderately pro-Trump, but is able to hold her tongue before being too praiseworthy of him. She might get the VP nomination.

-Vivek Ramaswamy (Medical grifting near-billionaire). Basically Trump’s surrogate for the debates, where Trump is blocked from due to not pledging to unconditionally support whatever nominee is chosen. Hammers hard about all the latest anti-woke buzzwords and the Second Cold War, and is possibly the biggest Christian theocrat of the lot, despite being Hindu.

-Chris Christie (Highly disgraced former governor of New Jersey). Last voice of the never-Trumpers. Was a popular moderate Republican straggler once, before he closed tolls on a bridge to an island town that voted against him and his approval in the state dropped to single digits. Spent two minutes explaining a joke where since Trump ducked the debates, he should be called Donald Duck.

-Tim Scott (South Carolina senator). The other biggest theocrat. Bragged about being a virgin into his thirties. Is the Black Friend of every other GOP senator.

-Doug Burgum (North Dakota governor). Bog-standard post-trump reactionary governor, but looks notably more dorky than the rest of the field.

-Asa Hutchinson (Former Arkansas governor). Bog-standard pre-trump reactionary governor. Potentially a former member of the Country Bear Jamboree.

For the independent candidates:

-Robert Kennedy Junior (Failnephew of the president who died under the most suspicious circumstances, and an antivax crank). Was running ahead of Williamson in the primary before running as an independent. Has no other policies than insisting that Wifi can kill people, but his last name alone has given him the support of 20% of voters.

-Cornel West (socdem/demsoc public speaker). Ram for a party only registered in Florida ram by a bunch of grifters, switched to the Green Party, and then ditched them and ran without a party. Somewhat tactless, has defended getting donations from a GOP megadonor trying to sabotage either Biden’s or his campaign. Also said in 2011 that he agreed with Reagan sending aid to “our Israeli Brothers and Sisters”. At least he looks and sounds the most badass out of the candidates.