I'll start!

It is year 1.4 on the asteroid and a copy of "The Individual in Question, Whose Inclinations and Affections Do Not Align with Your Expectations, Displays a Sufficient Lack of Interest Towards Your Personage, Consequently Resulting in the Verifiable Conclusion That They Are Not Enthusiastically Engaged in Establishing Any Form of Emotional or Romantic Connection with You." (Also titled, "He/She/They Are Just Not That Into You").